So that’s it for another week on Bake Off – next week it’s VEGAN WEEK! I am keeping an open mind, even though it sounds like a joyless night out at an all-you-can-eat dust buffet.
Join me back here then, or swing by on Saturday for a spin round the Strictly dancefloor. Thanks for joining in, I’m off to find a pie. Cheers, Hx
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Star Baker this week is...BRIONY! And leaving the tent this week is...DAN!
A real shame. But he’s done himself proud, and he’ll always be Tres Butch.
Briony’s pie has put Kim-Joy in the artistic shade this week. I fully expect KJ to pull out all the stops next week.
So who is going? Will be it Dan or Manon? It should be Dan really, but I’d quite like to keep both of them.
So Briony for Star Baker then? She’s full of surprises. And Dan to go home, I think.
I’m sad about this, feel like he just had a bad weekend. But that’s the way Pastry Week rolls.
Briony’s Alice In Wonderland pie has playable croquet with tiny hedgehogs, it’s detail on Kim-Joy levels. The game filling looks like dog food, but apparently tastes nice, albeit a bit heavy on the venison. Prue washes it down with a slug of port and has never looked happier.
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Dan’s pie looks like a giant raw fish, which isn’t very appetising. The filling is great but the pastry is completely raw. Bad times.
Manon’s octopus needs longer tentacles, it looks like a jellyfish. It’s also stuck to the baking paper, needed longer in the oven, and is salty and dry. Even worse times.
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Rahul’s butterfly is exquisite, but the filling is a bit wet. Tastes good though.
This is really hard to watch when you’re as hungry as I am.
Jon’s dragon looks like a monster sausage roll, because not all dragons have wings. Flavour is good, but again a bit wet. Would still eat that.
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Showstopper judging time! Kim-Joy’s vegetarian mermaid is beautiful as expected, but the pastry is a bit thick and soggy. Flavours are great though.
Ruby’s crown looks lovely, and the filling has held together well. Prue loves the pastry too, and it tastes delicious.
Time’s up! In desperation, Dan got the silver spray paint out. What will the judges think? I’m worried for him, I’m not sure it really helps that look like something you’d want to eat.
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Ruby’s banquet centrepiece is clearly for a very small banquet. ONE MINUTE LEFT.
Dan’s pie is not cooked in any way. Colour me shocked.
Rahul’s pie is leaking, but Dan’s pie still isn’t in the oven with 30 minutes to go. I have a very bad feeling about this, it doesn’t seem to have much by way of decoration. Manon is worried that Poppy The Octopus might be a bit simple too.
If you were doing this challenge, wouldn’t you just chuck the whole farm at it? Now is not the time for subtlety.
Dan’s pie is still not in the oven, and there is only 45 minutes left. He’s completely lost the plot this weekend, poor chap. Can somebody give him a hug?
Briony forgot to put a steam hole in her pie. Wasn’t that where Alice’s legs were going? Without that bit of detail, it’s just a pie hat.
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Manon is making Poppy The Octopus, full of fish. When did we start giving pies human names? I am not here for pie anthropomorphism.
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Dan is at a loose end while he waits for his pastry. This is never a good sign, is it?
Lots of the bakers have added rice to soak up some of the moisture. Rahul’s pie will be a butterfly, so he’s making tentacles. I think he means antennae, but let’s go with it. An Octo-butterfly.
Ruby is making a pie crown. If I was queen, I’d want a pie crown. You could snap bits off during the boring bits of the coronation.
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Dan is making a pie that’s shaped like a fish, while Kim-Joy is making Silke The Vegetarian Mermaid. What do you eat as vegetarian mermaid? Just seaweed? You can’t even eat plankton, it feels very restrictive, diet-wise.
Jon is making a Welsh dragon pie, full of beef. Why not lamb, Jon? Call yourself a Welshman? He has stirring gadgets (DRINK).
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So the judges are looking for something that isn’t too dry, and doesn’t seep liquid. Mmm, yummy.
Briony is telling the entire story of Alice in Wonderland in the shape of a pie hat. Most bakers are making a hot water crust pastry, but Dan, Jon and Kim-Joy are making full puff pastry. Why would you do that? It takes AGES.
Time for this week’s Showstopper! It’s a hand-shaped banquet pie, beautifully decorated and fit for a banquet.
Do people actually have banquets any more? Or has it been replaced by the tiny food tasting menu? I miss massive centrepiece food.
Manon’s wells of love are a bit dark, but Jon’s are more classic and have good compote and choux. Kim-Joy’s are flat, and Ruby’s have been cremated. Rahul’s are a bit dark too, but delicious. Dan’s creme pat is split and his well has no sides, so technically Not A Well. Briony’s are a winner.
Ruby comes last, followed by Dan. Jon comes second, which means Briony gets first place! Lovely job Briony.
5 minutes left! strawberry compote, then custard, then sugar, then a bit of blowtorching. Time’s up!
All pastry is in the oven. Right now they look like bagels, but I’d eat them anyway. Dan’s choux hasn’t risen properly, and Ruby’s are all burned. Poor Dan looks gutted, there is nothing erotic about his wells of love.
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So mostly this seems to be puff pastry, choux pastry, jam and creme pat, which are four of my favourite things. Dan’s choux is not looking great, he’s not having the best weekend right now. Ruby hasn’t read the recipe properly, and has piped too many circles. READ, RUBES.
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Manon is planning to stay in the UK forever, but only if she can find an English husband. Can we make Manon the poster girl for Remain? This is the price we pay for losing freedom of movement. Fewer Manons.
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Time for the Technical challenge! This week they need to make six Puits D’Amour, which means ‘well of love’. Even Manon doesn’t have a clue.
Apparently the well of love was seen as erotic, because the pastry looks like ladyparts full of custard. It’s definitely a storage option, but I can’t help thinking your custard would be better off in the fridge.
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Jon’s samosas are a bit soggy, but the flavours are delicious. Briony’s look stunning too, but the sweet ones are a bit gluey. Kim-Joy’s samosas have Pythagoras’ theorem piped on them (presumably because triangles, I love a bit of nerdy baking), and the flavours are great too.
Dan’s samosas are like leather, but the fillings are lovely. Rahul’s samosas have a lovely pattern, and stunning flavours too. Rahul still looks like he’d quite like to cry, but he gets a handshake and there is a ghost of a smile. HOW DO WE MAKE RAHUL HAPPY?
Manon’s pastry is a bit thick and a bit heavy on the spuds. The sweet samosas are dry. “These are disappointing,” says Prue. Sauvage.
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Judging time! Ruby’s samosas look beautiful, and Paul loves the pastry. They’re quite spicy, and Paul declares them ‘a juggernaut of flavour’. She gets a handshake. Has anyone NOT touched Paul’s hands? I feel like his DNA is on half the population.
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Frying time! They have to deep fry and make dip at the same time, which feels like a health and safety disaster waiting to happen. With ten minutes to go, Dan has still got pastry issues and hasn’t even started cooking them yet. His face is “I’m so over this challenge.”
“Oh god I need to make a ganache,” says Dan, with 60 seconds to go. Good work.
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Dan is starting his pastry over again, while everyone else is busy with fillings. Kim-Joy’s samosas are still in Spice Week. It’s a Star Baker formula.
Half an hour to go, and Dan is still rolling out pastry. DOOM.
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Manon (hair still pink) is going for chicken and lemon samosas and apple and caramel for her sweet option. I like the sound of these.
Everyone is rolling out their samosa pastry to wafer thin, apart from Dan who is using a pasta maker. I like his style, and his Christmas-flavoured samosas.
His dough is tearing, and the machine has overworked it. Never use the machine, Dan. Remember when Nancy microwaved her bread in S5? Hang on, she won. Bad example.
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Rahul is making his mum’s savoury samosas, and Paul is already stressing him out about what his mum is going to think of them. Poor Rahul, he’s a man on the edge.
Briony is going for beetroot savoury samosas, and peanut butter sweet ones. She’s got a blue plaster! DRINK.
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Samosa pastry is difficult to perfect, we learn. Already I’m done with this challenge, who can be arsed?
Jon’s samosas include chicken and pesto for the savoury, and orange and vanilla for the sweet. Meanwhile Ruby’s savoury samosas are the traditional flavours, with almond and orange in the sweet version. 100% would eat.
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BAKE OFF FASHION WATCH:
- Noel: Eagle pyjamas
- Sandi: Rabbit pyjamas
- Prue: Scarlet cock rings
- Paul: Beige
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Tonight’s Signature Challenge is savoury and sweet samosas – 6 of each, with an accompanying dip. Not sure about the idea of a sweet samosa, it feels all wrong, like a chip shop novelty you might eat at 3am.
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Jon thinks pastry is possessed by the devil, he’s clearly had a bad experience with a Shortcrust Satan at some point. Loving Dan’s ‘Tres Butch’ t-shirt.
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And we’re off! Previously on Bake Off: bakers of the world, spice up your life. Karen and Terry both failed to deliver the goods across all three Spice challenges, and were the inevitable choice in a double firing. Kim-Joy won her first Star Baker for being the perfect blend of sugar, spice and all things nice.
This week: PASTRY.
This week’s Bake Off Bingo – a mini pork pie for any occurrence of the following:
- Soggy bottoms
- Tart-related innuendo
- Home made moulds and cutters
- Weird flours
- Blue plasters
Also while we’re waiting, Tamal has been making yummy things again. What’s not to love about panna cotta?
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Just for context, because I know how much you like to imagine me in my velvet liveblog throne, being fed champagne and choux buns by my team of glamorous assistants, I’m currently liveblogging from a Premier Inn in London.
I’m working here for the next few days (in London, not in a Premier Inn), but a late running meeting means I haven’t had time to get any booze or snacks in, nor have I had dinner. I also don’t have my trusty sidekick/boyfriend to keep track of what everyone is baking. Apologies in advance for hangry liveblogging.
Welcome!
Evening all, and welcome to this week’s Great British Bake Off Liveblog! After last week’s foray into ginger cakes, Arabian pastries and spiced biscuit chandeliers (still not a thing), it’s time to dust down the worktop for a bit of pastry.
We’re past the half way mark now, and Kim-Joy and Rahul appear to be pulling ahead on the attention to detail, with Ruby, Manon, Jon and Dan snapping at their heels. Based on performance to date, this week should see the end of Briony’s Bake Off journey, but anything could happen over three challenges in a hot tent, and pastry has been many a baker’s downfall.
As usual I’ll be shaping some shortcrust into interesting shapes up here, while you are encouraged to knock out a bit of rough puff down below. The action kicks off at 8, so pop the oven on and start bashing your butter. See you then!
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