FLORIDA BLUES
Thomas Tuchel arrived at Chelsea 18 months ago with a reputation as a highly talented and progressive coach – but also a man capable of starting an argument in an empty room. He proceeded to wow everyone, most noticeably the players, with his charm, humour and intelligence, and the Blues embarked on a spectacular run of form culminating in the Big Cup triumph of May 2021. Collectively, thanks to Tuchel’s careful prompting, Chelsea seemed to achieve a Zen-like state of humility and togetherness that allowed them to turn defence into attack like a well-engineered and recently serviced machine.
But things are different now. The Roman era is over. Todd Boehly and chums are at the big wheel. Andreas Christensen and Antonio Rüdiger bumbled off to Barcelona and Real Madrid, respectively, leaving two massive holes in a previously miserly defence (the loss of Danny Drinkwater, whose contract expired at the end of June, may prove less damaging, admittedly). And things have now got so bad that Tuchel’s charges were thumped 4-0 by Arsenal in the prestigious Florida Cup on Sunday.
“The worrying part is that the level of commitment physically and mentally for this match was far higher for Arsenal than for us,” Tuchel fumed. “I am far from relaxed. I cannot guarantee we will be ready in two weeks. We got sanctioned and players left us and some players are trying to leave us, and this is where it is. So we had an urgent appeal for quality players, a huge amount of quality players.”
Well, Raheem Sterling and Kalidou Koulibaly aren’t exactly bad new additions. But will Chelsea be ready to challenge the big boys for the Premier League? “Given our last two weeks, our game today, we should not mention the two teams in front of us,” he sniffed. “We got absolutely beaten by a team that does not play [Big Cup] football next season and finished behind us.” Yikes. The super-spiky version of Tuchel we were promised in January 2021 has now reared its head. What will happen should a potential deal for defender Jules Koundé go down the swanny? The Fiver, for one, will be getting the popcorn in if it comes to pass.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I spoke to [Matthijs] after training and he said the session was his hardest in four years. It was hard, but it wasn’t that hard. He didn’t play so many minutes last season and I’ve heard that in Italy it’s not easy to stay fit” – Bayern head coach Julian Nagelsmann aims a not-so-subtle dig at Juventus with claims that Matthijs de Ligt was exhausted after the first training session with his new club.
FIVER LETTERS
“Scouse MMA fighter Molly McCann had a busy Saturday night. After emphatically defeating her latest opponent, she still had time to grab the MC’s microphone and effortlessly whip up the crowd in some anti-Tory chanting, while casually reminding Frank Lampard’s Everton how much they had let down Toffees supporters last season” – Steve Malone.
“Re: Friday’s Fiver. Delighted that time hasn’t diminished The Fiver’s memory of Risdalenomics. As a Leeds fan, it’s somewhat galling to see what ought to have been a warning be used instead as an instruction manual” – Darren Leathley.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Steve Malone.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Women’s Football Weekly podcast.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
England’s Fran Kirby hopes the team can give the public some respite from the never-ending state of things as they prepare for a Euro 2022 semi-final against Sweden. “As much as we want to win, we want to put a smile on people’s faces,” she said. “They may be going through a hard time in terms of the rising fuel costs and the cost of living right now.”
South Africa have won the Women’s Africa Cup of Nations for the first time after beating hosts Morocco 2-1 in the final. Hildah Magaia scored both goals as the five-time runners-up finally got their hands on the trophy.
Pitch invasions, pyro, lobbing objects and drug use could all end up with fans being banned from stadiums and being reported to police, under new measures agreed by the game’s authorities. “We are making clear the type of incidents we saw last season must stop,” sighed Premier League chief suit Richard Masters.
Sassuolo have cashed in their Gianluca Scamacca chips to the tune of £35.5m in a deal with West Ham.
Ben Davies has extended his Tottenham contract until 2025, while young forward Troy Parrott is set to sign a new deal and join Preston on loan.
Spain forward Lucía García is heading for the WSL, joining Manchester United until 2024. “The fact that a club of this size has put their faith in me is a dream come true,” she cheered.
Northern Counties East Football League side Hallam FC have signed former Czech Republic defender Daniel Pudil.
Reading are hoping to raise awareness of the climate crisis after incorporating “warming stripes” into the design of their new home kit.
In more threads news, there is a shortage of replicas being delivered in time for the new season in English football, with Puma claiming 15% of an order for home shirts had been lost at the entry port in the UK during transit.
And Elgin City have offered free refreshments to an unfortunate fan who was hit by a stray ball at the worst possible moment during their Scottish League Cup game against Queen of the South. Heads!
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s already Premier League preview time, kicking off with No 1 Arsenal and No 2 Aston Villa.
Ukraine is preparing for a remarkable return of league football. Nick Ames has more.
Now is the perfect time to launch a promised review into the women’s domestic game and end eyebrow-raising disparities, writes Marie-Christine Bouchier.
Ben Fisher checks in with Derby County to find there is hope after chaos for the Rams.
Ten of the best value-for-money signings so far in this transfer window. By Niall McVeigh.
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