The perfect gift for Father’s Day? A $199 sex toy, according to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop

‘No, it’s not a bottle opener – guess again!’ Photograph: Chris Willemsen/Alamy

Name: Father’s Day.

Age: As a tradition celebrating fatherhood, ancient; as a modern, add-on afterthought to Mother’s Day, 113 years old.

Appearance: In the US, UK and many other countries, it’s the third Sunday in June. In Australia, it’s the first Sunday in September. Still others celebrate it on the Feast of Saint Joseph, 19 March.

So even if you forget, it’s always Father’s Day somewhere. That’s not going to work as an excuse.

I love my father, but I always struggle to find an original gift that combines something he enjoys with the appropriate sentiment. What did you get him last year?

A rake. I see the problem.

I mean, it was a pretty nice rake. Have you thought about perusing the Goop Father’s Day gift guide?

Isn’t that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle company? Yes, but it’s so much more than that.

I know – they also sell dubious wellness remedies. Yes, but it’s also so much more than that. This year they’ve added a specially curated, 71-item shopping list for those looking for the perfect Father’s Day gift.

What sort of thing are we talking about? How about a lovely beach blanket, for just $890 (£718)?

$890? What’s it made out of, spun gold? It’s made from cotton, but according to Goop, this striped blanket is “the last you’ll ever buy”.

You’re goddamn right it is. Do they have any £1,000 rakes for sale? Or what about a Hugo, for $219?

The Hugo. Photograph: Goop

That’s a little closer to my price range, but what exactly is a Hugo? It’s a hands-free prostate stimulator.

A what now? It looks a bit like a lobster claw, but with a powerful vibrating motor inside. The insertable head massages the prostate.

Insertable, did you say? The external head, meanwhile, “delivers satisfying vibrations to the perineum”.

Are you suggesting I buy one of these for my dad? That’s up to you. They’re also offering Arcwave Ions for $199.

Is that like an Alexa? Sort of. It’s “an air-pulsing sex toy for penis owners”.

Oh my. Don’t they have any bird feeders, or books about trains? Not really, but it’s not all sex toys. They have a quality tartan shirt, red and black, oversized, very dad-like.

Great. How much? $2,350.

I give up – I’ll take the vibrator. You’re going to make an old man very happy.

Do say: “No, it’s not a bottle opener – guess again!”

Don’t say: “Dad! What are you doing with that portable espresso machine I bought you?”