Well, slap my tiny titties and call me Shirley — Gay Christmas is upon us.
It’s a bittersweet Mardi Gras season for me, as it’ll be the first year since coming out as a lesbian that I won’t be living in Sydney. Eight months ago, I hung up my hat as a “Prominent Sydney Lesbian” (someone literally called me that to my face, and it’s my biggest achievement to date) and moved to Melbourne.
So, I am writing this article as a parting gift to my Sydney queers. I want to share all of my favourite places to be queer all year round — whether that’s somewhere to dance, chill, or get fingered. You are so welcome.
These are my favourite spots in Sydney, discovered over 10 years of living there from 2014. When I arrived as an Unemployed, Depressed Lesbian (a UDL, if you will) until 2024 when I left as a 33-year-old in a long-term relationship. Don’t worry, I am once again unemployed and still clinically depressed — some things never change. 🙂
Before I get into it, I want to shout out some of my favourite venues that have shut down over the years thanks to COVID-19, lock-out laws and exorbitant rent. Vale The Giant Dwarf, Darlinghurst Theatre, Secret Garden Bar, SLYFOX (the very location where I won L Word Trivia and met Katherine Moennig, aka the gayest sentence ever written, aka the yassification of For sale: baby shoes, never worn). You are missed.
One more thing, and then I swear I’ll get into it. I’m pointing out MY favourite spots. Don’t fkn @ me saying, “What about ARQ!?!?” or “OmG ShE ForGoT ThE ImPeRiAL!!!” Firstly, I don’t like that tone! Secondly, there are already a myriad of lists online pointing out these venues — this list is for my queers who wanna get a little weird. Strap on and ride the journey with me. Yes, that was a strap-on joke.
My Fave Queer Spots In Sydney
Camperdown Memorial Park, Newtown
Some of my fondest memories are sitting in this dang park. Firstly, it’s free. Secondly, it’s a dog park. I also hear they now have porterloos which rules because you no longer have to awkwardly run to the Courty trying not to piss yourself because you held it in for way too long. This is also a great first date spot — grab a pizza from Westwood, takeaways from P&V and get ready to add each other on Co-Star. I am so sorry for talking about dating right after saying, “piss yourself.”
Queer side of Gordons Bay
FOR THE LOVE OF CHAPPELL, MAKE THE MOST OF THE BEACH. I DIDN’T GO TO THE BEACH THAT OFTEN WHEN I LIVED IN SYDNEY, AND I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH I MISS IT. The beach is what makes Sydney so damn SEXY! You know what else is sexy? Being a homosexual! So what’s the sexiest of all? Gays at the beach! Cue the queer side of Gordons Bay.
This isn’t official, but my dear friend Brendan noticed a lot of hot queer people hung out there, so now we call it that. And now I pass it on to you. Brendan also goes there all the time and is also single.
Birdcage, The Bank, Newtown
Birdcage is a FREE weekly lesbian and queer party every Wednesday at The Bank Hotel in Newtown. It’s been running for 12 years, starting at Slyfox (RIP) and was my first queer party when moving to Newtown. I must warn you — it is not for the faint of heart. Birdcage does not fuck around. I would consider myself a pretty confident, soft-butch-lesbian, but the lesbians at this event make me look like a tiny, little, scared chihuahua. Woof!
The Cat Protection Society of NSW Adoption Centre on Enmore Road
I’ve never been in but always walked past, and I reckon it’s gonna be pretty gay.
King Street, Newtown
Gather, my children, as I tell you a tale of the Before Times. I first visited Newtown as a 24-year-old baby dyke, and I felt like I had just discovered the sapphic Isle of Lesbos. It was 2015, the lockout laws hadn’t started, and the annoying straight cis men stuck to the city for their buck’s nights. Lesbians and queers walked the street in abundance, looking for vegan, gluten-free pho and locally-made pale ale from a female-owned brewery. You couldn’t walk 100m without running into someone you had slept with, but it was okay because you wanted to run into them to trade kombucha scoby tips 🙂
While it’s not so much giving lesbos now, there’s still a whiff of it in the air. It’s also a great place to walk while listening to Lorde’s Supercut cause you just got dumped and can’t stop crying. Which brings us to:
TOP PUBLIC PLACES TO CRY
Crying is inherently gay. So, here is a list of the top places I’ve cried in, which means they are now gay.
- Carlisle Castle Hotel — where my girlfriend dumped me.
- Museum of Contemporary Art Australia — after my girlfriend dumped me.
- Marrickville Markets — after remembering that my girlfriend dumped me.
Now, here are the top public places I’ve cried in… but a different kind of crying… yes this is the fingering section of the article.
TOP PUBLIC PLACES TO GET FINGERED
- The Imperial, Erskineville — Bathrooms on level 3 and the Basement (see, they did end up getting a mention! And shout out to their variety of bathrooms!!!!).
- The Newtown Hotel, Newtown — Ground-level bathroom.
- Some bathroom in a bar in Mosman — Don’t ask.
The Bearded Tit, Redfern
The Bearded Tit is the place I miss the most in Sydney — Melbourne doesn’t have a venue that comes close. When you walk into the Tit, you feel like you’re home. Owner Joy Ng and the team have created queer joy in a venue. No time for jokes in this recommendation, I just fucking love and miss it so much. There’s something for everyone — Queer Trivia on Tuesdays, Queerborhood performance night on Wednesdays, and Sad Dyke Sunday… on Sundays. The Bearded Tit will always be my number one recommendation. PLEASE GO!
So that is my gift to you. I beg you to hunt out the hidden queer gems that Sydney has to offer. Also, if you follow my recommendations, let me know! Hey, even tag me in your stories! My therapist and I are currently working on how I don’t need external validation to feel valued — but we aren’t anywhere close. I’m still a Sydney UDL at heart 🙂
This story is part of our Mardi Gras digital issue, celebrating the LGBTQIA+ culture makers and game changers. Read more here.
Jenna’s debut solo show, It’s Not Funny, It’s Private, will be on at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival from March 24 till April 6.
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