It’s nice to be nice, so I thought I’d dedicate today’s nonsense to a few people who deserve a big thank-you from your humble columnist. (And I am VERY humble, dear reader. In fact, see when I die, I’d like the word ‘humble’ put on my statue…)
I’ll start with Robert Robertson. Nope, not the former host of Call My Bluff (there’s one for the teenagers). I’m talking about the lead singer of upcoming Scottish pop/folk band Tide Lines. Can’t claim to be a big fan (I’m more of an Engelbert man, as you know, and the only “tide line” I’m familiar with is the one I used to leave around the bath on a Sunday night), but I owe Rob a debt of gratitude after last Saturday’s guest appearance on Off The Ball.
You see, folks, about 10 years ago I hit a deer while I was driving and the damage to my car was enormous. Sure, the money I got from selling the venison and the novelty hat rack covered the repairs bill, but that’s not the point. I still get Vietnam-style flashbacks to that terrifying incident every time I’m crawling along a country road and, with Rob being a Fort William man, I thought he might have some good advice on how to avoid, ahem, gatecrashing any stag parties.
And he did! He suggested a “deer alarm” (not to be confused with a “dear alarm” as flogged by home security firms) that attaches to the front of your car and emits a high-pitched whistle to scare off Bambi & Co. So thanks, Rob. And thanks to Elgin City FC director Isla Benzie. She was listening to the show and, when I arrived at the football club to speak at a testimonial dinner on Sunday night (all the best to long-serving player Darryl McHardy), I was presented with - yep - a deer alarm.
And it worked!!! On the long road home down the A9, I didn’t hit - in fact, I didn’t even see - a single deer. (What a shame, however, about the 43 rabbits, 14 foxes and that poor motorcyclist…) But why should I seem so surprised? I’ve had an elephant alarm on my car for five years and, lo and behold, I’ve never hit one of those big f*****s.
A huge thank you, also, to Derren McRae who owns The Ferryhill House Hotel in Aberdeen. That’s where I stayed over the weekend and, when I unzipped my suit bag to get changed for my gig - jacket, trousers, shirt, tie - I suddenly realised… NAE SHOES!!! A frantic phone call to my wife (she solves all my problems) who calmly suggested wearing the shoes I’d travelled up in.
Aye right - a pair of navy blue Skechers?!? A suit & trainers is dead trendy, she tried to assure me. Sure, that’s why Giorgio Armani has just offered Rab C Nesbitt a £10m modelling contract… She then sent me a photo of Sir Paul McCartney wearing a suit & trainers. But that’s Paul McCartney! If the audience don’t fancy his clobber, he can just buy a new audience.
With the clock ticking and the panic starting to kick in (to be honest, I thought I’d also be needing a spare pair of underpants) I put out an S.O.S to the hotel boss - is there a local shoe shop I could dash to? - but Derren REALLY came up trumps. Turns out we’re both a size nine - so he let me borrow a pair of HIS!
This greatly amused Mrs C who calls me Spongebob Squarefeet. How would my big fat “cankles” fit into trendy shoes of a successful man 15 years my junior? As she mercilessly guffawed down the line: “You’ll be like one of the Ugly Sisters trying to squeeze into a glass slipper!” Well, Mrs C, just call me Cinderella - they fitted like a glove! Thanks, Derren.
And ta very much to regular reader Ian Arnott from Kilmarnock. He sent me a lovely photo this week that will appeal to any football fans. Two lifelong Fenerbahce supporters recently passed away, so the Turkish club paid tribute by putting cardboard cut-outs in their seats. Awwww.
Try this with a pair of Dundee Utd fans and the smart money says they’d STILL walk out with 20 minutes to go…By 4.30pm most match days, the home end at Tannadice is quieter than the fruit & veg aisle in Asda. A final thanks to two brothers from Motherwell - Gregg & Barry Watson - who treated me to dinner at the town’s top restaurant, Da Claudio, for simply attending the opening of their new furniture shop.
I feel right at home in a furniture store - don’t forget, I was a Chippendale in the 1990s - but I was a bit uncomfortable when they tried to give me a leather sofa and two matching armchairs FREE OF CHARGE. Thanks but no thanks, guys. I was always taught never to accept suites from strangers…
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