It’s the first ever Mexican week!
Thanks for reading and for all of your wonderful comments, as usual. See you next week.
And nobody is going home.
Could you imagine the collective meltdown if someone had been told to go home this week? Unthinkable.
Janusz got Star Baker and it has been confirmed that two bakers will have to leave in a future episode.
And now let us never speak of the smörgåstårta again.
“I think this was one of the most difficult showstoppers I’ve judged ever…” says Prue.
I think Prue could have just said “I think this was one of the most difficult showstoppers” and left it there.
So what are we thinking? Kevin, Dawn and Carole appear at the most risk of going home. That is, if anyone is going home. We’re in uncharted waters, folks!
Dawn’s bake is missing all of the key ingredients. As it was inspired by Greece, it needed coriander, sesame seeds and dried mint.
Dawn’s Chicken Souvlaki Smörgåstårta. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/R3RyupNi9B
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 27, 2022
Syabira’s bake is an absolute delight, and it received fabulous reviews. She is a clear Star Baker in my eyes.
Syabira’s Nasi Lemak Smörgåstårta. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/CPEJFSR27K
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 27, 2022
Kevin baking a fisherman out of a cucumber is honestly bonkers. It also distracts us from the haphazard look of the rest of the bake. I think he is through to next week though.
Kevin’s ‘I’ve started so I’ll fin-ish’ Smörgåstårta. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/0sE734cc74
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 27, 2022
The panda on top of James’ bake has eaten all the pizzas from earlier and is in a heavy food coma.
In sentences you only hear on Bake Off: “Can I mutilate a panda?”
James’ ‘The Most Pandastic’ Smörgåstårta. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/sN7QdNhqdz
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 27, 2022
Carole really needs to knock it out the park here if she wants to get through (that is, assuming someone leaves this week), but her bake is criticised for having no seasoning (the premonition came true!)
Carole’s ‘Something Fishy’ Smörgåstårta. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/SyzWOCbMkK
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 27, 2022
Janusz’s smörgåstårta is up first, although I think Noel just pronounced it a “smaller tortoise.” And Prue just said: “To be honest, I think the idea of fish and chips in a sandwich is disgusting,” but then he is told that it is in fact delicious. Wowsers.
Janusz’s ‘Fish and Chip Shop’ Smörgåstårta. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/Ju9zJEqfQU
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 27, 2022
Now it is time for the showstopper challenge judging!
I think Sandro’s bake might require a crane to bring it to the front. Thank god he works out.
maybe after 13 series they have just run out of bread challenges.
That has to be the weirdest Showstopper challenge of all time.
What do you reckon?
Janusz just adding different meals to each bake this week has been an absolute winner. He’s now piping his bake in a curry sauce. Why not?!
James is making “wee buns that look like pandas.” Before you ask, he has a tattoo of a panda!
burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn…
Meanwhile Maxy has realised her oven has not been preheated. Maxy. Forgetting to put your oven on properly is what you were supposed to get wrong three weeks ago!
Sandro is leaning into his with pulled beef brisket, BBQ sloppy joe AND bacon and maple syrup cream cheese. Thank god it’s bulking season.
It appears that the Smörgåstårta is literally everything in a cake and then everything on a cake. A smorgasbord of flavours.
god bless Google. All I’m saying.
Janusz has decided to use a deep fat fryer in this challenge. Usually bakers cower in fear if they have to use one. He’s doing it by choice!
Not content with putting a full English breakfast in his signature, Janusz has decided to incorporate fish and chips into his showstopper. I salute him.
Some premonitions of things to come: Carole is warned that her dough is already too dry, Kevin is using a type of flour that he only discovered two days ago and Paul innocently asks Dawn whether she is using coriander or sesame seeds, to which she responds “No.”
It appears that the only person in the tent who has managed to pronounce Smörgåstårta is Maxy. Then again, she is from Sweden.
James: “I don’t actually think these exist. I think they just made it up.” – me to the screen literally five seconds ago.
It looks like a cake, but it’s actually layers of sliced bread with savoury ingredients.
Essentially it has to look like a cake, but taste like a sandwich.
It’s the showstopper. And they have to bake a smörgåstårta.
Yes I had to copy and paste the exact spelling from Google. I don’t know where those letters are on my keyboard.
Carole appears to be the weakest of the lot, which is a shame because she is one of the show’s absolute characters. It’ll be a shame if she leaves. That is, of course, if anyone does leave the tent this week?
Then again, Noel just mentioned that someone does.
A reminder going into this week’s Showstopper.
This is the standard they have to live up to#GBBO #BakeOff pic.twitter.com/DkDvmiUSXV
— Sardaran Carol Ahmed (@SardaranCarol) September 20, 2022
And here are the rankings after the technical: 8. Carole (now officially worried for her.) 7. Kevin (underproved) 6. Dawn 5. Syabira 4. Sandro. 3. James. 2. Maxy and 1. Janusz!
Kevin looks ecstatic: “I did better than I thought. I came second last, rather than last!”
It’s the technical judging.
Janusz appears to be the clear winner here, followed by Sandro and Syabira.
“I’ve got a great view of all of them glooping together,” says Kevin as he looks at them in the oven. Bless him, he’s really not having a good day in the tent.
What would you be normally doing in the afternoon? “Napping,” responds Dawn.
Kevin’s pain aux raisins look really gloopy, as if they have been dropped in a puddle. He seems rather deflated. He’s even decided to leave the proving bag as he knows they won’t dry out anyway.
Sandro is flexing for us REPEAT Sandro is flexing for us.
“Don’t be scared of it. Treat it with absolute contempt,” says Dawn. That’s funny. Her approach to baking is exactly like how I approach dating apps.
Prue calls out this challenge for what it is: “That’s not bread.”
Paul: “Basically it is advanced dough when you think about it.”
A ranking of everyone’s horrified facial expressions after being told what this week’s technical challenge is, one being the most horrified. 8. James. 7. Dawn 6. Syabira. 5. Janusz. 4. Carole 3. Kevin (face like he stepped on a sharp kids toy) 2. Sandro (face of someone who let out a large fart in a packed lift) 1. Maxy (face of someone who just realised they have eaten someone else’s packed lunch by mistake in the communal fridge.)
Now it is time for the technical challenge … a dozen pain aux raisins!
They should have a laminated dough, and be rolled into a perfect swirl.
Paul doesn’t want them to have ‘tails.’ Honestly! So needy. He should be thankful that they are baking for him in the first place.
Carole’s ‘Pizza Exceptional’ is exceptionally full of cheese, but it tastes divine. Apparently it’s “too much of a good thing”, according to Prue, so let me reiterate: no such thing.
I bet you £500 that the moment the cameras panned away the Bake Off crew dived right in.
Dawn’s seems to be the first pizza that you could literally play a game of chess on.
And Maxy appears to be on a winning streak, taking Star Baker last week and now only receiving criticism that her base is a bit thin. Another frontrunner? Sandro, who also got great reviews this week.
Syabira’s pizza has been overwhelmed by chilli, Janusz’s pizza contains too little chilli and the amount of chilli in Kevin’s is juuuuussssst right.
Paul on Kevin’s pizza: “Your dough looks a little dead.”
Me at home: “It’s dough.”
It’s time for the signature judging. Paul and Prue are about to eat eight pizzas.
There are worse jobs out there.
I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if this happens.
Honestly, Paul and Prue have to eat all these pizzas right away or there will be hell to pay.
Maxy is talking about how her pizza has too much oil (me: no such thing), Sandro is dabbing his pizza as it has too much oil (me: no such thing) and Carole is complaining that her pizza is a “sea of cheese” (no. such. thing.)
Out of nowhere, Janusz and Matt Lucas are now talking about gay clubs in Brighton.
Matt: “Would you go out to Revenge?”
Janusz: “I prefer Legends.”
And here at home still not over RuPaul talking about how much of a fan she is of Stratford Mall *cough Westfield* during Drag Race UK last week.
Absolutely adore Prue’s face when Janusz tells her that she’s a full English breakfast, including a cracked egg.
I’m surprised there isn’t a pizza oven in the tent, considering it is usually so well equipped. And with 30 minutes left, Noel announces: “If it’s going wrong with your pizzas, you still have time to order one.”
Sandro is baking a pizza in the shape of a heart because he is Sandro, while Carole is baking what looks like an entire wheel of cheese. No complaints here.
Are we willing to accept figs on a pizza? I feel we should have a national referendum on figs.
Maxy is one step away from baking a whole roast dinner on top of a pizza, Syabira is making a Malaysian-inspired pizza with stinky beans and James steals shower caps from hotels. It’s a real range this week.
Four of the bakers have decided to knead their bread in a specific way, which might be totally wrong according to Paul, but he won’t give the game away.
Then Kevin has just come out with: “If he’s not going to tell us I’m just going to crack on, do it my way. And see what he’s got to say about it.”
Kevin should really consider becoming a therapist with such anxiety-reducing advice.
There’s a debate about pineapple on pizza, and James just decides to press on and add some to his. I’ll just say this before another baker comes up with an idea … mango does not deserve to be on a pizza.
The signature challenge is two sharing size pizzas!
Pizzas come in sharing sizes? News to me.
A saving grace with the tent being a bit emptier is that we get to see a bit more of the bakers’ personalities. Usually the first few weeks are so jam-packed with contestants you don’t really get to know much about them. And another added bonus: looks like we’ll be out the door at 9.15pm.
Rebs and Abdul are not competing this week as they are both ill. As a result, they automatically get a pass to next week.
Usually when someone is ill on Bake Off, all the bakers get an automatic pass to the next episode, resulting in a random double firing later on. This in itself can be controversial, because a double firing makes the show higher stakes when the format doesn’t really need it.
Remember our rage in 2019 when both Helena and Michelle were told to leave?
Back in the BBC days, missing a week meant that you left the show entirely! I remember this because of Baked Alaska-gate – Diana was never to be seen again.
Carole: “I’m wearing my lucky big pants now. My apple-catchers, so I’m ready for this today.” And to think we were so close to losing her last week.
And as it is Bread Week, your annual reminder that we should never forget this once happened.
Bread week tonight @BritishBakeOff. Never forget #GBBO pic.twitter.com/1ULmD38FwY
— GillianS (@GillianSkerritt) September 27, 2022
Just had a heart attack as my electronic TV guide said that it was England vs Germany on Channel 4 tonight.
And in COMMENT OF THE WEEK, this about the garibaldi biscuit signature.
Also a reminder: Kevin is Scottish.
me to me at least 162268 times a day #GBBO pic.twitter.com/IEU70PcRit
— ellyn 🍂🕷 (@ellydeangelis98) September 20, 2022
apologies x
Let’s start with a recap of last week. Maisam left the tent when we all thought that Rebs, who asked for help in both the signature and the showstopper, was going to be leaving.
In MANGO WATCH (a new feature where I count how many mangoes are used in recipes; a feature that I warn you will be around for the whole series) a mango was used in James’ macarons last week, bringing the total of mangoes to two.
He also baked a mini raccoon last week, based on one of his tattoos. I now fondly await news of whether he will be making another cute animal inspired by a tattoo.
Speaking of tattoos. Remember mates Freya and Lizzie from Bake Off last year? They said on TikTok last week that they have moved in together, a year after they got tattoos based on their time in the tent. Delightful.
Updated
Hello and welcome to the Guardian’s Bake Off liveblog. It’s Bread Week!
Yes, that’s right. It’s the episode where tradition dictates that Paul Hollywood will stick his thumb into a loaf of dough and moan something explicitly technical about yeast while giving the bakers sex eyes. And as the Signature this week involves the bakers making a pizza, expect us all to yell “That … as a topping???!!” over and over.
Remember, we all had a collective meltdown last week about chocolate being on a garibaldi. This could end up being much worse.
