The X Factor: The first live final, liveblogged

Take one last look at Kandy Rain. The soggy sweeties were voted out after just one week. Photograph: Ken McKay/ITV

Preamble It's Saturday, it's prime time, and we're approaching the end of the year. Television-wise, there's only ONE place to be … and, for anyone who's NOT watching Strictly Come Dancing, there's The X Factor. And this is where the fun starts: this is where we start the live finals. Sorry, I feel like I'm doing it wrong, what I mean is…

Anna adopts big deep booming voice: Thousands auditioned … HUNDREDS sweated their way through boot camp … and now only TWELVE remain… and only ELEVEN of them are any good… and only ONE site will liveblog the living hell out of it all (actually, that's not true, lots will, but we'll be one of them).

And yes, it may not be a kindly old entertainer and a bunch of celebrities trying to quickstep their way around sensitive issues on the BBC – Carrie Dunn will be liveblogging that here. Right here, meanwhile, we'll be taking in the first thrilling live performances from the final 12 acts. And asking all the important questions, like who will shine under pressure? And who will crumble like month-old badger poop? And what, exactly, have four seasons of mentoring the groups category done to Louis's capacity for judgement?

So whether you're watching one and catching up with the other, or miss both because you're out, or just wanting to discuss The X Factor as it happens – this blog will be going live, Saturday night from 8pm, for all the thrills of the first live final.

8pm "With flash photography right from the start" (Crikey, could this get more exciting, Mr Continuity Man?) "It's your vote that counts... in the X Factor"

HURRAY!

Good evening, everyone. Lets have a look at the all-star makeovers:
Rikki Loney: still has a hat
Jamie: still has the hair
John and Edward: still eminently punchable.

Oh.

8.05pm: Dermot's overexcited, the judges are looking extra-ordinarily pleased with themselves, and the audience are so excited they just might wee.

There is the usual amount of tiresome banter between Dermot and the big four - or at least Simon, who is the only one that counts.

And without any more ado, Rachel Adedeji kicks off the whole thing - firstly with a cutaway telling how she really should be taking up her place at university but is here instead, then getting over-excited about Robbie Williams being this week's mentor.

And then she sings.
Oh. Hmm. The Rachel of the powerful voice and bubbling personality is swept away under a rug of 'Let Me Entertain You', which seems a weird choice for her, and she seemed nervous at opening the show...

But the judges liked it. A lot. Simon Cowell doesn't like her make up but did like the all-singing all-dancing performance, Louis, shouting to be heard over the crowd in full meltdown, also approved of it (which possibly should be a warning flag, I'm starting to believe).

And that was that. "Phew, eh" said Dermot, happy and excited to have got as far as the first break, man of low standards that he is.

8.14pm: You know what you could do during the breaks? You could go and check out Carrie's magnificent Strictly Come Dancing liveblog. Because we're THAT kind of awesome here on Guardian TV. We're primetime multitasking, which is like uptown ranking but with more typing. And less ranking.

Ooooh, we're back in the room already.
And who's next?

It's Kandy Rain. Or Kandi Raynn. Kandeeeee Rane.
Because if anything makes you current, it's not being able to spell.

8.19pm: Before they come out to sing, Kandeeeeee Rayne, are featured talking about how much they hate the fact everyone keeps talking about how they used to be strippers, and how they DID used to be strippers, but everyone should stop talking about it because they don't want to talk about it anymore. That they used to be strippers, they mean. Stop talking about it, they say.

Then they come out - looking like strippers - and sing Addicted to Love, which either had some really bizarre time changes in the middle or my internet connection needs kicking.

They're all in tune, and mainly in unison, but when it comes to the judging, the women go first, and both Dannii and Cheryl bring up that they used to be strippers. JEEEEEEEZ, judges, were you not listening to what the near-naked ex-strippers said about not wanting to be seen that way anymore?!

Simon then attacks Cheryl and Dannii, who were, after all, saying that this group had said they wanted to get away from a certain image, and then had been dressed up by SadoMasochism Barbie by their mentor. It's a fair point.

They also did some singing, but no one seems to want to talk about that anymore. It's all about the norks.

8.28pm: If a bunch of them are going to be singing Robbie Williams' songs, who's going to get Angel, I wonder?

It's not Olly, who sings that one about 'If there's somebody, turning me on, it's your mum' or something. And he handles it with more of a subtle, tuneful touch than I remember hearing in his auditions. There a couple more weird time-changes, and he even busts out a couple of dance moves, if you can call spinning on the spot and half a moonwalk dance moves.

All the judges say he's nice. "You've got humility, and you're nice, and everyone will like you, because you're the boy next door and just so lovely so everyone will like you and ote for you" they say. At home we nod, subserviently. Yes. We like Olly because he is nice. Yes. We will vote for the nice call centre man. Yes. Olly good. Judges right. Yes. *Nods* WAIT! I'm being brainwashed! And by Dannii Minogue, which is an irony if ever there was one.

Having said that, he does seem like a nice bloke.
He also did a bit of singing - but again, no one seems to care very much about that.

AD BREAK!

8.35pm: I'm starting to fear this whole 'Angel' poison chalice. Someone's got to get it. At first I worried about Tweedledum and Tweedledumber getting it, but no, I bet Simon will have bagsied it - and given it to Danyl, perhaps? I wonder how many extra notes he'll managed to put in it if so.

In the meantime, here's Rikki Loney, who's wearing his stupid hat, even onstage. What's wrong with him, is he going prematurely bald? Has he got a weird pointy head? If he takes it off do his brains fall out? What kind of present should you get a three-year-old? Sorry, that's nothing to do with the show, I just need to get a present for a three-year-old.

Anyway: Rikki. He does Back To Black, with approximately 30% of the written notes, 65% new ones and 5% wrong ones. It's very jazzy, Dannii likes it and Louis too, but Simon says he's wet and should go back to the clubs. He also says the hat is silly. Me and Simon, it's like we share a brain, it really is. If it could be the bit of brain with access to his bank account details, that would be super-good.

8.44pm: "I'm beginning to fall in love with Stacey and tonight the whole country are going to find out why" says Dannii, before introducing the lovely Stacey.

Oh Stacey, you ARE so lovely. We see her getting overexcited about meeting Robbie Williams, about singing on the X Factor, about having got this far, and about... well, practically everything else. And then she gets overexcited about singing Coldplay, which has to be a first.

She sings The Scientist - and apart from one really weird warbly bit in the middle, it is predictably well-measured and soulful, if somewhat detached from the conventional tune of the song.

The judges all love her - Cheryl would have liked to see her in a dress rather than the jeans and fugly Marilyn Monroe t-shirt, but that's quite literally the worst thing anyone has to say about her. Simon is, of course, measured in his praise: "The thing I LOVE about you" (wait for it, that wasn't the measured bit) "Is that you have no idea how great you could potentially be".

He didn't like it, then. Well sod him. She's here till the top five, at least.

8.55pm: Almost halfway through, and we haven't had a sniff of the Brothers Grim yet, which is annoying, because frankly, I've been building up a boiling pot of rage about John & Edward since they got through, and I need to tip it out all over this keyboard, I really do.

But no, first, it's a bit of Miss Frank. It is still Miss Frank, right? They've not had second thoughts and decided to spell that with a couple of random letters, just to prove their currentness and tip top marketability?

They sing ... um ... something. I Wonder Who's Loving You? Is that a song? Or just a bad reason for searching for your ex on Facebook?

It seems like a good song for them, balances out the solos and the blends their voices well - Cheryl didn't like the song choice, anyway. Simon did, though can't remember any of their names, which is just rude.

"I have no qualms about saying you are my favourite favourite group" says Cheryl, which isn't hard, seeing as they're up against Satan's Little Blond Semen Stains and a clutch of ex-strippers.

9.04pm: Believing The Afro to be a rocker, Simon has given him T Rex's Get It On, which might be a mistake, as it made his voice seem weaker than it should: where it has previously been concrete, this seemed a little more like toothpaste.

He's a good performer, and the audience go wild. Wilder. They were already quite wild.

Following it, however, the whole thing gets overshadowed by Simon and Louis having an argument about who knows the most about rock music. Which feels a little like the seven dwarves having an argument about how much dust there is on top of the wardrobe.

Never mind. The Afro did well, and it doesn't matter that we haven't much to say about him, he's going to be here for YONKS.

9.10pm: Meanwhile, in tangential news, the ad breaks are offering up a slew of unbelievable television possibilities, topped, as mentioned by Vicky Frost in the comments, by the glace cherry that is Joan Collins doing some kind of reality show where she takes the great unwashed British public and makes them glamorous. Anyone who believes this needs liveblogging (dear GOD yes) should petition the aforementioned Ms Frost for it. I believe I am free that day.

9.13pm: Lloyd! I keep forgetting Lloyd exists, which seems harsh, but kind of fair, as he's the kind of young, beautiful boy that comes foilwrapped and squeezed out of the package once a year for this show.

He's introduced to Robbie Williams, who tells him he was sixteen when he joined Take That. Lloyd nods, cluelessly. You know how old Lloyd was when Robbie left Take That? He was one.

Let's just let that sink in for a second. He. Was. One.

Whatever - he sings Justin Timberlake's Cry Me a River (released when Lloyd was nine, btw) and he's nervous and it's a little reedy at points, and he looks a little stiff up there with the dancers, the judges are all lovely to him.

He looks like a little pop star, they say. And he does. No big surprise there: but he's in for a while, I'm willing to bet. He could get up there and moo and he'd still be in the top five, probably.

9.22pm: Lucy, a daddy's girl from Wales (it's the Welsh segment) sings Footprints In The Sand, a song released by Leona Lewis and written (part-written) by Simon Cowell, please note. He says it's a fantastic song. No one picks him up on it.

She's one of the more controlled singers we've seen tonight, although she doesn't quite hit the notes at the end, but the rest of it was absolutely fine, say the judges. It was nice, it was fine, it was good, it was ok.

No one's getting blown away by anything, though, are they? Either on the panel, in the comments or here, in my chair. I'm not seeing anything that's really making people sit up and take notice, and that's surely where we should be at by now. It's the finals, for goodness sake. These are the cream of the crop. Well, the cream of the crop and John & Edward, anyway.

Maybe I'm being unfair - after all, the audience in the studio seem to be getting blown away by everything and everyone. But then I suspect that's because they're pumping caffienated crack through the air-conditioning.

9.31pm: RIGHT. Here we go.

The only act that I know of this year to have a facebook group dedicated to wanting to punch them in the face, it's John & Edward.

"We're not naive, we're not cocky, we're nice guys, why does no one like us?"

Oh lads, lads, for two people who aren't cocky, you sure do come off as quite cocky. You also come off as too young to deal with this, nowhere near as likable as Louis seems to think...

And, as demonstated when they come on stage, they can't even handle that Robbie Williams song about rocking some kind of DJ. The vocals are flaky, the dance moves annoying - and the rapping so risible that I almost drew blood from biting my knuckle so hard.

Judge comment of the night goes to Cheryl.
"I have the utmost admiration for you guys even getting up on this stage after all the stick you've been getting. Yes, you can't sing: FACT, but, you know, well done."

Louis, meanwhile, is still super-proud of his little Irish beauties, coming, as he does, from the all-about-marketing school of pop stardom. "A lot of artists in the charts can't sing!" he says, as if that's a thing we should all be completely happy about and even, apparently, aiming for. Idiot.

I don't blame those boys. I blame him. Someone punch Walsh in the knees for me, will you? My arms aren't long enough.

9.42pm: Another cookie-cut boyo in the shape of Little Joe McFlurry. He's smooth of face and white of tooth, and every note he sang was in tune, which is a novelty in this evening's entertainment.

Joe sings a Robbie Williams song - it's No Regrets, and Cheryl certainly doesn't seem to have any about putting him through. His voice is good, it can't be denied. It's a little too trained and polished for me, but you know what? I'm not going to be voting, so who cares what I think?

Nothing to say about him, much. And again, why hurry, we'll be spending each Saturday with him till practically Christmas, so there's plenty of time to find something annoying about him. And I will.

After the break, it's Danyl - oooh, Simon's putting a lot of faith in him if he's lputting him in the plum pre-vote spot. And no one's sung Angels yet. I'm beginning to get the feeling they might not. Wish Geesh & Armpit had been given Angels. Perhaps that would have helped remove it from the public affection.

9.51pm: And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going?!?!

THIS is what Simon has Danyl closing the first show with? What a weird choice.

The judges make a big deal of the choice, banging on about it being a girls song, a woman's song, how can he be expected to sing it, etc etc. But come on, it's not as if the lyrics run "Look at me, I've got a vagina, I like shopping and the colour pink and white wine spritzers" unless that's a verse I've not heard.

Never mind. Danyl gets up there, making the best of it, hitting the high notes, the low notes - basically just hitting all the notes and hitting them hard. He's got a ridiculously powerful voice, this chap. And also knows how to put emotion into it: something that a lot of the other acts simply can't do, they don't have that connection.

But the judges get mean: particularly Louis. Or at least that's what I guess, since that was the point my cat jumped on the laptop I'm watching this on and changed the channel. When I managed to get the show back, Danyl looked crushed, and Simon looked like he was about to lamp Louis, which frankly could end up pleasing the lot of us.

And with that, it's all over.
A recap of all the acts tonight, which reminds us of the highlights (the boys, mainly) and the lowlights (altogether now ... Joh... Oh, you know...) and the completely unmemorable (oh look! There's Lloyd. Oh, he was quite good now I see it again), and a list of numbers, and we're done.

10.03pm: Oh. Checking the comment box it seems I missed the main talking point of the evening. Damn you, kitty cat.

Dannii outed Danyl live on television? Said something poisonous and uncharitable? Louis called him unlikable? Louis? The man with very little wiggle room on that particular subject right now? Oh dear me no. Tut tut, all.

And in protest to that, I'm out of here. Also because it has finished.
But I'll be back tomorrow night - not in full liveblog stylee, just checking in and noting who's being sent home by the public (and how momentous Robbie Williams return to pop wasn't). See you then!

In the meantime - who was outstanding (apart from Danyl, who I will now be backing for the win?) of tonight's acts? Anyone at all? Who's going home tomorrow? And, most importantly, did Dannii have any right or reason to bring up Danyl's sexuality as part of her judges comments, regardless of whether he's out or not? Did it have any bearing on anything at all?

BACK TOMORROW: RIGHT HERE, FOR THE RESULTS
For tonight - thank you for your brilliance, all your comments and for reading, and good night

A VERY BELATED UPDATE

Gah! Apologies all round - due to some technical gremlins I cannot begin to comprehend, the entire results show section of this liveblog went walkabout without my knowledge. So, many apologies.

I'm sure you all have found out from more dependable sources than me but the skinny was:

a) Judge Louis was missing due to the sudden and tragic death of Stephen Gately, RIP.
b) At least we therefore couldn't see his smug face when John & Edward were miraculously the first let through the net by the great British public.
c) The twelve were whittled down to two - Rachel Adedeji and Kandeeeee Rayn/Kandi Rane/etc, who then had to sing for their last chance.
d) Rachel choked up in the first line of her song, which was extremely touching and won everyone over.
e) Kandy Rain bordered on criminally out of tune, which did the opposite.
f) When it came to the judges decision, Simon mysteriously voted for Kandy rain anyway (solidarity for Louis?) and, with Cheryl sensibly plumping for Rachel and the other two automatically choosing their own acts, it went to deadlock, and the public vote numbers decided it.
g) And Kandy Rain went home. Which is right and proper, given their performance.
h) Dannii half-apologised for the previous night's apparent live-outing of Danyl: she had been joking with him about it backstage, so he knew what she meant, she said. Simon apologised for over-reacting.
i) And that was it. Apart from Robbie Williams performing his new song. He's looking well.

Ta da! Apologies once more for people who thought they'd find this here yesterday, I thought so too. I apologise for us all being proved wrong, and am shaking my fist angrily at the technical gremlins in the hope that it never happens again. I'm sure they'll be really scared by that.

And that really is it (I hope). We'll be back next Saturday for the next round of live final joy. And John & Edward.