The easiest 3-ingredient lime ice cream

I highly recommend owning a Vitamix, which sounds like an asshole thing to say because they can run you around $500 bucks. For those who don't know, Vitamix is like the Rolls Royce of blenders: they’ve got super strong blades that can blend anything, even your forearm — so be careful — and they never (or at least rarely) break. I'm kind of a clumsy guy, and I've dropped mine a few times, but it still works like a charm.

Full transparency: I did not buy my Vitamix from their website or a fancy department store. I actually got it from a guy named Trash Boy. We called him Trash Boy because that is precisely what he smelled like back when we played Little League. The dude smelled so bad that the first word in your mind when he came around was "Stink,” but we couldn't call him Stink because there were three other kids that already had that nickname in our neighborhood. Strangely, those guys didn't stink, and I felt like Trash Boy earned the name way more than they did, but that's what happens when you're young. You miss out on things like appropriate nicknames.

"Yo, I got something for you," Trash Boy said on a call, "Something nice and fancy that I know you gonna love."

I had no idea what he was talking about and was honestly a little offended that he thought I was the person to call when he had something nice and fancy. I didn't consider myself a fancy guy, especially then. I only wore sneakers, didn't own a suit and wasn't employed. I was working like ten odd jobs just to have enough to pay one set of bills. This guy has lost his mind, I thought.

But still, I agreed to meet.

I pulled up on Trash Boy, who has a reputation for selling items that fell off the back of a truck. I don't know where all of these trucks rolling around with broken doors were, but Trash Boy does, or at least he did before he was arrested for selling a fake Chanel bag — for an actual Chanel price — to the wrong lady.

I didn't really buy stolen items, but that had nothing to do with morals, I wasn't buying anything because I was broke. That fact didn’t stop me from wanting to see what Trash Boy had special for me. I waited by my car, as he dipped into an alley and came out with a huge, beautiful box. Is that a…?

"Bro, this a $5000 food processing blender," Trash Boy said, "For you, $100."

"That's a Vitamix!" I said, "They don't cost $5000, but let me give you this $100 before you change your mind! Got damn, Trash, you are right, I am fancy!"

That was the story behind my very first Vitamix. I've since bought three different kinds of Vitamixes, all at discounted prices. With those magical machines, I've made salsa, smoothies, sauces, baby food, and the most delicious ice cream, a quick recipe I'm excited about sharing with you.