This should, in a normal year, be a list of Christmassy films. Not in the strange year that has been 2024. So prepare for Robbie Williams as a chimp (or vice versa) and a heroin-addicted former 007 as your festive cinema treats.
Film of the month: Queer
Forget the throuple-lite titillations of Challengers – Luca Guadagnino is back with a palpitatingly saucy adaptation of William Burroughs’ semi-autobiographical novel. And post-Bond, Daniel Craig shimmies deliciously into Burroughs’ twisted shoes.
It's 1950s Mexico City, the backstreets are groaning moodily in moreish Technicolor and Craig’s Lee (Burroughs) is prowling the gay scene to the sound of Nirvana’s Come as You Are. It’s as coolly cinematic as you could wish, Craig teetering elegantly along in a white linen suit, doffing his Panama hat this way and that. Then, across a feather-strewn cock fight (innuendo presumably intended), he locks eyes with the much younger, totally desirable Eugene (Drew Starkey).
What follows is a seedy seduction of Eugene, although mesmerisingly horny too. It’s an uneven liaison; Eugene emotionally aloof, Lee desperate for more than just physical possession. And then, being based on Burroughs, the pair head to the South American jungle in search of psychedelic enlightenment. An odd leap, but it injects some fish out of water humour and even more gorgeous, trippy visuals.
Talking of injections, Burroughs is possibly the most famous heroin addict of them all. In terms of lionised deviancy, he’s up there with the Marquis de Sade and Caligula, so some might be disappointed by the lack of proper junkie filth here. Fair enough, but this – and especially Craig, nudging for an Oscars nod – is a sumptuous, sleazy hoot.
In cinemas December 13
The movies you should see this month
Never Look Away
Here’s two names not to mess with: Lucy Lawless and Margaret Moth. You might know Lawless better as the all-slaying star of Xena: Warrior Princess, but now she’s made her debut behind the lens with this cracking documentary about fellow New Zealander and war photographer Moth, one of the most fearless, rock’n’roll humans to ever walk this earth.
An adrenaline junkie, but also compassionate for her subjects in the extreme, after getting her face literally blown off in Sarajevo, Moth returned to stand on the roofs of buildings and face the incoming bombs with her camera while her colleagues cowered in basements. And that’s just the start of this extraordinary woman…
December 2
Rumours
Cate Blanchett’s German chancellor, Denis Ménochet as the French leader and Charles Dance’s US president (sporting full English accent) are the impressive heavyweights in a G7 summit, Guy Maddin-style (read: wilfully weird). All these leaders need to accomplish is a simple “opening statement”; but thwarting them is an army of zombie bogmen and a gigantic disembodied brain.
It never bites like the political parody of Armando Iannucci (the herculean trouble they have penning that statement is the extent of the satire here) or heads into the properly dark territory of David Lynch, instead playing it for lolz. Luckily, those laughs are regularly very funny.
December 6
Grand Theft Hamlet
You think Coppola had trouble making Apocalypse Now? Pah! Walk in the park. On this production of Hamlet, an alien had to patrol the skies in a gunship to fend off armed attackers. Not literally, of course. It’s 2021, the world is in lockdown, and out-of-work actors Sam Crane and Mark Oosterveen are filling their days by playing Grand Theft Auto.
On one jaunt, they discover an open-air theatre. Jokingly, one of them suggests staging Hamlet there: “It’s Covid, this is outdoors, perfect!” This is the totally hilarious and surprisingly moving account – filmed entirely within the game – of their chaotic, body-strewn mission.
December 6
How To Make Millions Before Grandma Dies
In director Pat Boonnitipat’s Thailand, sucking up to a dying relative to inherit their fortune is an almost agreeable endeavour. Amah (Usha Seamkhum) has terminal cancer. Her lazy grandson M (Putthipong Assaratanakul) has zero interest in her wellbeing until he visits a cousin caring for a relative on his deathbed. She’s reached the top of the inheritance “rankings”, she tells M, because she’s prepared to change the old man’s nappies.
Hence, M moves in with Amah to “care” for her. Seamkhum is massively endearing as sweet, irascible Amah, who knows exactly what M’s game is. Heartwarming, moving and hilarious, no wonder it’s Thailand’s official Oscars entry this year.
December 26
Better Man
A biopic of Robbie Williams in which the singer voices a CGI chimpanzee playing himself sounds… well, bonkers, ridiculous and, you might imagine, a bit crap. Turns out, it’s a stroke of genius and a total riot.
As a cheeky chimp, Williams is endearingly aborbs, even in the full depths of self-destructive narcissism. And with a couple of genuinely jaw-dropping (your mouth will be left hanging open) song-and-dance set pieces, it’s the perfect (grown-up) Boxing Day blast.
December 26
Also out this month
Kerry Washington leads The Six Triple Eight (December 6), the story of the only female unit of colour to serve overseas in the US army in the Second World War. They delivered post, but that doesn’t make this any less stirring.
If all you want for Christmas is skulls being smashed, fantastical beasts and a superhero vs father grudge match, look no further than Kraven the Hunter (December 13). Aaron Taylor-Johnson (son) and Russell Crowe (dad) do the honours.
For people who never tire of never-ending Middle Earth stories, or fans of Japanese wonder-animator Kenji Kamiyama, say hello to The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim (December 13). Others may well be rather tired of this franchise by now.
The photorealist animation in Mufasa: The Lion King (December 20) looks a bit weird, if you ask me, but this prequel and sequel will surely dominate festive outings with the under-10s.
Enjoy. Happy Christmas and New Year!
