Ah Glastonbury. The only place where it's deemed normal for a dairy farm to transform into a five-day party, Glastonbury Festival has returned.
This week, after a long-anticipated three-year delay due to the coronavirus outbreak, the UK’s most famous festival will be opening its gates to 200,000 music fans.
From rock legends such as Paul McCartney and Robert Plant to the brightest stars of today such as Megan Thee Stallion and Billie Eilish, many attendees are eagerly waiting to watch some of the world’s greatest acts descend onto the Somerset countryside.
READ MORE: All the details you need on Billie Eilish's Glastonbury set
In honour of Glasto coming back in full force, and marking its 50th year since its debut in 1970, we have rounded up a list of the cheekiest reviews of the acclaimed fest online.
Despite enjoying rave reviews on sites such as TripAdvisor and Yelp, even Glastonbury has still managed to undergo the wrath of an online critic.
Needless to say, below is a list of some of the reviews Bristol Live has unearthed over the years that might prompt a chuckle or two.
“Too many people here already stay away”
One TripAdvisor user in 2019 wrote a passionate review urging folks, to put it bluntly, to stay the heck away from going to the festival. Describing the changes in Glasto over the decades as having “too many normal type people”, the review had plenty to say, as they wrote:
“Brilliant festival but not as good as it used to be. Too many normal type people, too many cops, too much phone coverage, too many glow sticks and novelty hats. still much better than the other big festival republic events. Toilets are good. It runs 24hr for 5 days and you're allowed to light fires and cook your own food, drink your own booze etc. stay away from the piano bar. It's over rated.”
People on “wacky backy”
An unsatisfied attendee in 2018 wrote a lengthy paragraph on TripAdvisor describing how much they “absolutely hated it” from folks consuming a substance that is only referred to as “wacky backy”- and we’re guessing it’s not water- to their “disgusting” experience hearing “long drops” when visiting sanitary facilities.
They wrote: “First of all I’m not much of a people person. The sheer amount of people out of their minds on “wacky backy” was very scary and they kept on being nice to me and talking to me, which I found off putting. I wish the festival was much smaller, maybe a few thousand, that would be big enough.
“Second, I don’t really like music. There are other things in life more fulfilling, like a good newspaper under a tree or a book in bed. All the thumping and wailing by a bunch of people I’ve never heard of was excessive in my opinion. Third, all that mud. Considering the festival claims to have been going for nearly 50 years you’d have thought they’d put some tarmac down, or some nice paving.
“All those fields are very challenging on the ankles and given the price of the tickets I expected a smoother surface to roller skate on. I’m an avid skater and this was a huge disappointment to me.
He continued: “Fourth, the toilets and sanitary facilities. What can I say? Absolutely shocking. I have a nervous bowel and consequently can spend up to an hour performing my daily routines. The queues were awful and the so-called “long drops” were disgusting and the smell made me heave. There was nothing by way of privacy and people were banging on the door, repeatedly asking if I was alright.
“I returned to work at the accountancy firm the following day, where my attention was drawn to the remnants of face paint behind my ears and glitter in my hair, which was extremely embarrassing. I don’t think I shall return.”
“Proper big farts as well. This should not be allowed.”
With the TripAdvisor review titled, ‘My festival review by Sam Illidge’, it seemed that Mr. Illidge had plenty to divulge.
Rating his experience a “7 out of 10”, he described his experience as “ok” despite having a few issues with other festival goers’ cleanliness, and we must admit, it is pretty shocking.
He wrote: “There's a few problems that could easily be addressed. 1. On arrival there is a big queue of people. I don't see why I had to queue up with them as it seemed a fair waste of my time 2. Too many tents . 3. This quite fit bird in the tent next to me had a poo in a bag in her tent .. I mean like a man poo…”
He continued: “I'm laying there in my tent sleeping not more than 4ft away and let me tell you... it stank! Proper big farts as well. This should not be allowed.
“4. The tap water in the camp was cold. I know a fair bit about hygiene and I can tell you this .. 20c minimum for washing your hands. The rest was ok . Just the 4 above that I have issues with really.”
“Glaston'buried in Poo”
Another poo-related review, which we tremendously apologise for.
Nonetheless, one former attendee in 2017 wrote of their experience on TripAdvisor as “Glaston'buried in Poo” where this user stated: “Apart from the overwhelming smell of that brown sticky icky... this place is amazing.
“Best festival I've ever been to, ran well & lots of choices for food. Music is great and after parties that never end, the dream!”
Who says that a little stink would ever stop anyone from living their best lives at Glastonbury?
“Please please please pipe down at 11pm”
For one Glastonbury resident, he clearly had no plans to celebrate all night like the rest. Pleading to attendees in 2016 to keep the noise down instead, he wrote on TripAdvisor:
“I live very close to the festival location, so I didn't camp on site but I could still hear the music past 11pm, which was a huge shame.
“I got a tad annoyed by the noise of visitors as well, as there were a lot of youngsters that wouldn't go to bed! Please please please pipe down at 11pm, so that we can get some sleep! Other than that, it was an enjoyable day with the kids.”
“It rained twice for which I blame UKIP Tories and the organisers”
Written post-Brexit referendum, this TripAdvisor user wrote of their “muddy” adventure at Glastonbury Festival, where they blamed Brexit for “nobody cleaning up all weekend” and even the weather.
They ranted: “It rained twice for which I blame UKIP Tories and the organisers equally. I tried to complain about the weather, but nobody would listen. And the noise went on till way after 11 every night.
In all seriousness why do they keep running out of tasty beer at the festival i.e. Three Hop and Proper Job in favour of the megatons of boring brown stuff they must have left over. Partly tongue in cheek obviously :)”
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