Let the bells ring out, raise the bunting. But what else? The problem looming with coronation day, when the artist once known as Prince Charles will be crowned with pomp and ceremony, is that no one really knows what to do about it. How would they? He’s the first new British monarch in 70 years.
And so, courtesy of the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, we have a toolkit to help us celebrate the illustrious moment. There are games, coronation chicken-style recipes and a Spotify playlist featuring King by Years & Years (obvs), Boney M’s Daddy Cool and, without a whiff of woke, Grace Jones’s Slave to the Rhythm.
But it’s the people’s day, and with no guarantee that all will find the government’s kit of joy to their liking, many are already seeking alternatives. The options, I find, are endless.
1. Revive It’s a Royal Knockout
We’ve largely forgotten it now, but Prince Edward was on to something back in the 1980s when he got members of the royal family to humiliate themselves on national telly. Now they do it all the time. Back then they wore yellow tights, medieval costumes and dressed as giant vegetables. They seemed happy. Why not recreate those magically competitive, watery, custardy moments in a modern setting: Kate v Meghan, Will v Harry, Andrew v Fergie, Andrew v Emily Maitlis, Andrew v the US lawyers. Andrew working up a sweat … oh no, he doesn’t does he?
2. Play the ‘damn pen!’ game
There’s a join-the-dots game in the official toolkit. Complete the task and create your own royal carriage. But why make the art so abstract? Bring the whole thing to life by having the youngsters recreate the king’s irritation during a signing session, when he ranted volubly at the inadequacy of his leaky “damn”, “bloody thing” fountain pen. “Oh God, I hate this,” he said. The teams could re-enact the scene and chant that. Talk about happy and glorious. Protector of the faiths, priest of the petulant.
3. Adapt the playlist
Harry will be there, by all accounts, so the impassioned Release Me by the veteran crooner Engelbert Humperdinck would seem right for the Spotify playlist.
“Please release me, let me go/ For I don’t love you any more,” sang Humpty Bumpy, Lumpty Dumpy as he was known. Night after night, on TV and in Las Vegas, he wrung pathos, pain and hopelessness from his situation. Could be a song for any of them really: a follow on, perhaps, from Slave to the Rhythm.
4. No to the ‘coronation aubergine’: have a very cheeky Nando’s
It’s there in the official toolkit, but surely it’s time to move away from coronation-themed food choices. What has coronation chicken, the curried mayo has-been said to have been devised during preparations for Queen Elizabeth’s coronation banquet, ever done for us – or good taste? Go your own way: get Nando’s, the Portuguese mother clucker swiftly becoming a national heritage dish. Apparently it’s Harry’s fave. Camilla? Not so much.
5. Morris dance – to Stormzy
The royal website spiel says we are truly a nation that looks forward as well as being rooted in the past, so why not fuse the much admired/much reviled English folk tradition of morris dancing with a bit of grime. Big for Your Boots: that’s Stormzy’s grimy anthem, but it’s also the Windsors’ with bells on, as it were. Stormzy once bumped into Prince William at the gym apparently. One of them was working out: the other isn’t known for working at all.
6. Diversify the day: stream the Goodness Gracious Me sketch: Going for an ‘English’
Sanjeev Bhaskar, Meera Syal, Kulvinder Ghir and Nina Wadia played a cast of Indian characters in a sketch parodying stereotypes of white English people going out for “an Indian”. How about friends and family role-playing the Windsors going for a German. Instead of, “12 bread rolls”, “16 of your blutwurst sausages, if we may”.
7. Enjoy your protector of the faiths pop-up postcard
Since King Charles has expressed genuine interest in, and even championed, other faiths in the UK, and to mark his oath on coronation day, when he will become not just defender of the faith but also a “defender of faiths”, you could celebrate inclusion and diversity with your own interfaith pop-up. The downloadable pop-up would feature the happy, smiley faces of Sikhs, Hindus, Jews, Muslims and the like, all united under the union jack. The fun continues until a pop-up Indian says we want our Koh-i-noor diamond back. At that point, the fun is over. Cheers, namaste, salam, sat sri akal. And God save the King!
Remona Aly is a journalist and broadcaster with a focus on faith and lifestyle
