This column usually gives politics an even wider berth than I give the salad bar at Pizza Hut but I’d like to kick off today with two probing questions…
Where exactly is the hedge?
And who is tasked with the job of dragging him through it backwards?
I’m talking, of course, about our Prime Minister Boris Johnson – the scruffiest world leader in the history of the universe.
When I heard he was going in this week for a two-hour operation, I thought – and hoped – it meant he was finally getting a haircut.
Turns out it was actually a nose job.
So, was he having Nadine Dorries’ nose surgically removed from his derriere?
Or, in the wake of Partygate, perhaps he was getting 12 inches chopped off the end of his hooter?
Nah, it was just routine surgery on his sinuses.
But talking of Pinocchio-style porkies, surely the TV clip of the week was RMT secretary-general Mick Lynch on Newsnight calling a Tory minister a liar FIFTEEN times!
Why? Well, it was a relatively short interview and that’s all he could manage…
The rail union boss is unquestionably my Man of the Week. It’s been terrific watching him handing so many journalists and politicians their backsides on a plate.
And I’ll tell you what, if the trains operate as smoothly as Big Mick after this strike, our railway service will be the envy of the world.
Hands up if you’d love to see him as PM?
Failing that, Mr Lynch, any chance we could book you for Off The Ball next week?
They say football and politics shouldn’t mix but, in the 28-year history of our programme, some of my favourite guests were MPs or MSPs… and they all had something to offer.
Off the top of my head, for example, Tommy Sheridan – right after his legendary “Real Madrid v Gretna” court case – was terrific value.
George Galloway once gave us a breathtaking six-minute monologue on why bees are essential to life as we know it.
Alex Salmond provided listeners with a tip for the horses that won at 33-1. And then there was the time I pulled a gun on former First Minister Henry McLeish (long story).
Staying with politics, I read a report this week that US president Joe Biden fell off his bike while he’d been enjoying a ride with his wife.
Apparently his doctor said: “He shouldn’t be doing that at his age, but I recommend he keeps cycling…”
Another golden oldie who shows no sign of slowing down – Sir Paul McCartney – turned 80 this week and he vowed he’ll still be performing as an octogenarian.
I think he’ll just have to tweak some of his classic hits.
For example, I look forward to hearing Twist And Gout, When I Was 64, While My Catarrh Gently Seeps, I Get By With A Little Help From My Carer and, of course, Help…!
When Elvis's passing lead to a Devine revelation
The eagerly-awaited Elvis Presley biopic is released tomorrow, so I can’t sign off today without sharing my favourite Elvis-related story, which was told to me years ago by my dear old pal Sydney Devine.
It’s August 1977 and Syd’s agent is having lunch with a colleague in a Glasgow restaurant when a member of staff – after hearing the news on the kitchen radio – announces to all the customers that Elvis has died.
As a stunned hush falls over the dining-room, Steak & Kidney’s agent leans across the table to his pal and whispers: “You know, this could be the break Syd’s been waiting for…”
Ham-handed dad
Hello to regular reader Schlermie in Stepps who put a smile on my coupon this week with a cracking wee story.
He’s married to a lovely Muslim girl and he’ll NEVER forget introducing her to his parents.
When they offered to make tea and sandwiches, Schlermie’s dad asked if ham would be okay.
“No, not at all – Muslims don’t eat ham!”
And dear old dad said: “But it’s wafer thin…” Brilliant!
Meanwhile, hello to another masochist who never misses these pages – Fife reader Kenny McGurk.
It was Father’s Day last Sunday. But, as Kenny points out, it’s better known in Lochore as The Postman’s Holiday.
Awww…
Cash 'n' Coffee
Talk about stating the bleedin’ obvious? University of South Florida boffins say we’re more likely to make “impulsive buys” after caffeine, so shoppers could save cash by avoiding coffee before buying groceries.
Hang on, COULD save cash?
Steer clear of the Starbucks/Costa next to the supermarket and you’ll be a fiver up right away…
Staying with food and drink, tell me, folks, is it humanly possible to get a cheese slice out of a packet without THIS happening???
Come along, even if you amputate your ears...
If you don’t mind me sneaking in a wee plug, ladies and gents, I’m making my debut at the Edinburgh Festival this summer.
Don’t worry, I won’t be fire-eating on a unicycle whilst reciting Peruvian poetry.
And I certainly won’t be taking my wife up on her brainwave – performing a bonsai version of Puppetry Of The Penis for Japanese tourists…
Nope, I’m doing one of those In Conversation With… shows with my old mucker Graham Spiers asking the questions.
Yes, even though I still suffer Vietnam-style flashbacks over the last Q&A I did a few years ago in St Andrews.
After plodding through two hours of deadly dull questions – and my answers weren’t much better – a hand went up at the back of the room and I invited this wee lady (80 if she was a day) to ask a question.
“Thank you, Tam,” she said. “I’d like to ask… would you mind terribly if we all went to the bar?”
OUCH!
Anyway, folks, I’m making my comeback at The Stand’s New Theatre on George Street on Monday, August 22, at noon. Do you fancy it?
When I advertised the gig on my Instagram page, one Rangers fan said: “I’d rather amputate my f*****g ears than listen to Graham Spiers.”
I’ll put him down as a “maybe”…
Lookalike of the week?
Uncanny!
My fave funny photos of the week
How the baby comes out if mum spends her entire pregnancy taking selfies.
Looks like the Glasgow flight arrived...
Guys, is there anything worse than kidney stones?
Two jumbo jets sharing a joke.
A fella from Airdrie at a Stevie Wonder concert.
Family return pet pooch to The Dog’s Trust as it costs too much to feed it.
Text jokes of the week
● As Covid cases rise by 65 per cent, the Government is praised for its swift action to stop people mixing on public transport.
● Chris Eubank, above, has been appointed Boris Johnson’s new Ethics Adviser. The former boxer says that he used to live in Ethics, but has now moved to Thuthex…
● My car just ran out of petrol. My insurance company has deemed it a write-off.
● My neighbours have complained about me groaning too loudly when having sex in the morning. If only they knew I’m just trying to put my socks on.
● I lost a good friend and drinking buddy last Saturday in a tragic accident. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
● I was rubbing an old lamp when a genie popped out and granted me a wish. I asked him to make me irresistible to all women. The b****** turned me into a pair of shoes.
● Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
● Here’s my take on high school reunions: if I haven’t contacted you in the last 20 years, there’s probably a reason.
● Went into the library yesterday and asked for a book on cliffhangers. And the librarian said…
School meal plan is pie in the sky
Kids at the remote Lochnell Primary School in Benderloch, Argyll, are set to get school dinners delivered by drone.
Sounds exciting, eh? Imagine something like that happening when YOU were at school!
But hang on a minute. In a country where they’ll swipe a fish supper clean out of your hands, surely a flying drone packed with food will be a very easy target for any self-respecting seagull?
Also, given the cost of living crisis and all the foodbanks in Scotland, I think punters with rocket launchers will also pose a major threat.
Nah, I think this sounds like pie in the sky…
PS. In the event of a drone malfunction, think of the massive ecological damage school custard would unleash if it fell into the sea!
