Two decades ago, my husband said, "I'm just going down to the shed." Actually, he says "I'm just going down to the shed" four or five times each day. The phrase is probably almost as common in Australia as "A skinny latte please" and "No worries".
That particular venture into his shed eventually produced my birthday present - a thick varnished hunk of branch hung with small pots of succulents and cacti.
My husband has as much knowledge of gardening as I have of the internal combustion engine i.e. almost nil. I assumed those ceramic pots would dry out in 24 hours and so would their soil, and the plants would kark it in a week if I didn't water them daily.
I hung them outside my study window, and meant to water them daily - they were a gift from him and I loved them, but as time went by the watering became weekly, monthly, and "whenever I remember and happen to be holding a hose".
All but one plant have not only survived, but thrived.
I had never been interested in cacti or succulents before, and so I had quite accidentally given them exactly the care they needed: almost nil.
Cacti and succulents not only lose very little water to evaporation, but store moisture in their thick stems or leaves. They live on their hump, like camels, and evolved in spots where their roots could find a small crevice, hunker down, and sit there, neither growing nor dying till a bit of rain came and they could get bigger.
I hadn't been a fan of prickles till then. Even the most handsome cactus looked like it needed a good haircut, a properly styled one, and not with the clippers. I hadn't realised that cacti and succulents only look really handsome somewhere that approximates their desert homeland, like my hanging branch next to a hot stone wall, or the top of a wall, or in a hot summer rockery, or along the edge of a concrete balcony or sitting on a sunny window ledge.
What is the difference between a cactus and a succulent? Not much, in terms of employment and enjoyment. The real difference is the way they store moisture for long periods of heat and drought, though most survive extreme cold too, as deserts are naturally places that can freeze your toes off at night and boil your eyeballs during the day.
Cacti have needle-like spines. Always use gloves when handling cacti. Don't think that wrapping your hand in your tee shirt will save you, because you'll just end up with spines in your tee shirt as well as your fingers. A few species of cacti have leaves, but most don't. They store their water in their fleshy stems, which also photosynthesise i.e. they use sunlight to harvest tucker from carbon dioxide and water and produce oxygen as a byproduct. It is a little humbling to think that the substance that we depend on for life is just a byproduct.
Succulents, on the other hand, have fleshy leaves, usually tough. They often ooze sap if you snap them open.
Don't water either cacti or succents till the water in their pot or the soil around them has entirely dried out. This will not be a problem for any negligent gardener. But when you do water, give them a really good soaking as by then their soil will be moisture repelling and just run out of the pot, leaving the plant roots still dry.
If you have a very hairy cactus it's a good idea to water it from its base so that moisture doesn't get trapped in its prickles and trigger rot or fungus.
Cacti and succulents do best when fed, but only in the hotter months of the year - they more or less go into hibernation in the cold, needing far less water and no tucker.
Cactus can be grown indoors as long as they get about eight hours of direct sunlight. It's not the heat they want - it's sun. You could also create a mini desert in your otherwise lush garden - create a separate small sunny garden where your cacti et al won't be shaded by trees or suffer the humidity from long grass.
Even better, place a bird bath on a pole or on the garden table, line it with attractive pebbles, and place your pots on top. Don't plant in a bird bath though, unless it has drainage holes. It is also a good idea to put up another bird bath or two to appease the birds.
The branch of cacti and succulent pots still hangs by our front steps, where I can see it from my window. It's a rare visitor who doesn't admire it. It did look moribund after three months of bushfire wind and no water, but revived splendidly two drinks later.
If you have a brown-thumbed friend, or a hot, sunny but bare space, consider a spiky garden, using small species for pots, and tall-growing ones to plant under the windows to deter burglars. Most will bloom - eventually. Desert flowers are vivid, and always surprising. And while one cacti or succulent may look insignificant, a bunch of them, artistically placed, gives enormous joy for almost total neglect.
This week I am:
- Possibly planting seeds of every summer veg we love, if I have time, which I probably won't.
- Smearing crunchy peanut butter on 'live' rat and mouse traps, so we don't poison the powerful owls et al with rodent baits.
- Watering. Watering. Weeding.
- Catching many queen European wasps in our traps. Act now, or summer may be painful or even deadly for you, friends, family and most native species.
- Being grateful that we don't have to mow and that the wombats, wallabies et al are even tidying up the grassy edges next to the feature rocks.
- Clarifying that we didn't put the feature boulders there - we just had to arrange our garden around them. But I still love them.
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