The Heisman Trophy presentation is Saturday in New York. If you’re one of the 2.4 billion uniquely qualified, extremely special people with a Heisman vote, like me, you realize you’re under sworn oath not to reveal your ballot until after the winner has been named and placed in front of a microphone to thank his mom and dad, his teammates, his coaches at his first college, his coaches at his current college, his coaches at his next college, various NIL collectives, a handful of agents and, well, you get the idea.
So, no, I can’t reveal my No. 1 guy and probably shouldn’t even share that he wears a number under 20, may or may not be on the outside of the College Football Playoff looking in and is such a strong favorite, there’s as much of a chance he’ll lose as there is that Shoehei Ohtani will sign with the White Sox. But now I’ve said too much.
Look, forget about the so-called “most coveted individual award in sports.” Way cooler, if a tad less well-known, are the Sun-Times’ annual Wiseman Trophies.
Oversizeman: Lumber on down, Brione Ramsey-Brooks, and accept this honor. “Big Bubba,” as the TCU offensive lineman is nicknamed, checks in at 6-5, 455 — the heaviest college player on record. He didn’t play much as a true freshman, but we’re betting on the future of a blocker who knows his way around a pancake.
At 6' 5" and 455 pounds @TCUFootball's Brione Ramsey-Brooks is one big dude 😳 pic.twitter.com/WZzSxuAs55
— Big Noon Kickoff (@BNKonFOX) September 2, 2023
Penalizeman: New Mexico was not to be denied in the laundry department, leading all teams in penalties (9.9) and penalty yards (89.7) per game and the only one to eclipse 1,000 yards worth of infractions. Other than that, fired coach Danny Gonzales’ Lobos played squeaky-clean football.
Antagonizeman: This one goes to Lou Holtz for saying Ohio State wasn’t “tough” enough to beat Notre Dame in South Bend, Ind. After the Buckeyes won 17-14, their coach, Ryan Day, went off on Holtz to a sideline reporter in an unforgettable rant. Fortunately, the TV cameras shut off before the tough-talking Day could challenge the 86-year-old to a steel-cage wrestling match.
Demiseman: Irish coach Marcus Freeman and defensive coordinator Al Golden share the honors for a colossal bumble — having only 10 defensive players on the field for back-to-back plays from the 1-yard line on the winning drive for the Buckeyes, who ran it in for a touchdown with 0:01 on the clock.
Deniesman: Nobody attempted to sidestep blame more boldly than Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh, who said, “I do not have any knowledge or information [about] illegally stealing signals, nor have I directed staff members or others to participate in an off-campus scouting assignment. … I do not condone or tolerate anyone doing anything illegal or against the NCAA rules.” And may God bless these United States of America.
Disguiseman: Harbaugh’s denials didn’t stop the NCAA and Central Michigan from looking into the presence of a man resembling former Michigan staffer Connor Stalions on CMU’s sideline — clad in CMU gear — for the Chippewa’s season opener at Michigan State. Take off those Groucho Marx glasses and come on down, Mr. Stalions, you rascal, you.
Central Michigan is investigating photos that show a man who resembles Michigan staff member Connor Stalions, standing on the CMU sideline with the Chippewas coaches for the team's opener Sept. 1 at Michigan State.
— Adam Rittenberg (@ESPNRittenberg) October 31, 2023
Story from @PeteThamel and me: https://t.co/yyrX2rv0Bq
Appliesman: Injuries might take a toll, but Miami tight end Cam McCormick isn’t satisfied with tying Northern Illinois’ Kyle Pugh for the longest career — eight years — in FBS history. McCormick, who had four touchdown catches in 2023, is awaiting a ruling on a petition to the ACC for a ninth year of eligibility in 2024.
Unwiseman: Miami’s coach, Mario Cristobal, buried his own team in hubris when he chose to run the ball on third down with a 20-17 lead and 33 seconds to go at Georgia Tech, which was out of timeouts. You can guess what happened — the Hurricanes fumbled, and the Yellow Jackets drove 74 yards in the blink of an eye for a huge upset. “Should have taken a knee,” Cristobal said, grasping the obvious a bit too late.
Blowdriesman: Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy’s hair has been made fun of for years, but he seemed to nail his flow this season, when, coincidentally, his team outperformed all expectations, too. Reading the comments on X, the site formerly known as Twitter, was at least as entertaining as the Big 12 title game, which the Cowboys lost to Texas. “Willing to subscribe to any of Mike Gundy’s political beliefs if my hair looks like that at age 56.” “If I had Mike Gundy’s hair, I’d probably be president.” And our favorite: “Mike Gundy’s hair looks absorbent to kitchen spills.”
Diesman: Iowa’s MVP had to be peerless punter Tory Taylor, who set a career high with 86 punts, killing 30 of them inside the 20-yard line. In one game alone — a 15-6 win at Wisconsin — he killed six punts inside the 20, which he has done a truly amazing 125 times as a Hawkeye.
Dyesman: It goes to Division III SUNY Morrisville for changing the turf at Drake Field to all black, matching the Mustangs’ unsightly one-win record at home.
Capsizeman: What happened to “rowing the boat”? P.J. Fleck’s Minnesota squad lost its last four games to finish the regular season under water at 5-7. Despite that, the Gophers received a Quick Lane Bowl invitation they could not have deserved any less. “Wins didn’t get us there,” Fleck reasoned, “but we will take it.”
Demoralizeman: Alabama gets this award for — all in the same early-December weekend — (1) spoiling rival Auburn’s upset bid with a fourth-and-31 touchdown pass, (2) kicking Florida State out of the playoff and (3) totally bumming out Michigan, which now has the unenviable task of facing the Crimson Tide in the semifinals. Michigan’s disappointment when “Alabama” flashed on the screen during ESPN’s selection show was palpable.
Goodbyesman: Well, Pac-12, it’s been real. Who knows what awaits your former members in all the new conferences to which they’re scattering? But the sport sure will miss you.
