Gather round, everyone, for the world’s most embarrassing inauguration ceremony in modern history. Take a seat next to Joe Rogan and Logan Paul. Squeeze in next to Wayne Gretzky and the Village People. Or set yourself down by Eric Trump, who’s just relieved not to be sitting in the back.
Don’t fancy spending the ceremony listening to Eric talk about his latest crypto venture (blockchain is the future, guys! Guys?!) Then perhaps cozy up to Donald Jr., the anointed son who the 47th president was apparently afraid was going to be a loser even before he was born. Tiffany’s pregnant (the father of her baby is going to be President Trump’s senior adviser on Arab and Middle Eastern affairs! Super cool!) so don’t bother her; she doesn’t need it. Barron’s too young and too tall — steer clear. Ivanka? She doesn’t work here anymore. Sure, she used to be the ringmaster of this entire circus — but these days, she’s desperately trying to cultivate a chic sideshow in Oscar de la Renta even though the rest of the entire company has gone absurdist. She doesn’t want your questions about fascism or climate change denial or DEI initiatives or immigration raids. She just wants to get this over as quickly as possible.
And don’t even try talking to Melania. She can’t see or hear anything from under that hat, and she doesn’t want to. She proffered her cheek to her husband for an air-kiss without even bothering to purse her lips and he’s the president of the United States, so that’s where she’s at.
Everyone here should be embarrassed. Not just Donald Trump, who had the shame chip removed from his brain years ago anyway. Of course Trump should be embarrassed — embarrassed about his over-long, low-energy speech and his frankly sinister official portrait. In fact, when he stood up and announced that it was “Liberation Day” without any conviction at all, with a full and proper scowl on his face, I got the (fleeting) sense he actually might be.
Joe Biden should be embarrassed. I’m not going to be as mean as some of the worst memes and say our Make a Wish president is to blame for all this, but damn, the whole “let’s just talk about the good old days” strategy really didn’t translate well into 2024, did it? There is something so fundamentally toe-curlingly awful about riding in a limousine with Donald Trump to his second inauguration, months after claiming the man was a danger to democracy, and at the same time as releasing a sweeping pardon to five of your family members. Eesh.
Amy Klobuchar should be embarrassed. It’s not her fault, but she should. Anyone should be embarrassed to make a speech about “our great American experiment” on the same day that Trump’s campaign announces they will attempt to end birthright citizenship by executive order. Birthright citizenship is supposed to be central to that whole “great American experiment” thing, where any pioneer who was scrappy enough to make it in the country was supposed to be allowed to stay. Refugee status — also about to be suspended — was also kind of important (remember that whole “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” thing? Yeah? Now forget it.).
It’s fundamentally embarrassing that one of the president’s main priorities on Day One has been to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America,” to end government diversity training, and to clarify that there are two biological sexes. As someone who paid $12 for a half pint of milk at Walmart yesterday, I demand more than culture wars. Start referring to the entirety of Mexico as “Miniature Trumpville” for all anyone inside the U.S. or even Mexico cares. The idea that the actual president cares enough about this stuff to write executive orders on his first day in office is downright humiliating for the United States as a country.
Elon Musk — sorry, First Buddy! — should, obviously, be embarrassed. He should be embarrassed to have an office in the White House complex at the same time as being so fundamentally unserious that he named a government initiative DOGE. He should be embarrassed to be underqualified and overcompensated. He should be embarrassed to be an immigrant in America ushering in an era of unprecedented immigration raids and crackdowns. He won’t be, but he should be.
Much has already been made of the fact that the revolution is now being led by history’s biggest losers, men who think that America’s businesses need more “masculine energy” and that wildfires happen because lesbians are firefighters.
And now, after Trump’s inauguration speech and that painful, painful weekend of self-congratulatory far-right inauguration events, we know exactly what that revolution will look like. “Drill, baby, drill!” in Alaska. “Law and order back to our cities!” Taking “race and gender” out of public life (you can only be a Black woman on your own time now, ladies)! The military back to “defeating America’s enemies,” not… doing whatever else they were doing, which was something-something trans people! Inspiring the “awe and admiration of the entire world!” Ending “Biden’s policies of climate extremism” (Paris Climate Accord? Who needs it?!) And by the way, American landmarks will be “named to appropriately honor our nation’s history!!”
I don’t know if the people who voted for Trump because they cared about the economy and specifically because they didn’t have any money for their families care about renaming American landmarks so they conform to some far-right fantasy as a burning priority. But hey, that’s what’s going to happen.
How pointless. How disappointing. How embarrassing for us all.
