Name: Croissant.
Age: Well, either 185 years old or 186. Or about 800. It depends.
On what? Whether they’re French …
They are, everyone knows that. Or Austrian.
What? I’m not having that. The crescent-shaped Austrian pastry, the kipferl, has been around since at least the 13th century. In 1838 or 1839, an Austrian artillery officer, August Zang, opened a bakery in Paris. Et voilà, le croissant.
Appearance: Flaky. Crescent shaped. That’s what croissant means.
And how is croissant pronounced? That also depends.
On what? On whether you’re French, pretending to be French, being pretentious or not even bothering. The Oxford English Dictionary gives the phonetic ˈkwasɒ̃ (if you’re au fait with the phonetic alphabet). Many settle for more of a ˈkrɔɪsənt. Americans tend to put the stress on the second syllable, weirdly. None of that is the point, though.
What is the point? Right now they are hot.
Yum, I’ll have a café au lait with that then. No, hot as in à la mode, en vogue, chic …
Yeah OK, who’s being pretentious now then? Moi? Anyway, the croissant is everywhere. Lidl is opening a pop-up patisserie in Soho to celebrate its latest viral sensation, a croissant handbag.
What’s that? A premium leather bag with a purse shaped like a croissant set into the front. It costs £50 and has been making noise on Instagram Reels and TikTok. Rizzle Kicks’ Jordan Stephens is involved in the campaign.
It’s going to take more than one (German) supermarket to convince me it’s a thing. What about Tom Daley, poolside at the Olympics, crocheting a cute croissant crochet bag, then releasing the pattern for £1.99 so you can make one, too.
Maybe I will. If that’s too much effort, how about a croissant lamp from the Chinese online marketplace Temu? Though one TikToker was surprised to find her lamp wasn’t just inspired by but contained an actual pastry croissant. The ants gave it away.
Ew. Or another viral food trend doing the rounds, making rice paper croissants. I’m not sure a French person – or Herr Zang – would be impressed.
OK, got it, the croissant is having a moment. As well as trying to kill you.
What? Seriously? How? A recent Oxford University study found that eating a buttery pastry every day can increase the risk of serious heart problems.
Why are the good things also the bad ones? C’est la vie, as they say, in some places. Like TikTok and Lidl.
Do say: “Just fruit please, I’m going to crochet the croissant.”
Don’t say: “Encore du beurre!”
