‘THIS IS THE WORLD NOW’
The football festival of peace, love, understanding and tolerance that is the Human Rights World Cup starts in 37 days, which might seem a fair old while but is just two fewer than Kwasi Kwarteng spent arrogantly tanking the UK economy in his blink-of-an-eye blur as UK chancellor before being chucked under a big red Brexit bus.
Yes, The Fiver’s long been renowned for its ability to see off all comers, and with cutting edge topical humour like that crowbarred into what is supposed to be a wry, sideways look at Liverpool v Manchester City this weekend, it’s small wonder we’ve seen off Dara Ó Briain and his wiseacre cynics on Mock The Week despite their commendable 17-season run.
Before the good and the great of global football converge on Qatar – and Erling Haaland checks himself into Cyberdyne Systems HQ for a month-long recharge and tune-up from the Skynet conscious group mind and artificial general super-intelligence system – there is plenty of business to attend to on the domestic front. And following his uncharacteristically poor showing against Liverpool in July’s Community Shield, The Fiver can’t help but feel Haaland might have some of the unfinished kind on his mind. Nicely rested and goal hungry after a midweek break that entailed nothing more strenuous than a few sideline stretches in Copenhagen, the Norwegian should be in prime condition to strike terror into the hearts of Liverpool’s defenders on Sunday.
“He can’t be bargained with,” said Jürgen Klopp when asked about the threat of Haaland in his pre-match presser, although The Fiver may be paraphrasing in order to continue our laboured Terminator riff. “He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear and he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.” However, for all his qualities as a striker, Haaland is going into Sunday’s game on a poor run of form by his own lofty standards, what with having hit the post, missed a tap-in and scored just one goal against Southampton last weekend.
Liverpool, by contrast, enjoyed a much-needed midweek confidence-booster, spanking seven past Rangers in Big Cup, even if they did, as has become customary, allow their hosts to score first. “I know the quality they have,” said Guardiola, talking Liverpool up in that slightly condescending manner he normally reserves for Bournemouth and other City whipping boys. “It has always been a tough game and I don’t expect anything else. I know the quality they have, the character.” And while results thus far suggest it might not be the tough game Guardiola claims and Liverpool are in for a shoeing, Klopp can at least console himself with the fact that until Sunday’s final whistle, the future has not been written and there is no fate but what they make for themselves.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m a big fan. I love the stories so much. My favourite one was the Half-Blood Prince. I saw that Harry Potter World is near London and that is on our list to visit very soon” – Leicester’s Wout Faes gets his chat on with Ben Fisher about wizard-based literature, saying no to Chelsea and being compared to David Luiz.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Can I say, as an AFCB supporter living in Bournemouth with my Rangers-supporting Glaswegian wife, I take Liverpool’s entire season as a personal insult. To be entirely rubbish for whole time, apart from inflicting two record defeats against our clubs, can only be seen as deliberate from where I am standing. While I try to understand what I have done to upset Mr Klopp, the only crumb of comfort I can take is that unless they gain an unlikely win against Manchester City at the weekend, they will still be below us in the table” – Simon Dunsby.
“I’m gutted that I didn’t keep hold of the assistant referee’s flag that I incorrectly raised for offside during my son’s U13 match a few years ago. My son’s team was trailing 2-1 when an opposition player raced through on goal. I lifted my flag, completely missing the fact that our right back (in fairness, a full pitch width away from me and my poor eyesight) was keeping everyone onside. I apologised to the opposition manager, who politely shrugged his shoulders. However, he was far from happy when the match finished 2-2. If I’d kept hold of that flag after the match, like Ali Bin Nasser did with the 1986 Hand of God ball, I’d be hoping to net a cool £2.5 million out of my incompetence” – Steven Pye.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 people aware of 1970s American sitcoms to note the name and strength of Xavi’s tipple of choice (Thursday’s Fiver) and say that at 64.2%, Good Times sounds like it would be ‘dy-no-mite’” – Ed Taylor.
“Without wishing to detract from Thursday’s winner of the prizeless letter o’ the day, careful research reveals that milk trains picked up milk from local dairies, not dropped it off” – Keith Whitmee (and no others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Steven Pye.
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