REDMAYNIA
Yesterday’s STOP FOOTBALL edition of the Fiver touched upon the STOP FOOTBALL seemingly interminable nature of the current season, which STOP FOOTBALL started in 2019 and has taken in one pandemic, two lockdowns, one Euros, a Copa América, an Africa Cup of Nations, an Olympic Games, withdrawal from the single market, insurrection at the Capitol, and 33 editions of the Nations League. The next scheduled opportunity for everyone to dismount the treadmill and get some rest is next summer, after the completion of the Ethics World Cup and all the surrounding competitions that particular farce is going to ruin. STOP FOOTBALL STOP FOOTBALL STOP FOOTBALL PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE STOP IT.
The Fiver is clearly not the only one currently experiencing unprecedented levels of apathy, ennui and plain old boredom with this neverending drag. Players and coaches are evidently so pig-sick of playing and playing and playing that they’re now desperately searching for outside-the-box ways to while away the time and keep themselves amused. Nothing illustrates that better than the plan cooked up by Australia boss Graham Arnold and substitute goalkeeper Andrew Redmayne, which gambled the Socceroos’ entire World Cup qualifying campaign on some contemporary dance, and no, the fact that the gambit proved successful doesn’t make it any less absurd.
As the clock ticked past 120 goalless minutes of gold-plated playoff tedium between Australia and Peru, Arnold sent on Redmayne in the time-honoured Tuchel-Kepa tradition. They hadn’t even mentioned the scheme to the man being replaced, captain Mat Ryan, despite hatching it six weeks ago, but unlike the hapless Chelsea duo’s League Cup caper, the Socceroo switcheroo worked like a dream. Redmayne cavorted back and forth along the line in the manner of a lead singer in an early-70s prog-rock band, his prithee-merry-jester hops, jigs and leaps doing enough to put off Peru’s Alex Valera for the decisive penalty. The discombobulated Valera hit a weak effort towards the bottom left, Redmayne frolicked in the correct direction, the ball disappeared into his industrial-strength hipster’s beard, and Australia had qualified for Qatar.
“I’m no hero,” insisted Redmayne, who immediately went on to explain why he actually kind of was. “Peru would have prepared all week thinking Matty was going to be in goals, so to put me on would have thrown them a little bit. I spoke to a couple of players in our cohort and they said it would have rattled them having a different goalkeeper come on.”
One heck of a hustle, then, providing some much-needed entertainment in testing times. The only mild disappointment was that Redmayne only faced six penalties, robbing the keeper of further opportunity to showcase some of the more outré routines he’d prepared, rumoured to have included cartwheels, pommel horse, the cancan, a tightrope walk, the juggling of flamin’ batons on a unicycle, and a homage to Roy Jay.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray for hot MBM coverage of England 2-1 Hungary in the Nations League from 7.45pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Everyone’s going to have those butterflies when we have to go in one by one and speak to Sarina on Wednesday and find out our fate” – Lucy Bronze captures the mood among the England squad as they wait to find out tomorrow whether they have made the final 23 for next month’s European Championship.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the pod squad are back on tour. The last remaining tickets to live shows in June and July are available here.
FIVER LETTERS
“I am sure that I will be one of over 1,000 readers who will be pointing out that Southport finished second in the Fourth Division in 1966-67 [Monday’s letters] five points behind Stockport County, the champions” – Lee Pettifer.
“Re Manchester United’s summer friendlies – surely Mrs Glazer taught her children that it’s in poor taste to parade one’s new lover past the ex’s front door?” – Harriet Osborn.
“As a scouser living in Wales for over 30 years (my children were born here) I just have to laugh at the Gareth Bale saga. He is involved in two pubs in Cardiff. Elevenses, a sports pub which is amazing for footie memorabilia but expensive. Plus a golf bar. Elevenses used to be called Dempsey and was the home to the Welsh Celtic Supporters. Coming home” – John Angus McLaren.
“I was on a social media disgrace earlier, misread the start of this headline and blame The Fiver entirely” – Jim Hearson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Harriet Osborn.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The former Rangers and Scotland winger Davie Wilson has died aged 85.
Blackburn have named former Denmark international Jon Dahl Tomasson as their new manager. Rovers “have a lot of ambitions and a great tradition”, he trilled.
Vincent Kompany is back in English football with Burnley baby.
On the transfer merry-go-round, Spurs have agreed a deal worth around £22.5m for Brighton’s Yves Bissouma, Leeds lead the chase for Bayern’s Marc Roja and Manchester United and Crystal Palace are keen on Wayne Rooney’s Derby’s Malcolm Ebiowei.
They may have made José Mourinho wait for a year but Roma have finally announced the signing of Nemanja Matic from Manchester United.
On (yet another) busy June night of action, Croatia did a number on France while Denmark beat Austria in the Nations League.
STILL WANT MORE?
Bielsa and Pochettino: two out-of-work Argentinian managers talk Neymar’s parties and why there’s no happiness in football – an imagined video chat transcribed by Jonathan Liew.
Despite his relentless schedule, Harry Kane’s hunger for competition drives him on for England … as well as to the golf course, writes David Hytner.
Never mind what your eyes tell you, Ben McAleer adds that the numbers also point to Erling Haaland perhaps looking a useful option for Manchester City, with the odd goal potentially possible from the Leeds-born turbo-grock.
How do the Elland Road faithful fancy Kalvin Phillips out, Danny Ings in? Oh. Maybe don’t read today’s Rumour Mill then.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
