The Olympic Games are officially upon us once again and the world’s best athletes are descending on the city of love for the ultimate tests of speed, endurance and skill — which is why organisers have given athletes a whopping 230,000 condoms for the two-week tournament.
The combination of being in the city of love, and the fact that Tokyo 2020’s COVID-induced intimacy ban is out the window means that Paris 2024 is shaping up to be great for, umm… international relations.
While the athletes will be snoozing on cardboard beds, contrary to popular belief, this actually isn’t an anti-sex measure. Rumours swirled back in 2021 that the beds were designed to collapse under the weight of more than one body, but this isn’t true — they can actually hold up to 200kg and are reportedly more sturdy than some wood bedframes.
It turns out, the beds are just made of cardboard so they can be easily recycled and, well, so cities don’t end up with a couple of thousand used beds to dispose of at the end of the two-week tournament.
As USA rugby star Ilona Maher explained, if athletes are trying to bone, “they’ll find a way.”
But while the beds made headlines last Olympics, this time around everyone is talking about the condoms. More specifically, the adorable packaging they come wrapped (mind the pun) in.
The Olympics condoms are honestly a collector’s item in and of itself. They feature the official Paris 2024 mascots — the Phyrges, as well as messages stressing the importance of consent and safe sex.
Messages include: “On the field of love, play fair. Ask for consent,” “Don’t share more than victory, protect yourself against STDs,” “Score a win: Yes to consent, no to STDs,” and “No need to be a gold medalist to wear it!”
Honestly, I think we should petition to make all condoms come with these messages.
While 230,000 condoms (200,000 male condoms, 20,000 female condoms and 10,000 oral dams, to be precise) may seem like a bit of an overreaction, the Olympics is known to be famously horny.
In 2004, an athlete allegedly had sex on a balcony, while others through the years have reportedly engaged in public sex and hot tub orgies.
According to former table tennis player Matthew Syed — who competed at Barcelona 1992, the Olympics really is the “sex-fest” we think it is.
“I am often asked if the Olympic Village – the vast restaurant and housing conglomeration that hosts the world’s top athletes for the duration of the Games – is the sex-fest it is cracked up to be,” he wrote in The Times.
“My answer is always the same: too right it is. I played my first Games in Barcelona in 1992 and got laid more often in those two and a half weeks than in the rest of my life up to that point.”
Let’s just hope that Aussie flagbearer Jess Fox doesn’t need to use one of these condoms to fix her canoe again this year.
You can keep up with the Olympics live and in HD on Channel 9 and 9Now.
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