I am so grateful that I am not a famous human woman existing in the world right now. Taylor, Selena, Keke—the investigative deep dives that fans and followers (and yes, publications) take on every inch of your beauty choices are so unhinged at times. How can you stand millions of people theorizing about everything from your mental state to your relationship status based on today's manicure color? Obviously, starlets of this caliber are a bit more accustomed to relentless critique, but for the average beauty participant like myself, the idea that my nail color shade can and does indicate my availability to (deep breath) men, makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a dessert fork.
Blue nail theory, red nail theory, and white nail theory—all skyrocketing searches in the US this week, per Google Trends. According to TikToks with views in the hundreds of thousands, each shade is way we can signal our biological readiness to repopulate the earth with a swift swipe of nail polish. All these years I thought brushing my teeth and shaving my legs for a first date were the ultimate signs of respect and interest; apparently, I should be making an emergency mani appointment to paint my nails eggshell to attract potential suitors—according to white nail theory at least. It means (*checks TikTok notes*) that I am single and ready to meet the man of my dreams. But what if it's on my toenails? Does that mean I'm only looking to hook up? Will I attract the foot fetish crowd?? Rihanna, let me know how the vibes shift when you rock that white pedicure.
So, what happens if the date goes well and we find ourselves a few months or years down the road? Goodbye ivory, hello crimson, according to red nail theory. While some (alleged) experts say this color simply invites positive energy into your life, others say that it can remind men of their mothers and inspire them to get down on one knee. Oh boy, just what I've always wanted—to become some man's replacement mother. Good thing my mom didn't start painting her nails until her late 60s, otherwise I'd be a few days away from matrimony with my predilection for flaming cherry red nails.
Then there's the incredibly buzzy blue nail theory. As I write this with my claws are painted my favorite shade of navy blue, and I'll admit that I gave zero brainpower to the idea that the color would signal that I am in a relationship since, one, I am not, and two, I simply enjoy the shade. How and why did the concept of men infiltrate something as seemingly innocuous as selecting a polish off the wall at my local Brooklyn salon? Can't a girl treat herself to an afternoon of pampering without a boy getting involved?
Now if we're really going to put this much stock into a manicure color, I'd rather we channel that power in a different way. Sure, it can sometimes feel like virtue signaling to paint your political or socio-ideological views on your fingertips, especially if you do little else to advance the cause represented in your design. Still, I'd rather we test the waters of aesthetically-minded resistance, protest, and civil unrest rather than bowing to this type of bizarre heteronormative gesticulation. Ever better? Sometimes a cute blue manicure is just...a cute blue manicure. That's okay. Not every beauty choice we make needs to be weighed down by Swiftian-level Easter eggs.
So, to the next man who takes me out on a Friday night and spots my (admittedly rather grown out) navy nails, I promise I'm not secretly engaged. But if you want to book my next gel manicure appointment, I will certainly not say no. Maybe that's the real appeal of this whole wacky idea—more boys booking more beauty appointments for their loving dates, wives, girlfriends who deserve them. Bonus points if they make one for themselves as well! I'd love to learn TikTok's take on the blue nail theory for the straight guys in the crowd.
