Not gonna lie, I’m a wee excited about the Royal Wedding today. Mainly because it means we’ll never have to hear about it again.
Honestly, I’ve heard that much chat about it, I half expected to get the call to walk the bold Meghan doon the aisle.
Instead, that job is now going to Prince Charles.
Possibly the first time the word job and a member of the Royal Family have been mentioned in the same sentence.
Thankfully, him doing it avoids what could have been the worst royal wedding nightmare since Fergie ruined Prince Andrew’s big day – by turning up.
Luckily, Charles is only walking Meghan part of the way down the aisle. Let’s face it, anyone who’s seen the price of his Duchy Originals food will know that he finds it hard to give things away.
Meghan’s dad Thomas was said to be upset following his heart surgery, which forced him to miss the wedding.
I’m not surprised the auld boy keeled over. They’ve booked Elton John and Windsor Castle. And he’s having to foot the bill. The royal gardener has admitted he’s still in the dark about how his flowers will be used at Harry and Meghan’s wedding.
Apparently Meghan wants geraniums formed into bunches, while Harry wants cannabis leaves formed into cake.
We also know that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle stayed at separate £1500-a-night hotels before their wedding.
That is extortionate. I mean, for that money you could almost get a room in an Edinburgh Travelodge during the Fringe.
The pair have opted for a standing only wedding reception with fashionable bowl food.
The food is at Harry’s insistence. Well, once the bowls are empty, he’s got something handy to spew in.
Some of Meghan’s acting pals are expected to attend, meaning security is a huge deal.
The head of MI5 has revealed that 12 terror attacks have been stopped in the UK since last year.
These guys are clever, though. In a bid to reduce some of our urban areas to rubble, some members of Isis are apparently now trying to become town planners.
Anyway, all the best to Harry and Meghan.
Three-year-old Princess Charlotte will be one of six young bridesmaids at the wedding. Inexplicably shouting, causing mayhem and embarrassing other guests – Prince Phillip will also be in attendance.
Aye, if it’s anything like the build-up, we’re guaranteed a right royal rumble. Aye do tae that.
