THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE
It was a tense Wednesday night in Fiver Towers. Two TV screens, two matters of great national import, two compelling struggles: England trying to hold on to their 1-0 lead over Austria in an increasingly fraught Euro 2022 opener, and Boris Johnson trying to preserve his 42-0 deficit against the Tories. Our eyes were mainly on the former, where Beth Mead’s stylish early goal gave the Euro 2022 hosts an important if nervy victory. The Fiver didn’t deal with the tension of the last 25 minutes particularly well, polishing off a quota of Tin that was supposed to last us up to and including Sweden v Switzerland at 5pm on Wednesday 13 July. By the final whistle we were so discombobulated that we were screaming for Sarina Wiegman to resign and BJ to pick Alex Greenwood against Norway on Monday.
But a win is a win is an excuse for even more Tin, so that was the Netherlands v Portugal ration gone as well. Truth is, we may have overreacted a touch, because in many ways this was the perfect start for England. They won, thus averting a nationwide navel-gazeathon before the tournament was 24 hours old. But they didn’t win so emphatically that Granny Fiver was out on the balcony until sunrise armed with a party horn, a bottle of Good Vibes and a pathological inability to get bored of singing “It’s Coming Home”.
The way the match progressed allowed a record crowd of 68,871, and the gazillions watching at home, to get used to the emotional spin cycle that is an inescapable part of supporting England at major tournaments. Wiegman, as ever, was the voice of sanity after the game, but even her language reflected a nuanced night. If we knew how to put her post-match interviews into a buzzwords graphic generator, these are some of the words and phrases that would pop up: “happy”, “sloppy”, “nerves”, “good goal”, “unbelievable”, “not very good”, “a lot better”, “can do better”, “how do you spell Tugendhat”.
England’s next game is on Monday against a serious Norway side, who play their first Group A match against Northern Ireland at St Mary’s on Thursday night. It’s likely to be a mismatch – Norway hammered them twice during qualification – though The Fiver has been loath to make assumptions since we bet the farm that Goliath would make hamburger out of David. Besides, this is about more than winning and losing for Northern Ireland. It’s their first game at a major tournament, which means instant immortality for all involved. “We’re just going to go out and do our best, as we always will,” said defender Abbie Magee. “But it’s just showing the girls and boys back home that anything is possible … They’re looking for your autograph, they want a picture of you and they want to be you and it’s just kind of amazing that we’re going to leave a legacy after this tournament and inspire more girls to play for Northern Ireland.”
In some ways it’s a win-win situation. Which, if nothing else, should mean a less fraught night at Fiver Towers.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
Join Rob Smyth from 8pm BST for MBM coverage of Norway 4-1 Northern Ireland in Euro 2022.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Once again, Uefa proudly showcased [the] EqualGame campaign – sadly we feel this should have been qualified with the term ‘unless you are a disabled fan’” – you’ll be shocked to learn that after Uefa was told to make more space for supporters at Big Cup final in Paris, it didn’t, as revealed by disability access charity Level Playing Field.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Podcasts everywhere: first up, here’s our latest Women’s Football Weekly show, while Football Weekly Extra is over here.
FIVER LETTERS
“So disappointed that no one commented further on the results in Sierra Leone of Kahunla 95-0 Lumbebu United, and Gulf FC 91-1 Koquima Lebanon (Tuesday’s News, Bits and Bobs). Two points to be made: firstly, the half-time scores were, respectively, 2-0 and 7-1. Therefore Kahunla scored 93 goals in 45 minutes and Gulf FC managed a paltry 84 in their second half. And do we have any evidence that Harry Maguire was holidaying in the vicinity?” – Nigel Sanders.
“Much admiring David Maddock’s contribution (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I feel the use of images (to win!) is dragging The Fiver down into the realms of social media disgraces. I trust the values of a one-line quip, a deep (and often head scratching) delve into pedantry, will not be devalued” – David Murphy.
“Re: yesterday’s letters. Way to go, David. A winner, a partner and it was actually quite funny. Making people around the world feel inadequate. It seems we have, at last, found the answer to the much-missed Guardian Soulmates” – John Stainton.
“I can confirm that Downing Street have been in touch to ask if they can borrow our door sign featured in yesterday’s letters” – David Maddock.
“Anyone mentioning Fiver merchandise seems to win letter o’ the day. So I would just like to say it’s a brilliant idea and I would buy some too” – Andrew Want.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Andrew Want.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
US Soccer has suspended the coaching licence of Brad Evans following a Guardian investigation into alleged sexual misconduct by the former University of Toledo head coach. Part two of Matthew Hall’s exclusive and harrowing investigation is up now.
Another day, another Barcelona unveiling: this time, it’s defender Andreas Christensen. “Barça attracts me because of the way they play,” he cheered. “I remember, specifically, Ronaldinho. The way he played … I wanted to be a striker like him.”
It’s good that Barça have some spare coin to throw at their new free agent signings, because it appears Frenkie de Jong’s move to Manchester United is being held up by £17m that he’s owed in deferred salary payments by the Catalan club.
Having been mugged off by VAR in Huddersfield’s playoff defeat to Nottingham Forest, manager Carlos Corberán has decided to do one. “The timing is disappointing,” sniffed head of football operations Leigh Bromby, as Danny Schofield stepped up to the hot seat.
Tyler Adams and Luís Sinisterra will soon be able to sample the joys of shopping at the White Rose Centre after Leeds used their Kalvin Phillips money on the pair.
Neco Williams and Omar Richards are heading for Nottingham Forest.
And in something we realise should probably have gone further up this list, Chelsea have agreed terms with Raheem Sterling, which will preempt a £45m deal with Manchester City.
STILL WANT MORE?
England’s win over Austria at Euro 2022 gets a good picking over from Karen Carney, Jonathan Liew and Louise Taylor.
Adrian Chiles got a back-to-front West Brom tattoo – and he loves it.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
