You have to hand it to the Tory party. They know how to give us all a good laugh. Their desire to be an irrelevance is uncontained. A death spiral of existential nihilism. The self-proclaimed “world’s most sophisticated electorate” of Tory MPs has given us the sketch-writer’s dream ending.
After Tuesday’s third round of voting it seemed an inevitability that James Cleverly was going to make it through to the final two. Even Jimmy Dimly seemed to think he was a shoo-in. During prime minister’s questions he preened on the opposition frontbench. A man awaiting his coronation.
The tipping point had appeared to be the Tory party conference, where there had been a brief outbreak of something approaching sanity. Or as near as the current iteration of the party can manage. Jimmy Dimly had walked on stage and offered the faint glimmer of hope that redemption was possible in a decade or so.
Jimmy D had also come up with the radical idea that the Tories might like to think about trying to be a little more normal. Rather than retreating further into the disturbed psyches of the dwindling Tory membership, maybe it was time to stop waiting for the country to become as weird as them.
Dimly had had the stunning insight that the support of just 120,000 Tory members wasn’t enough to win the Tories an election. Rather, it was a recipe for annihilation.
So on Wednesday, the 120 Tory MPs – Rishi Sunak didn’t vote – had just one job. For once in their lives they were tasked with doing something normal. They could allow themselves one completely deranged person to make it on to the final ballot, but somehow 40 of them had to find a way of doing the right thing by keeping Jimmy Dimly in play. To at least give the members a chance to see if they too could be normal.
But these days the Tories never fail to find a way to fuck things up for themselves. It’s a very special kind of genius. Maybe the Tory MPs just got too cute in trying to game the system. A fuck up on an epic scale. Or maybe the Tory MPs just aren’t that normal after all. Can’t even pretend to be normal. Because when the 1922 Committee chair came to announce the ballot, it turned out Dimly had two votes fewer than the day before and that Kemi Badenoch and Robert Jenrick were through.
Just let this sink in. The turkeys have voted for Christmas. Desperate for their own destruction, the Tory MPs chose the two most incompetent and deranged candidates. The two candidates guaranteed to leave the Tories wallowing in obscurity for years.
Honest Bob, a latter day culture war convert without a mind of his own who will jump on any populist bandwagon. And KemiKaze, a woman fuelled by self-loathing who picks a fight with her own reflection and takes it out on anyone around her. You couldn’t find two people less likely to appeal to the country.
For the Tories, it’s borderline terminal. Even Conservative MPs don’t think Honest Bob or Kemikaze will last more than two years in the job. But just think of the damage they could do in that time. For the rest of us it’s top bants. The result that some of us have dreamed about. The smiles on the faces of all Labour MPs said it all. Happy days were back again.
If you were to believe all that you had read in some sections of the media, Keir Starmer’s government has been lurching from crisis to crisis. On the verge of imminent collapse. Its poll rating plummeting so that it was only marginally more popular than the Tories. Though that last figure needs to be treated with caution. Labour support wasn’t that much higher at the time of the election. It just happened that their votes were well distributed.
Now it’s true that the first 100 days in office haven’t gone entirely as Labour would have wanted. The messaging over the winter fuel allowance was amateur hour. First portrayed as a cut. Then, as panic set in, as a means-tested increase in government expenditure. Though this was as nothing compared with the freebie own goals. In what world did Starmer think it was a good idea to have someone else buy his suits and specs? Why not go the whole hog and get sponsored team shirts?
Then there has been the infighting that culminated in the resignation – defenestration? – of Sue Gray. You might have thought the Labour staffers would have waited for six months or so before falling out with one another. That they might have been at least a little bit excited at winning an election for the first time in 14 years and have concentrated on the main job in hand. Youngsters these days. They don’t know they’re born. Just don’t have the concentration span. Ennui settles in within days.
But rumours of the demise of the Labour party would appear to be premature. Because no matter how incompetent Starmer appears to be, he can always rely on the Tories to be even worse. It’s a very handy safety net when you’re eating up your political goodwill at a disturbingly quick rate. And nowhere was this more obvious than in the first PMQs for several weeks. With seemingly all the ammunition in the world to give the Labour leader a tricky half hour, Rishi Sunak could barely land a blow.
Now, in the broader scheme of things, PMQs doesn’t really count for much. All sound and fury. The political equivalent of a light entertainment show. Something soon forgotten. Yet it does give you an indication of the overall general health of parties and their leaders. And on this showing, the Tories are still on life support. Still struggling to come to terms with their electoral annihilation. Yet to work out that just because voters are disappointed with Labour, that doesn’t translate into any real affection for the Conservatives.
With Rish!, all we have left is a man going through the motions. Counting the days until he no longer has to bother with Westminster. He began with a tired dig about Sue Gray. He thought Starmer was against fire and rehire. The old ones … are the old ones. The Labour leader merely ignored him. What had the Tories ever done for the country over the past 14 years? Other than to leave it on its knees. This one could easily run for a couple of years or more. Longer possibly, given that Honest Bob or KemiKaze will be Sunak’s replacement.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
A year in Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar. On Tuesday 3 December, join Crace, Hyde and Crerar as they look back at a political year like no other, live at the Barbican in London and livestreamed globally. Book tickets here or at guardian.live.
