The Ferguson Report: Reserve Bank claims banking is ‘perfectly normal, everybody does it’

Tim Ferguson writes that people can now afford a house, but not food, water or electricity. Photo: TND

After the sixth rate rise in as many meetings, a reserved banker said, “We have to stop meetings like this.

“We congratulate all Australians who followed our advice and saved money during COVID. Now, please blow it on your mortgage.”

Reserve Bank Governor Philip Lowe’s salary is $911,728. But don’t worry. He’ll be OK.

Some blame Australia’s unpredictable job market. The solution? Fewer unpredictable jobs.

You Musk be joking 

Celebrity squillionaire Elon Musk has urged Ukraine to give up land claimed by Russia.

This surrender will be a negotiated peace without the negotiation but, for many Ukrainians, eternal peace.

Such comments are normally reserved for speeches by coked-up Logie winners and that guy chasing squirrels in the park.

Putin was delighted by Musk’s support and has offered Musk, “many monkeys for his rocket ships.”

Musk said surrender will avoid a lengthy war. Putin did not promise a lengthy peace.

Man who lost AFL job over church’s anti-LGBT+ beliefs slams intolerance

Andrew Thorburn is the chairman of a church that states gay sex is a “sin”.

Oddly, he tried being the CEO of an organisation that worships men in sleeveless jerseys and tight shorts who grapple each other and engage in “melees”.

Had Thorburn been an everyday member of the City on the Hill Church, he would still be Essendon chief executive. Photo: AAP/TND

A heterosexual Melbourne man (which is as hetero as it gets) said, “I’m not same-sex attracted, but when they call it ‘sinful’, it sounds irresistible!”

Oddly, Almighty God doesn’t seem to factor a team’s inclusivity policy into His decision on whether it wins matches or not.

Krypto Kardashian

Kim Kardashian has agreed to pay a fine after being accused of a misleading Instagram post promoting kryptokurrency.

Kim puts the oversight down to a bad case of influenca.

House prices disastrously dropping to affordable

People can now afford a house, but not food, furniture, water or electricity.

Wealthy people are selling up. They can’t bear the embarrassment of living in cheap accommodation.

Monarchy see, monarchy do

Britain’s new monarch, Charles III, has been waiting longer than a Qantas customer.

But he will not deliver a speech at the COP26 climate conference – because the end of the world as we know it is “too political”.

The King can’t be too political. Photo: AAP

Prince Charles defended his actions declaring, “As far as climate is concerned, ‘mum’s the word’ and Mum never said a word.”

Heavy lies the head that wears his mother’s hat.

In other news …

“IRAN’S MORALITY POLICE” EASIER TO SAY THAN “DICKLESS, SADISTIC MURDERERS”

100 ABC JOURNOS STAYING IN LONDON AFTER QUEEN’S FUNERAL TO AWAIT CHARLES’ FUNERAL

CASINO MYSTIFIED AT BEING FOUND FIT TO HOLD LICENCE

VEGETARIAN POET DECLARED MAN OF LETTUCE

NBN DUMPS FIBRE-TO-THE-NODE, LAUNCHES STRING-TO-THE-MILO-TIN