Name: The Lake District, one of Britain’s favourite and popular national parks.
Age: As old as the hills, literally. Or “the fells”, as they say in those parts.
Whoa! But why is that one moving? The mountain, it’s breathing. HELP! Not you too?
Only kidding. But that’s what this is about, isn’t it? My drugs Helvellyn? That kind of thing, but a couple of miles to the north-west of that particular mountain, in Newlands Valley near Derwentwater to be exact. But, yes, drugs.
What happened? An 11-member team from Keswick Mountain Rescue was scrambled after passing hikers observed a group of young men looking ill and struggling.
High on the mountain? On magic mushrooms. It took a couple of hours to walk – and talk – them down. A rescue team spokesman said: “[The casualties were] given advice by the team medic regarding the timing of their onward travel.”
But I thought magic mushrooms were being used to treat depression? There is some interesting research going on with psilocybin, the active ingredient, which has a similar effect to LSD. But there’s a difference between controlled clinical trials and stuffing your face full of ’shrooms for a weekend walk.
Still, these lads will have learned their lesson. It probably won’t happen again. Well, there’s actually been a fair bit of bad behaviour in the Lakes recently.
I remember, during the pandemic – but that was more about hordes and litter, wasn’t it? True. But police have also been working on breaking up organised crime gangs flooding towns in the area with drugs. Earlier this year at The Grot, a waterfall in the grounds of Rydal Hall, another beauty spot popular with Instagrammers and TikTokers, CCTV was installed.
Why? Don’t tell me – more drug-taking? You got it. “We have received complaints from Rydal Hall about people taking drugs by the waterfall,” said South Lakes Police, though they weren’t specific about the nature of the drugs being taken.
And will they tolerate this sort of behaviour? “This sort of behaviour will not be tolerated,” the statement continued.
Well, good, frankly. But what’s going on over there? And what next? Are we going to learn that Alfred Wainwright enjoyed the odd spliff? Or that Beatrix Pothead … Actually, Peter Rabbit’s creator did feed her own pet rabbit hemp, causing him to become “intoxicated and wholly unmanageable”, according to one book about her.
And Wordsworth? “I wandered lonely as a cloud/ That floats on high o’er vales and hills” The man was clearly baked. Actually unlikely - he was the least druggy of the romantic poets.
Do say: “The awesome natural beauty needs no further enhancement, just say no!’
Don’t say: “Pssst, got any ‘Kendal Mint Cake’, know what I mean?”
• This article was amended on 13 April 2023. An earlier headline said that the Lake District was the UK’s biggest beauty spot. In fact, the Cairngorms is the country’s biggest national park.
