For many couples, money isn’t just about numbers — it’s about power, security, personal identity. And for some, it's about secrets.
A new survey from Bankrate.com found that 40% of adults in the U.S. with a live-in partner are committing or have committed financial infidelity. Younger generations were more likely to keep money secrets: 67% of Gen Zers said they have confessed at least one instance of financial infidelity, followed by millennials, at 54%.
What sort of things are they hiding? Thirty-three percent are spending more than their spouse or partner would be cool with, and 23% have racked up debt that their partner has no knowledge of. Others keep secret credit or savings accounts.
Keeping secrets is not necessarily financial infidelity, says Avigail Lev, founder and director at Bay Area CBT Center. “Choosing to be private about where and how you spend your money is just privacy," she said.
But "having agreements with your partner about how you use money and hiding that — hiding it on purpose, lying or deceiving, that’s financial infidelity,” she added.
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce, yet often couples still struggle to communicate openly about finances. “Many couples never unpack their financial history and beliefs, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. Without open dialogue, secrets fester and financial infidelity can erode trust — just like emotional or physical infidelity,” said Melissa Murphy Pavone, a certified financial planner and founder of Mindful Divorce Partners.
With so much at stake, money shouldn’t be a taboo topic. So why can’t people be straight with each other about money? How can couples keep money from ruining their relationship, and how can they move forward when one breaks the trust?
Why financial infidelity happens
Why would someone who loves you deeply be dishonest about money? The survey respondents said they mainly wanted financial privacy or control of their own finances. Some didn't want to share money, and others said they were embarrassed of their money management.
“People can’t be truthful with money because honesty exposes them to vulnerabilities,” said Kevin Shahnazari, CEO of FinlyWealth.
“Sometimes it’s about guilt or fear — worrying that their partner won’t approve of a certain purchase, or that an old financial mistake might scare them off," said Emily Luk, a certified financial planner and co-founder of Plenty, a money management tool for couples. "Other times, it’s a way to avoid conflict or keep the peace. If one partner is anxious about being judged for a shopping habit, for example, they might think it’s easier to conceal credit card statements than to have a tough conversation."
There can be differences in couples' money personalities and values: One is a spender, the other a saver. But money can also take the form of power, control, safety, past financial trauma or even a mental health issue, substance use or gambling disorder, said Joy Slabaugh, a certified financial planner and therapist specializing in financial therapy, and founder of the Financial Conflict Resolution Institute.
Her clients are full of stories. “One partner bought a bunch of clothes but hid the evidence because the couple had agreed to do a ‘no buy’ month, another partner financially supported an ex-partner without disclosing it, one person told their partner the first-class upgrade was paid for with miles when it was actually purchased outright.”
How to keep money problems at bay
Communication is key in a relationship and especially when it comes to finances. Lisa Atkinson, a financial adviser with Tucson Federal Credit Union, says couples should embrace transparency. “Schedule regular money discussions in a judgment-free, calm setting. Or schedule an initial meeting with a financial adviser.”
Creating a no-blame environment makes it easier to tackle issues. “Approach financial talks with empathy, rather than accusations, to encourage honesty.”
Develop a joint financial plan. “Establish shared goals and budgets that both partners contribute to and review together. It’s important for both parties to feel comfortable,” she says.
Teamwork makes the dream work. Using financial tools together — budgeting apps, shared spread sheets and joint accounts — can help promote transparency.
You’ve discovered financial infidelity, now what?
When trust is betrayed, there are bruises. In the Bankrate survey, 38% of adults said they believe that keeping financial secrets from a partner is as bad as physically cheating, and 7% say it’s worse.
But there is a path to rebuilding trust, says Pavone. “Overcoming financial infidelity requires openness, patience and maybe even professional guidance.”
Getting on the same page is critical to a couple’s financial success. “The sooner couples face financial fears together, the stronger their relationship will be,” Pavone said.
