The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts

I bloody love this season of The Bachelors hahahahaha. You know what really boosts my serotonin levels? Gets my endorphins going? Lifts my sorrow spirits? Women telling shitty men that they can go fuck themselves. So you can imagine my joy is unbounded tonight friends, because we got that DOUBLE-TIME. Let’s get into it. We start out with Thomas, who will now be known as Meditation Daddy (ty to my friend Liza who gave me that gold nugget), trying to have his peaceful me-time with his crystals and soft cashmere jumper draped over his shoulders.

wow I was having such a relaxing time, now I must expend my energy on two bozos

grrrr! Reowr! I’m a leopard! This isn’t a flipper I’m holding out!

and THAT’S how you get out of here with your eyeballs intact

*deep breath with vulnerable shudder to it* naked chicks mean a lot to me

we get it, you’re Mrs. Seal

Oh look it’s all the worst furniture from Facebook Marketplace

I’m just not sure I like this man who has barely spoken to me and just looks lovingly at his drums

My yoni egg is pulsing

Leah honey it’s prob less traumatic to go to the pub and meet sweet Craig the plumber

just let them ride their eco-friendly electric bikes into the sunset already

If I can’t find central the least I can do is crush a man’s ego into dust

PLEASE LOVE ME

Oi… oi… who’s like the WORST person here hahaha we need more champers for this hey mate

BLINK TWICE IF YOU’VE GOT BRAIN WORMS, KRYSTAL

The Office 

those are just words strung together into a sentence

ILY Gwyneth

Meditation Daddy, this is definitely NOT daddy behaviour

I love meditation, yay cacao nibs

Maybe she is also trying to find central station

You suck! Byeeee!

Better insert myself into this drama for some airtime!!!

It’s giving me after three wines telling anyone who’ll listen the plot of Yellowstone

The BachelorsMelissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.

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