Monday
It’s the season for self-forgiveness. At least it appears to be in the Tory party. You’d have thought that Liz Truss would have wanted to keep quiet for a while longer. If not for a lifetime. After all, being known as the shortest-serving prime minister is hardly something to boast about. But far from it, just a year after she crashed the economy with the mini-budget that cost the country £45bn and sent interest rates rising, Truss was out and about at the Institute for Government giving a speech aimed at rehabilitating her reputation. And guess what? Liz reckons she’s got absolutely nothing to apologise for.
Her plan to grow the economy with unfunded tax cuts for the most well-off would have worked a treat if only the Office for Budgetary Responsibility, the Treasury, the media and the Tory party hadn’t all been taken over by a leftwing cabal who never invited her to their dinner parties. Or something. That’s right, the Tory party who imposed austerity and have driven the economy into the ground are all secret socialists. And yes, she would do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact, she thinks she would be doing us all a favour if she were given the chance.
Joining her on the redemption trail is Theresa May, whose new book also rewrites history to her advantage. First we get to hear that when she was negotiating the Brexit deal she was always mindful of the feelings of the 48% who voted to remain. Could have fooled me. The way I remember it, she just repeated “Brexit means Brexit” and never once explicitly suggested a deal that would see the UK remaining part of the customs union and the single market.
The Maybot also tries to claim herself as an advocate for the benefits of immigration. I guess she must have missed the hostile environment advertising vans she sent round as home secretary. Then we have George Osborne’s latest spell in rehab. No longer the David Cameron’s chancellor, but the non-resigning chair of the British Museum and friendly podcast host. Austerity was all a bit of a laugh. Honestly. I think I’ll pass.
Tuesday
O me of little faith. I’d only been to one Spurs game this season before last Saturday’s home match against Sheffield United. It had been the away game at Fulham in the Carabao Cup. For reasons best known to himself, our new manager Ange Postecoglou had chosen to rest most of the first team squad who had been playing so well. Resting from what exactly, I had thought. It wasn’t as if Tottenham had qualified for any of the three European competitions and the Carabao Cup represented Spurs best chance of actually winning something this season. Something we haven’t done for 15 years. Needless to say Spurs put in a mediocre performance and were knocked out on penalties. Still only in August, we were left to concentrate on the league for the next nine months.
So fair to say I was one of the few “Ange Ball” sceptics at White Hart Lane last weekend. Especially when Sheffield went ahead with about 15 minutes to go. Up till then Spurs had dominated possession without actually creating any memorable chances. It all felt horribly reminiscent of countless games I had been to in seasons past. A team that had promised so much failing yet again to deliver. “Ange Ball” just an early season mirage that couldn’t survive contact with prolonged reality. But as the clock ticked round to 90 minutes, I realised something had changed. Normally when Spurs are in this situation you can feel the frustration and tension in the crowd. But now there was only a determined positivity. Everyone – apart from me – still had hope. And that transmitted itself to the players. Spurs went on to score twice in the 98th and 100th minutes to win the game. Back from the dead. The crowd and the players went wild. As if we’d won a trophy, not just beaten a team near the bottom of the Premier League. Almost like a communion in the power of belief. Together we had found a way to win against the odds. “Ange Ball” was a reality. At least I think so. I’ve seen so many false dawns at Spurs, I find it hard to believe. But I’m trying.
Wednesday
A few weeks ago, I wrote about our dog, Herbie, tearing his cruciate knee ligament and needing orthopaedic surgery. Many of you wrote in to me sharing your own experience of this with your dog. Unfortunately the advice was nearly split down the middle. Half went ahead with the operation and the long period of rehab and reported their dog was its own self. Though one dog found a way to tear his other ligament once the torn one was fixed.
The other half said they had chosen not to go down the surgery route and had let their dog just adapt to the condition. In a few cases the tear had appeared to heal itself while in most the mutt was perfectly happy, wandering round with a limp. All this gave me and my wife plenty to think about, so we went back to the vet for a further consultation. He said that as Herbie was 12 years old, it was likely his tear was degenerative. As such it was quite possible that his other rear leg could also go at some time.
Not wanting Herbie to end up on rear wheels like Colin from Accounts, we decided to go ahead with surgery. Only two days before his operation, we then got a phone call from the pet hospital to say the surgeon was ill and wouldn’t be able to do the op. And no, they couldn’t yet say when an alternative date could be found. That after my wife had drawn up a complicated day chart so that we could make sure Herbie had round-the-clock supervision for six weeks post-op to make sure he didn’t jump on the sofa. So, the upshot – as the rest of the year is a bit frantic – we have put off the operation till January as the vet said we’d have to be very unlucky for Herbie to do his other ligament before Xmas. Herbie, it has to be said, looks thrilled. Almost as if he knows he’s had a reprieve.
Thursday
The neediest man in Britain is back. Last year we had to endure Matt Hancock on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! where he was repeatedly picked on by viewers at home to do the bushtucker trials. Just for being Matt. He then published his Pandemic Diaries – ghostwritten after the events – which were primarily notable for him turning out to have been right about everything and slightly peeved that the country wasn’t more grateful for everything he had done. Next week Door Matt takes part in Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, in Vietnam. The one place he hasn’t turned up that often is, of course, the one place where he’s paid to be: the House of Commons.
The makers of reality TV – and the participants themselves – always like to portray their shows as some kind of emotional and spiritual journey for the contestants. As if there is a meaning to what’s going on beyond a career-in-decline narcissist trousering a wad of cash. But having watched the first episode of Celebrity SAS and not giving too many spoilers away, if Door Matt has been on a journey it’s an entirely circular one. For he appears to have learned nothing from his time on I’m a Celeb and is just as dislikeable at the start of the new show as he was on ITV. He’s arrogant, entitled and acts as if others should defer to him. No wonder he gets picked on.
He also remains under the delusion that the reason he was forced to resign as health secretary was that he just happened to fall in love. The Greatest Love Story ever. He’s still in denial about all the times he broke the rules and ended up a YouTube sensation with the CCTV groping video. When he is made to do his first trial of walking across two poles high in the air, it’s not just the viewers who want him to fail. It’s the other celebs and the SAS crew. Matt takes himself resolutely seriously: everyone else thinks he’s a joke. Anyway, if you want more of Matt – I’m not sure if that makes you a sadist or masochist – tune into Channel 4 next Tuesday. Most of you, I suspect, have already seen more than enough.
Friday
Just over two weeks after the House of Commons returned after a six-week summer recess, it has now gone into another long recess. One that effectively started on Thursday last week when all MPs were put on a one-line whip, effectively begging them to stay away. Hardly the best of looks when the government is desperate to get more people back to work and in the office. Not that the opposition parties can be blamed. It is the government that decides the length of recess. This break is nominally for the party conference season but Rishi Sunak sent everyone home at least four days before the Lib Dems begin their bash in Bournemouth this weekend.
When the prime minister took office last year he promised to govern with honesty, integrity and accountability and only this week when he was announcing plans to water down his climate commitments, he insisted he was doing a new type of politics. One based on transparency and consent. Only there are growing suspicions in the Labour party that the consent does not extend to parliamentary democracy. Even Tory MPs now think the reason for the Commons – the Lords was still sitting – going on recess so early was that Rishi Sunak was anxious to avoid another mauling at prime minister’s questions on Wednesday. Nor did he want his climate announcement scrutinised in the Commons. This isn’t the end to MPs’ holidays this year. Next month the Commons is due to go on recess yet again, before the king’s speech in early November. Labour think the thin-skinned Sunak may extend the recess to another two weeks. Nice work if you can get it.
