It was the Scottish showbiz wedding of the year. The guest list was a veritable who’s who of the entertainment industry. And it all took place at the Dalmeny Park House Hotel in sunny Barrhead.
But enough about my big bash in 2005…
I returned to the venue for the first time last week (and you thought Vietnam flashbacks were scary?) to celebrate the marriage of my BBC Scotland chum Jonathan Sutherland and his beautiful bride Siobhan.
Apart from the blue plaque they’d put on the wall after my own ceremony 17 years ago, I couldn’t work out what else looked different about the hotel at Jonners’ do.
And then it hit me… nae paparazzi!
I’d been kindly invited by my wee pal to MC proceedings. An honour and a privilege. And only fair, I suppose, as he was a page-boy at my wedding.
Always the pro, Jonners asked if I wanted autocue for my speech, but I politely declined. Well, I’ve seen fellow wedding guest Steven Thompson using it on Sportscene and it looks impossibly difficult…
The groom was planning to hire the Sportscene production team to film the ceremony, but I managed to talk him out of it.
Let’s face it, they’d have probably left out the “I Dos” and the cutting of the cake.
All kidding aside, with the vast majority of friends & family at the wedding coming down from Shetland and the Western Isles - Jonners and Siobhan’s respective home patch - a fiver says the official video will be broadcast on BBC Alba before the end of the month.
Just how many of the guests were Highlanders and Islanders? Put it this way, dear reader, it’s the first wedding I’ve attended that had REAL carriages at midnight…!
Jonners only got the photos back yesterday (it took the best part of a week to have the film processed at the Lerwick branch of Boots) and I hope you like the ones I’ve included in today’s column.
Sadly, a lot of the wedding pics were ruined as, in keeping with his presentation style, Jonners kept looking at the wrong camera.
I’ve known my pal Jonathan ever since he won the competition to host Sportscene and I’ve watched him blossom into the sort of TV presenter who’s now widely regarded at BBC Scotland as, well, no’ the worst…
Siobhan told me it was while watching Jonners on Sportscene one Saturday night that she first dreamed of becoming Mrs Sutherland.
She assumed he was on the same money as Gary Lineker…
On her big day, the radiant bride took a very traditional approach: something old, something new, something borrowed and a photo of Chick Young’s nose.
And I can tell you her proud hubby did everything to make the day special for Siobhan.
Why, he even offered to personally stand on top of the wedding cake.
Thanks very much, Mr & Mrs S for allowing me to be a tiny part of your big day.
I’m just sorry that three invited guests didn’t turn up: Jonners’ old Reporting Scotland colleague Cat Shearer, the BBC political reporter Catriona Renton and DJ & broadcaster Cat Harvey.
Apparently, the three Cats were terrified that footballer Kurt Zouma had also been invited…
● Went to my first ever basketball match on Sunday night - Glasgow Rocks v Leicester Riders at the Emirates Arena in Glasgow - and it was great fun.
Yep, even though I’ll probably now have rascals suggesting I’m a big Hoops’ fan…
● When I bumped into James McFadden at the BBC that afternoon, he told me about the time he was on a Scotland trip and the boys settled down in the hotel lounge to watch basketball on the telly.
To the hilarity of all the other players, big Garry O’Connor suddenly piped up: “How many quarters are in a game?”
While his team-mates were still rolling about the carpet, he said: “What are you laughing at? I’ve never watched basketball before…”
Putin on the Blitz
A Scotland “nuke map” shows the aftermath in deaths if we were bombed by Russia.
And it’s very, very scary stuff.
Until you remember a brand new series of Mrs Brown’s Boys is due to start soon.
Go on, Vlad, hit the button…
Staying with telly, it’s now a week since Jack Smethurst - a fine comedy actor who was never off our screens in the 70s and 80s - passed away… yet ITV STILL haven’t shown an episode of Love Thy Neighbour as a wee tribute.
What’s the world coming to?
Andy's net worth
Sir Andy Murray’s Cromlix House Hotel has posted losses. No idea of the total amount, but regular reader Bob McFarlane - Hamilton’s No.1 punster - hopes it’s not £606060.
He can exclusively reveal auditors have suggested increasing profits by having more dinner dances.
In other words, new balls please…
The Long and Windy Road
The First Minister has announced that facemasks will no longer be required in the fight against Covid-19.
But I advise keeping one handy after March 21 on the off-chance you bump into Sir Paul McCartney.
You see, folks, on Jimmy Kimmel’s US chat show, Ringo Starr revealed that his fellow Beatle was THE most flatulent member of the band.
So which songs SHOULD the Fab Four have recorded? That was a question I put to the Off The Ball listeners on our Sunday Supplement show and here’s the pick of the bunch…
I Wanna Hold My Nose, Raspberry Fields Forever, The Long And Windy Road, Eight Days I Reek, Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Farts Club Band, While My Guitar Gently Peeps, Smelleanor Rigby and - my favourite - Toilet Paperback Wiper.
Can anyone trump that?
PS. Apparently, whenever Paul emerged from the lavvy, he used to say to the rest of the guys: “I’d Let It Be for ten minutes…”
A Play, A Pie and a peck from Pete
Great fun at A Play, A Pie & A Pint at Oran Mor in the west end of Glasgow on Monday.
This week’s production - The Ticket Meister - runs ’til Saturday and the very fact it’s written by legendary playwright Peter McDougall means it’s well worth trying to get a ticket.
I got my photo taken with the genius who wrote The Elephant’s Graveyard, Just A Boy’s Game, Down Among The Big Boys, etc, etc - and that might explain why I’ve had a recurring nightmare this week about being sexually molested by a walrus…
Devonly Judith
BBC Scotland’s legendary weather girl Judith Ralston is always up for a laugh.
And when she was on the radio with us last week, we challenged listeners to put their place on the map.
In other words, send in the name of the town/city/village where you live and Judith would give it a name-check on Monday night’s edition of Reporting Scotland.
As you can see, my pal played a blinder with Pennan, Battledykes, Echt and Zoan all getting a mention.
Plus, of course, one of my favourite place names in Scotland - Crook of Devon (officially twinned, apparently, with the Thief of Baghdad).
Pat Nevin loves playing these sort of games.
After his last appearance on Off The Ball, he went on Match of the Day the following evening and, to the bemusement of Gary Lineker, he suddenly mentioned OTB legend Tommy Ring!
Sometimes, though, these japes can bite you on the bum.
Years ago, after doing a show with former Hibs player and PFA chief Tony Higgins, I challenged the big man to give one of my Motherwell heroes - Willie Pettigrew - a namecheck when he was on Scotsport later that evening.
And, just to coax him, I offered £50 to the charity of his choice if he pulled it off.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, Tony actually uttered the words “Willie Pettigrew” not once, not twice, but SEVEN TIMES - and I was hit for 350 notes!!!
I can laugh about it now, of course…
PS. Staying with football, I suppose this week’s story about Pat Nevin stealing a knife & fork from Pizza Hut when he was a skint player with Chelsea in 1983 was supposed to highlight how it was a very different game back in the day.
But has football REALLY changed?
My fave funny photos of the week
This milk is NEVER out of date.
The Prince Andrew scandal has taken its toll on Princess Anne.
Every man has a pair of boxers that look like this around the elastic waistband.
Careful walking your dog today - it’s very windy out there.
Proof that double yellow lines DO work. Not a single car parked here.
Warning! The side effects of wearing skinny jeans.
Text jokes of the week
●Top tip: if you can’t sleep during this stormy weather, try counting trampolines jumping over garden fences.
●A prominent historian is now claiming that Jesus was married. Just like any married man who goes missing for three days, he came back with a cracker of an excuse.
●Did you know that 80s pop star Paul Hardcastle moved to Northampton purely so his postcode would begin NN19?
●I once went on a Hot Chocolate themed picnic. It started with a quiche…
●Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Which explains why Prince Andrew is so stupid.
● Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.
●In a shock development, Ikea have confessed their famous meatballs are made out of people who didn’t find the exit.
●Did you know - Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 at the age of 43, but his rival Fahrenheit was convinced he was 109…?
●People who insist the book is always better than the film - have they ever read Debbie Does Dallas?
●Next time you visit someone with an Alexa, wait until they leave the room and say: “Alexa, set alarm for 3am with horror movie sounds effects…”
●My mate plays for a football team called The Three Musketeers and they started the season well with three wins and a draw. All 4-1 and one four-all.
●To anyone suffering from paranoia: remember, you’re not alone…
Primark steak bake
Primark has started selling the new Greggs clothing range and there was a huge queue outside the Newcastle store on opening day… as one customer got stuck in the front doors.
Yeah, I’d hazard a guess this particular part of the fashion outlet doesn’t have a “petite” section.
By the way, if a customer hands over a £10 note at the till for, say, a Greggs steak bake T-shirt, I take it Primark staff are now obliged to shout: “Tenner going in, Margaret!”
At the weekend, Hibs’ star Ryan Porteous took a plastic glass from a social club…
And finally
A piano from the old TV puppet show Joe 90 is up for sale at £4500. Careful. There could be a few strings attached.
