Name: Fake grass.
Age: The first artificial turf pitch is said to have been laid in Rhode Island in 1964.
Appearance: Like grass, but always greener.
Is it popular? It started to become so about 10 or 15 years ago, when the look of artificial turf was improved. Then there was a sudden surge of interest during lockdown, with installers reporting record sales.
And now? Now the fake grass backlash is fully under way. Demand in Britain in 2023 is down 66% on 2021 figures, and people are sorely regretting their plastic lawns.
Why? What’s wrong with evergreen, maintenance-free grass? It’s not maintenance free. You may not have to mow it, but you do have to vacuum it. Otherwise leaves just sit on top.
That’s a chore I hadn’t reckoned with. Artificial grass also doesn’t drain well. It soaks up and retains the smell of dog urine. And it gets so hot in summer it burns your feet.
I’m still stuck on the idea of hoovering the outdoors. Fake grass is also more expensive to lay than actual grass, and yet it can lower the value of your home by up to 5%.
Do you use, like, a regular vacuum, or is there a special grass one? On top of all that, artificial lawns are seen as an environmental disaster, usurping habitats for insects and wild plants.
For the owners, presumably that’s part of the attraction – no bugs, no weeds. Yes. That’s why the Springwatch presenter Chris Packham described artificial grass as the “horticultural antichrist”.
Is that possibly a bit strong? Maybe not. People with artificial lawns have also been asking councils to remove overhanging trees and shrubs that deposit leaves, to cut down on all the vacuuming.
Idiots! We should ban them. It’s a popular idea. According to a survey from Mybuilder.com, 24% of Britons would like plastic grass to be banned.
I was actually suggesting a ban on idiots, but I can see that would be impractical. The Welsh government also briefly considered a ban, while environmental campaigners have called for a tax on artificial lawns.
Let’s start by pulling up all the plastic grass. That’s already happening. The Eden Project in Cornwall was obliged to take up its artificial turf last year after protests.
Hang on – the Eden Project, whose mission is, according to its website, “to create a movement that builds relationships between people and the natural world”, had fake grass? It was a temporary solution for a muddy children’s play area, but yes. It has since had a change of heart.
Do say: “Real grass is better than fake grass, but what you really want is a biodiverse wildflower meadow.”
Don’t say: “Out of interest, how much would it cost to carpet the whole thing?”
