Can I just start today’s column by wishing a happy 20th birthday to a couple of my dearest pals.
They’re actually twins. Though not identical twins. One’s a left and the other’s a right.
That’s right, I’m talking about my shoes – the ONLY pair of black, shiny “dress” shoes I’ve ever worn since I bought them way back in May 2002.
For the past two decades they’ve been on my feet at every single “smart/casual” function I’ve attended.
If I made a film about my trusty old slip-ons, I’d call it Forty-Four Weddings and a Lot of Funerals. And, naturally, I’d offer the lead role to Shoe Grant.
(Other possible titles? Reservoir Clogs, Das Boot, Forrest Pump or The Last of the Moccasins.)
Yes, folks, I might bear a striking resemblance to Paisley pop star Paolo Nutini but that’s where the similarity ends as it’s AGES since I put on some new shoes.
To recap, while I’d estimate my missus buys 20 pairs of shoes in one year, I’ve bought ONE pair in 20 years! Imelda Marcos will be spinning in her grave, and she’s not even dead.
By rights, they should be in worse nick than Rab C Nesbitt’s gutties but (as you can see from the photo) I look after them well.
Apart from being highly polished on a regular basis (true story: my old captain at the 2nd & 4th Boys’ Brigade in Motherwell used to gather the rest of the lads round my size nines to show them how it’s done), I get my shoes heeled & soled every couple of years.
Yep, they’re my equivalent of Trigger’s broom.
And I only use a reputable shoe repair shop. The one I go to also does key cutting and it’s really good. You should see all the trophies in the window…
Now, dear reader, I know what you’re asking: WHY have I been wearing the same pair of shoes for 20 years?
Well, it’s simple. I’ve always had funny-shaped “plates of meat” – my wife calls me SpongeBob SquareFeet – and, if you’ll excuse the mixed metaphor, this pair of shoes fits me like a glove. A soft, velvet glove.
Earlier this week, Mahatma Gandhi’s sandals were part of a collection that was auctioned for £500,000.
My favourite shoes are roughly the same age, but they’re definitely not for sale…
Talking of money, Police Scotland has spent £280,000 of taxpayers’ money on fees to the Performing Rights Society so officers can listen to music on TV and radio.
Favourite tracks down the cop shop include Hit Me With Your Riot Stick, Every Breathalyser You Take and Don’t Cry For Me Sergeant Tina.
I posted this as a wee competition on my Instagram page and other songs suggested were Fit Me Up Before You Go-Go, 999 Red Balloons, Whispering Grass, Bobby’s Girl, Hello-Hello-Hello Dolly, Plod Only Knows, Simply the (Stab) Vest by Tina (Key) Turner, Lifted by The Lighthouse Family or anything by Salt-N-Pepa Spray, REO Speedtrap or Daniel O’Donnell (synonymous with criminal records).
My favourite? Kev McT (find him @columbiakevmc) plumped for I Want To Break Free by Fraudy Mercury.
PS. Didn’t have time on Off The Ball to work out who Dracula really supports (I don’t even remember why we asked) but a few crackers arrived after the show…
Falkirk – the club has sucked all the blood out of the supporters over the past few years.
Aberdeen – fangs ain’t what they used to be.
Either half of the Old Firm – he’s always been a gory hunter.
Any team Luis Suarez played for.
But definitely no t Kilmarnock. They’re famous for their stake pies…
Nothing fishy about this catch
Captain Birdseye has been named the most iconic advertising character on British TV.
Chocolate frog Freddo was at No2 and Kevin the Carrot (from Aldi’s 2016 Xmas campaign) third on the list.
That’s according to trade journal The Grocer – a publication that’s now banned in my house for failing to recognise the mad woman from the Shake ’n’ Vac ad.
Meanwhile, Del Boy’s three-wheeler Reliant van has been voted the world’s greatest on-screen vehicle, ahead of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the DeLorean from Back to the Future.
Me? I’d have plumped for the legendary 1984 Rover from Rita, Sue and Bob Too.
● In a bid to boost passengers’ mental health, railway stations across Britain will be adorned with fresh flowers. Aye, right. A fiver says they’ll have wilted by the time the train arrives.
And how long before they claim cancellations were caused by “petals on the line”?
Don't give me fever...
Hay fever remedies are in short supply due to a lack of key ingredients, so here’s my top tip if you can’t get your hands on any anti-histamines – stay well away from shellfish (particularly prawns) and red wine.
Both are PACKED with histamines and you’ll be sneezing for Scotland with eyes like Marty Feldman.
And I know what I’m talking about, folks. I’ve got CHRONIC
hay fever.
At the local elections last week, I couldn’t go anywhere NEAR a pollen booth…
Daredevil dunce
Thrill-seeker Dylan Fraser, 24, from Carluke, Lanarkshire, has been fined for climbing a 239ft crane in Glasgow.
Probably just a ticketless Rangers fan trying to secure a view of next week’s game
in Seville.
On that note, memo to EVERYONE I know: yes, thanks to radio, TV & newspapers, I may have been involved with Scottish football for more than 30 years, but listen… I DON’T HAVE ANY TICKETS FOR THE EUROPA LEAGUE FINAL!
With airlines charging like the Light Brigade, it’s a proper planes, trains and automobiles job for the Rangers supporters travelling to Spain and some fans are even talking about hiring a hot air balloon.
Staying with football, a lovely moment at St Mirren Park last Saturday as outgoing chief exec Tony Fitzpatrick – a PROPER club legend – was presented with a Scottish Cup medal after losing his several years ago.
And it would have been even lovelier if they’d presented him with the famous moustache he also lost a few years ago.
King fear
You wouldn’t think it possible to survive a 40ft fall from a balcony but yesterday’s front page shows it can be done.
That’s because that is exactly what Scots holidaymaker Jennifer Walsh, 23, did.
And it might explain why the Queen has excluded Andrew, Harry and Meghan from the line-up on Platinum Jubilee day…
At the State Opening of Parliament this week, the Queen gave no speech for the first time in 59 years.
Maybe she’d included a couple of dodgy gags that would have seen people walking out…
And here's the other picture of me...but who else do I look like?
How do you like my new pic at the top of the page?
Last time I bit into a lemon, the lemon made a face at me… so I love the new app (NewProfilePic.com) that creates a cartoon image of your coupon.
The only cartoon characters I’ve been accused of resembling in the past were Peter Griffin from Family Guy, Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons or wee Velma fae Scooby-Doo.
But help me out, dear reader, who do you think this OTHER animated image of yours truly looks like?
Names in the frame include Christopher Biggins, comedian Sarah Millican, Neighbours legend Harold Bishop, the SNP MP Joanna Cherry, a young Jack Jarvis from Still Game or Ronnie Barker’s twin sister… What you reckon?
My fave funny photos of the week
The M8 at Charing Cross right now.
So, you want me to build a ramp at the disabled parking space? No problem...”
Who remembers when Celtic scored a few goals past John Cleese?
I bet there are a few large piles on this street...
It’s impossible to look at this photo without bursting into song.
When proper spacing is a VERY good idea...
Text jokes of the week
● Diego Maradona’s 1986 World Cup jersey from the controversial quarter-final against England sold for £7million at auction. Peter Shilton tried to bid for it but he didn’t put his hand up high enough.
● Experts have revealed a possible cure for dyslexia. A spokesman says there’s light at the end of the toenail.
● I was addicted to soap for
10 years. I’m clean now.
● When the animals from the zoo go for a trip to the beach, do you think the kangaroos get fed up being asked to hold all the keys and phones…?
● Which warped individual decided the word “lisp” should have an “s” in it?
● I’ve invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. (Note to self: do NOT carry them in your back pocket.)
● Fun food fact: a cheeseburger is basically a dead cow covered in its own lactations.
● My wife’s been going to Spanish evening classes for the past six months. We’ve had to stop it, though, as the flights were costing a fortune.
● I took a photo of a mouse today. It didn’t say “cheese” but I could tell he was thinking it.
● What do you call an artist with an itchy bum? Piccassole.
● I know identical twins who finish each other’s sentences. One of them is currently serving 30 years for the armed robbery his brother did…
Cup a load of this..
I was told this week I had four days to live.
Yes, folks, my wife and wean are away on a mini-break! When I saw the luggage they piled into the car, I thought they were actually away for four MONTHS.
Anyway, while Mrs C is out of earshot, here’s something I thought I’d share.
As you may have read yesterday, former Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona has reduced her boob size from a DDD to a C.
Well, whisper it, but my missus got a breast reduction op a couple of years ago.
And I must say, she looks a lot better with just the two…
And finally
Trade is taking off at The Bear pub in Somerset after it started hosting a woman barber to give the customers a trim.
Does this mean the blokes no longer return home just half-cut?
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