The Bachelors Recap: We Must Protect This Sweet Polyamorous Angel At All Costs

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – The Bachelors has chosen violence for 2023. Every episode is absolute chaos! We literally open tonight’s ep with everyone sniping at each other at the rose ceremony about Young Tanya (Tash)

Jess Our Saviour Krystal Osher Mean Girls. Felix Kmart MGK Krystal

It has everything to do with me bc I am literally just here to start shit, beb

The only woman allowed to start shit on my watch

How dare you dry hump another man while I dry hump ten other women

The Bachelors

Will you though

Thomas

Here I am, the resident unqualified counsellor

You had to go ruin it, son

Leah

Also who sits on a swing like that

Michael Turnbull

She is super hot and also the producers told me I have to keep her around for at least six episodes

What is The Goldy but theme parks and fart-infused nightclubs

This man did NOT sign up for I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

Tilly The Bachelors

Does anyone know where the train to Central Station runs from?

Same

The Bachelors

Guys I really like this dress but I also really need to get to Central

One more deep eye roll and we’ll need to go to hospital

Krystal you can rip MY hair extensions out if you want to

White Lotus

“look, Tash is hot and also I’m not allowed to send her home so yes I agree”

oopsy

The Bachelors Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.

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getting up in ‘s business. Jas is involved, is involved, everyone’s involved. looks like he’s concerned it’s going to turn into that fight scene from Backtracking 24 hours. No delays on the drama, BOOM! We open with the bombshell that the business YT’s been getting into about Jess, one of ‘s picks, is that she has a BOYFRIEND, and while I’m sure there’s more explanation to this, Young Tanya has cottoned onto this tidbit and sits down (because, she says, KMGK is Felix’s “best friend” ahahahaha okay) to inform him of this juicy goss. She tells Felix, and he is PISSED. I suppose it’s reasonable that he be surprised and upset by this news, but instead of reacting with “there is likely a reasonable explanation for this” instead he’s all “I’m gonna talk to her and boot her out of the mansion if she’s got a boyfriend because she’s wasting my time”. That seems mature and reasonable!!! So off he goes to whisk Jess away while Young Tanya revels in the chaos like Regina George. , because she’s perfect, immediately calls YT on her shit, asking why she felt it was her place to tell Jed this information that had LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. Young Tanya is like: Anyway, Young Tanya is off telling everyone why she’s right, everyone’s sort of fake-agreeing with her coz no one thinks she’s right except that one blonde henchman she has with her all the time, then Krystal yells across the room at her, it’s all happening. I cannot tell you how much I adore Krystal, she is the People’s Princess of this show. Of course – OF COURSE – the story is more nuanced than “Jess has a secret boyfriend”. The actual truth, as she tells Felix, is that she has a boyfriend who she is in an open relationship with. Now, you would think Root Rat Felix would be really into this, right? Open relationships! He’s LITERALLY IN ONE AS WE SPEAK SINCE HE’S DATING 10 WOMEN. But, of course, he’s all, what the fuck Jess I can’t believe you. What I find sosososososo funny about this guys, so so funny, is that Felix has repeatedly been PROVING that HE would like his prospective girlfriends to be okay with him pashing them all, in front of the others, at any time. However, he is vehemently opposed to his PARTNER possibly ever doing the same. Not even, because what Jess is talking about is polyamory which, in a healthy setting, involves all partners deciding on boundaries and not licking each other’s faces to stir up jealousy. Anyway Jess needs to leave bc she is far too enlightened for this man. But she continues to try to explain it to him. And SURE. SURE. I’ll give you this – in a normal IRL world, I suppose it’s best practice to tell any potential partners that you’re non-monogamous in case they’re looking exclusively for a monogamous relationship. But this is , I’m almost certain they told Jess NOT to tell Felix until he “got to know her”, aka not on the first date, and regardless – it’s not like she’s telling him that underneath her skin she’s actually a worm and will he still love her if she’s a worm. Anyway Jess is trying to explain to Felix that she is currently polyamorous, but she isn’t necessarily committed to polyamory forever, or with every partner. Felix says he’s a “white picket fence guy” which made my vagina seal shut – what is this, 1956? – but I think what he was trying to say, if I give this drunk root rat seal the benefit of the doubt, is that he’s not really open to a polyamorous relationship. That being said, it feels like he is just refusing to even CONSIDER the concept or understand where Jess is coming from. In much more entertaining news, has joined the fray like the wisened, silver fox chakra healer he is. Thomas is a little more voice-of-reason and to be fair, Felix doesn’t shit all over polyamory here. He says he’s more upset that Jess didn’t tell him outright, but he isn’t judging her values. But he then goes and ruins his one small moment of progressiveness by saying “I love threesomes! Just not with my wife!” Anyway enough on the polyamory storyline. Each Bach is taking one girl on a date. First up is Thomas and , she’s the Memoir Girl. They just go sit on a swing and kiss. That’s literally all they do. They talk about love and kiss. Next is Kmart MGK and Young Tanya. These two have absolutely ZERO in common. It’s abundantly clear that YT is just here for drama. She says the reason she told him about Jess is because her ex kept her a secret for a long time. I THINK she’s talking about but I can’t be sure. She says they went to events and he would tell her they had to act like they were just friends. That is a very sad story Young Tanya but also we all know you told Jed about Jess to set fire to the entire mansion. This is the inside of Young Tanya’s brain: Jed, however, is enthralled by Young Tanya and her HoNeStY and AuTheNTiCiTy aka he thinks she’s super fucking hot. Next up, Felix has decided to eschew a single date. Instead, everyone’s headed to Dreamworld. DID I NOT SAY A THEME PARK DATE WAS IMMINENT. It is actual torture for KMGK because he hates rides, and honestly SAME – watching him try not to spew through multiple rollercoasters was triggering. Never forget the time my sister lied to me about the Superman ride being “not that bad”. Moving on to our drunk seal who is just looking for Seaworld, Felix. Jess tries to have a normal, casual chat with him since, you know, she’s barely spoken to the man and would like to get to know him, and he immaturely runs away to do some stupid flirty dancing with as a diversion tactic. Is this man twelve years old. The other girls have a chat about how disrespectful it was for Young Tanya to spill Jess’ secret like that. Meanwhile, this gal continues to look like she accidentally walked onto  set by accident. Meanwhile Thomas, the sweet baby angel that he is, is trying to help Jess because old Tonguey McGee Felix is being such a huge dickholeeeeee, leaping about like a salmon with Tilly and ignoring poor Jess. Thomas asks Jess what she wants, and she says she wants someone who would be curious with her about how their relationship works, not closed off. Essentially, she’s upset that Felix shut their connection down so suddenly. THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S A BIG IMMATURE DRUNK SEAL, JESS. SOMEONE NEEDS TO JUST PUT THIS MAN BACK IN HIS SEAWORLD PEN. In record time it’s rose ceremony hour. Osher asks Young Tanya how her date with Jed went and she tells us it was amaaaazing and incredibleeee and when he asks about whether she sees herself at the finale, she says “I am the finale”. PFFFFFFTTTTT I cannot with this woman. Jas cannot either and is making these faces: So you know some shit is about to go down. Meanwhile, my new favourite random is still here, now in a lovely purple dress, but still very confused about how she’s ended up on  and why there’s champers in her hand: Anyway it all kicks off. Osher asks Jess how she feels and the woman is SO classy. I don’t even know if I want to use the word classy because it implies like, COMPOSURE and shit and why should she even BE composed when there’s a woman sniping at her from the sidelines? But basically she calmly and confidently explains that she was always going to tell Felix, she was waiting for the right time. She felt that was on a solo date. It’s classy because instead of stooping to Young Tanya’s level, she handles it on her own terms. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. THEN Osh asks Jas how she feels since she is now at this level of face-pulling: She lets rip, saying she thinks it was Jess’ business and no one else’s, and that it was awful for Young Tanya to tell Jed or anyone else about it. Lots of the other women agree, but Young Tanya is, of course, never going to take that kinda sledge lying down. She says she’s an “old school romantic” (vomittttt at aligning romance with monogamy exclusively) and she doesn’t share Jess’ values so… she felt the need to tell Felix, apparently. Then her henchman, that other blonde woman, calls out Krystal Our Queen for telling Jess she’d have “pulled Tash’s hair out” if she’d done that to her, which is OBVIOUSLY a figure of speech and also has nothing to do with anything, my god. Also do not come for my queen. DO NOT. In the end Osher tells them to shut the fuck up. I wish he actually said that but sadly he didn’t. Can the producers let him say shut the fuck up just one time, for the funnies? Please? Anyway. Men come in. Roses are handed out. Dramatic violins are played. Jess gets a rose and three more randos go home, because that is how this show goes at this point everyone!!! It’s episode three what did you expect!!! Jess was never going to go home, she still has a showdown with Young Tanya to endure! This episode seems to NEVER end because we keep going beyond the rose ceremony. Young Tanya (I need to stop calling her that coz her evilness feels like it extends beyond  Tanya’s level) sweeps Jed aside to be like waaah the girls are being mean to me. Krystal and Jas have had enough of her manipulative shit so they go over to intervene. Krystal asks Jed if he thinks what she did was okay, and he says yes????? Krystal straight up is like “WOW well you two are suited then,” which is so fucking GORGEOUS I want to scream. She’s basically telling him he’s as cunty as Tash is!!! The Bachelor!! She told the Bachelor he’s a dickhole!!! Jed seems very overwhelmed by all this drama and I think Krystal and Jas can tell he’s not going to have the emotional maturity to process any of it beyond “Tash hot, girl problems confusing” so they’re like, whatever let’s get over it. Except Tash WON’T get over it and starts telling her henchman lady what mean things Krystal and Jas said. They hear and everything starts up again. THEN!!!! So Jas is now out talking to Jed trying to explain the fact that Tash is as evil as her side-eye chihuahua, and IDK how they fit more drama into this but Tash casually drops to the rest of the women, for no goddamn reason but to stir shit, that Jas has an Only Fans. Everyone is shocked. Someone I’ve never seen before then slams Tash for revealing that information that Jas told her in private. She’s like: It’s HORRID. Like truly, it’s Olivia from MAFS on steroids, this behaviour. The girls go tell Jas and Jas starts to cry, then I start to cry because I’ve tapered off my anti-depressants and I’m VERY EMOTIONAL TODAY. And clearly also into over-sharing. Anyway Jas is crying, I am crying, and Jas starts wondering if Jed backing Tash is a red fucking flag (YES IT IS JAS) and whether he’s who she wants to pursue anyway (NO YOU DON’T JAS). Anyway what a shitshow this week has been, huh? I’ll give this – they’re 100 per cent not here to fuck spiders. Things only seem to be getting more chaotic.