Jamie Mcsporran watched on helplessly as his brother Lee lay unconscious in a hospital bed, tubes and wires hooked up to every part of his body.
Life was normal up until the summer of 2014. Lee had been happy and healthy before being struck down by five strokes, leaving him permanently paralysed and brain damaged.
Doctors didn’t think he would make it and his family were told to say their goodbyes. Despite dying twice, Lee survived the ordeal but is now severely disabled. Tragically, he can no longer speak.
Join our WhatsApp Top Stories and Breaking News group by clicking this link
Lee wasn’t the only person who changed that day. Jamie says a part of him died on that June afternoon. The trauma of what happened to his brother led to a mental illness that would push him to the brink of suicide.
“The doctors said it was going to be his last 24 hours and that’s when my head fell off,” Jamie, 42, told the Manchester Evening News.
“My partner at the time said I made this scream, a scream she’d never heard in her life. It wasn’t even me who was poorly but they had to monitor me in hospital.
“I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn't feel anything – and that’s how it’s been ever since.”
To numb the pain of losing his beloved brother as he knew him, dad-of-three Jamie turned to cocaine. Before long, he was suffering severe mood swings, ones that would see him fluctuate between happiness and what felt like the end of the world.
“[The strokes] made him paralysed and he can’t speak, it damaged his brain,” he explained. “I just turned to cocaine. I had no other option. I couldn’t supress what was happening and it overwhelmed me.
“From then on, I just started taking drugs drown it all out. That’s when I think something clicked; something snapped inside me.
“One minute I’m happy, the next I’m at the lowest. Like today, it’s a beautiful day, but I feel like it’s the end of the world. I feel like my whole world is crumbling around me.
“My brother was a straight-and-narrow person. I was involved in gangs and I used to beat myself up and think it should have happened to me and not him. That I don’t deserve to be happy and I don’t deserve to smile.”
Former bin man Jamie decided to visit doctors in a bid to find out what was going on inside his head. There, he was diagnosed with depression and given antidepressants as treatment.
Three years later, when his symptoms still hadn’t improved, Jamie returned to his GP and discovered he actually had borderline personality disorder, known as BPD.
BPD is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others, according to the NHS. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder.
In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.
The symptoms of BPD include emotional instability, disturbed patterns of thinking or perception, impulsive behaviour and intense but unstable relationships with others.
The causes of BPD are unclear, usually appearing to result from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Most will have experienced some kind of trauma or neglect as children.
“That’s when the suicidal thoughts started to come in,” Jamie added. “I started to think that I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t have the strength to get through; I felt so inadequate and unworthy.
“In the past six months I tried to kill myself three times. The last time, I could feel myself going. I was smiling. But I’m here for a reason because I didn’t [die].”
Jamie was eventually able to get to the correct specialists and he now receives treatment including therapy.
Sadly, his condition continues to hugely impact his life and he’s now set about to raise awareness of the illness.
“I went to see a few specialists and got diagnosed with bipolar and got the right medication and then my demeanour started changing more,” Jamie added.
“I had a brilliant job. I was working as a bin man and because of my moods, I’d wake up in the morning and smash it out, feeling great.
“The next morning, I wouldn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to see anyone and I would just switch my phone off and stay in bed. Before long, my bosses knew and they needed someone who was going to turn up for work.
“I would go from thinking the world was my oyster then in an instant something would go wrong and it would ruin my whole day. I would be down for weeks; I can’t control it.”
Jamie has just finished a mammoth task to help raise awareness for his mental health condition.
He recently completed a huge 274-mile trek from Stockport to Scotland in the hopes of raising much-needed funds for charities that have helped him personally in the past.
“I have lost everything through my illness and can't imagine living the rest of my life alone with an illness,” he added.
“I’m only just coming to terms with everything since receiving my diagnosis. This walk is one I feel I needed to do not only for myself, to heal, but to help break down barriers and open up and to show that through the toughest of times and circumstances there is hope.”
To donate, follow the link by clicking here.
READ MORE:
- 'Doctors told me I was fine - then a mole turned my life upside down'
- Family given devastating diagnosis after noticing something on baby's eye
- 'Why my champagne lifestyle just made me hate myself'
- 'I became a recluse after I was left with painful red sores all over my face'
- Mum who gave birth on holiday in Greece may have to stay there for six months
