The voice referendum’s no campaign seems increasingly concerned that “if you don’t know, vote no” may be too complicated a message for its own supporters to follow. But with the latest Naplan results showing one in three Australian school students is not meeting minimum numeracy and literacy expectations, perhaps they’ve got good reason to be. Indeed, the referendum has become something of a Naplan test for the no campaign this week. On the literacy side, the no campaign is concerned people won’t write yes or no but instead will disqualify their vote by marking their ballot paper with a cross. And on the numeracy side, some of them seem to be in confusion about whether the Uluru statement is one page or 26.
Some sympathy should be extended to these no voters, though. Despite the fact that they only have to write two-thirds as many letters as yes voters, it may become too much for them in the heat of the moment and a couple of strokes may be the limit of their abilities. Furthermore, the instructions are only clearly written on the ballot paper, twice, and in bold lettering, so it’s perfectly understandable if, in all the excitement of refusing to support an Indigenous voice to parliament, they accidentally invent their own system of voting. It’ll be their own Homer Simpson moment, mirroring the Little Miss Springfield episode where newsreader Kent Brockman reports that Homer filled out a form incorrectly because “in the area under ‘DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE’, he wrote ‘OKAY’”.
Not since “axe the tax” and “stop the boats” have we been blessed with messaging of the same cerebral depth as “if you don’t know, vote no”. Scott Morrison as prime minister attempted a similar rhyming scheme when he told Australians that “if you have a go, you get a go” but ultimately voters decided that was a no-go and he had to go. “If you don’t know, vote no”, however, is far more effective because you don’t even need to have a go. You can just give up on educating yourself and be proud in doing so. It makes “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!” sound highfalutin.
The problem with the slogan’s logic, however, is that by extension it’s saying “If you do know, vote yes”. Perhaps instead of giving their votes to the no campaign, the “don’t know” voters should just write “don’t know”. What has the no campaign done to earn their vote?
Someone who probably should have said no this week was the prime minister, Anthony Albanese, when he was offered to wear a Rio Tinto vest emblazoned with his own name. The backlash from some was so strong, he no doubt wished the hi-vis vest could have been a little more lo-vis. In fairness to Rio Tinto, after they lost a tiny radioactive capsule for several days earlier this year, they probably felt the need to make sure the prime minister was visible at all times. After that and the Juukan Gorge destruction of 2020, the last thing the company needed was to be responsible for Albanese having his own Harold Holt moment.
While announcing the referendum date this week, Albanese repeated his talking point about how the Australian coat of arms should serve as an example of progress since “the emu and the kangaroo never go backwards, only forwards”. That seems to be broadly true except when it comes to a flying kangaroo, in which case, it sometimes doesn’t go anywhere at all, with the ACCC now suing Qantas for selling tickets to flights that had already been cancelled. The deputy prime minister, Richard Marles, seems to have found a way around cancelled flights, however, with reports that he’s been booking military planes to get him to and from Avalon airport. According to news reports, Marles has racked up $3.6m in spending on private flights since April last year, a figure that has drawn ire from many, most notably former Liberal MP Bronwyn Bishop. When even Bronwyn “get to the chopper” Bishop is calling you out over travel expenses, you know you’re in trouble.
There are increasing concerns that, following Labor’s decision to block Qatar Airways from introducing additional services into Australia, the government is getting too close to Qantas, meaning we could be only days away from the national carrier taking a leaf out of Rio Tinto’s book and issuing the prime minister with a personalised flight attendant uniform. If this level of chumminess with Rio Tinto and Qantas is feeling a bit gross to you, try to remember a more refined time, like when the prime minister was a guest at Kyle Sandilands’ wedding. Ah, the good old days.
Mark Humphries is a writer/performer, best known for his political sketches on ABC TV’s 7.30. His most recent publication is On Politics and Stuff, co-written with Evan Williams
