In the towns and villages of north-east Scotland at the weekend, relieved residents watched hi-tech industrial machinery draining away last Friday’s biblical floodwater. In Angus, however, the streets around Gayfield Park were much quieter. Why? Well, I’m afraid the locals have grown accustomed to seeing Arbroath getting pumped…
Now struggling at the foot of the Scottish Championship, my big pal Dick Campbell’s part-timers were last year’s surprise package and, to use the correct Scottish unit of measurement, they missed out on promotion by a baw-hair. Football fans love a shock result (unless, of course, it’s against YOUR team) and they don’t come much bigger than Saudi Arabia’s 2-1 victory against Lionel Messi’s Argentina on Tuesday morning.
A massive upset, sure, but one of my pals wasn’t too surprised. According to him, the Saudi ruler told the players before the tournament: “You better win, boys, or heads will roll…” Even though I’m a huge Messi fan (in terms of the world’s greatest ever player, he’s third in my book behind Diego Maradona and Stevie Kirk), I was cheering for Saudi Arabia due to the strong Scottish connection.
Did you know their goalkeeper’s great-great-grandfather played against us in the final of the Under-16 World Cup in 1989…? The Qatari authorities have banned alcohol at the 2022 World Cup – which has surely eased the pain for the stay-at-home Tartan Army – and I wouldn’t recommend trying to sneak a carry-out into one of the stadiums. That could easily cost you an arm and a leg…
Here in Scotland, football clubs could be banned from advertising alcohol on shirts under new regulations being considered by the Scottish Government. The old argument here, of course, is that it encourages young football fans to drink. Is that a fact? Listen, I was a young football fan when both Celtic and Rangers were sponsored by CR Smith and not ONCE did it encourage me to buy double-glazing.
Back at the World Cup, I hope you’re not panicking in the wake of England’s 6-2 annihilation of Iran? Relax, folks, Kelty Hearts could put six past the Iranians and I confidently predict Gareth Southgate & Co will wave tatty-bye-bye to Qatar in the knockout stages after losing a penalty shootout (well, it is a World Cup) which will HOPEFULLY be more than enough to stop Micah Richards’ annoying, utterly exaggerated laughter. Don’t forget, the England players are even worse with pens than King Charles.
As for the other big TV event dominating our screens – I’m A Celeb – Mike Tindall was forced to drink blended pig’s penis. Big deal! He’s a former rugby player – wash it down with a pint of his pal’s urine and it’d be like a night out with team-mates. Boy George – now voted off – threatened to quit the show last week after a member of the ITV crew refused to give him a ride in a golf buggy. [PAUSE WHILE THE READERS MAKE UP THEIR OWN JOKES…]
Meanwhile, despite requests by millions of viewers – okay, ME – Matt Hancock is still refusing to accept a lift in Ant McPartlin’s car.
PS. Two former jungle contestants were in the news this week. First up, Katie Price and her fiancé Carl Woods split up after he accused her of cheating. Shocker, eh? I could hardly sleep. I thought they’d have a long and happy marriage together and would end up celebrating their Golden Wedding. (Talking of Katie Price, I see there’s a UK-wide shortage of blow-up dolls. Don’t know the reason, but I’m guessing it’s something to do with inflation…)
Meanwhile, Geri Halliwell-Horner has become the first Spice Girl to get a degree. (Unless Victoria Beckham got a Masters in nuclear physics and I missed it.) “Education is power,” she said. Hang on, hen, education? You didn’t do a five-year slog at uni – it was an HONORARY degree!!! They’ll probably give one next week to Jedward.
