‘When things go wrong, it is now possible for the first time in history for the women in a marriage to say, “I’m off,”’ wrote the Observer in 1976. Since the 1969 Divorce Reform Act, divorces were rocketing – 120,000 petitions a year – but was it inevitably an ‘emotional disaster’ or the ‘unacceptable face of individualism?’ And above all: ‘What about the children?’
Individual stories gave a more reassuring, recognisable picture. Peter, 40, had ‘achieved an amicable divorce’ with ex-wife Elizabeth, including alternate-week custody of their son, Tony. Both had remarried (Elizabeth to Peter’s best friend Jonathan) and all four met up regularly to discuss Tony’s welfare. Tony, Peter said, ‘felt the draught during the worst months’, but was now thriving. It had been painful, unsurprisingly, but eventually Elizabeth said: ‘We were able to stand back and think, “How can we be sensible?”’
28-year-old Tricia Coleman’s ‘wrong from the start’ marriage collapsed in a perfect storm of debt, infidelity and domestic violence; alone with two children, it took three years for her to feel ‘more like my old self again’. She was taking a playgroup leader course where her daughter could accompany her and unsure she’d marry again: ‘After being your own boss, it’s hard to go back to the “little wife” bit.’
The main article describes the ‘torture inflicted on divorced fathers’ who rarely or never saw their children, but 29-year-old Paul Benson was a sole carer for his daughter, Sarah. His ex-wife had moved out of their home to share with two other separated girlfriends; Paul stayed. He could manage cooking and ‘most jobs around the house’ and Gingerbread, a sole-parent support group, made his working life possible: Sarah stayed at their after-school playgroup until he left the office. She saw her mother on weekends and knew, ‘If I want Mummy, I can ring her.’ They worked hard not to ‘spoil everything and get embittered’, Paul said; it helped that neither felt their marriage breakdown was the other’s fault. ‘We helped each other grow up.’
