If you thought Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was just a fictional, fantasy adventure… think again.
According to reports, a futuristic flying car - the AirCar - which transforms from a four-wheel motor to an aircraft in two minutes has been given the green light to take to the skies.
Yes, folks, a flying car! Didn’t Ant McPartlin have one of those?
The Slovakian invention has passed all the safety tests with flying colours and I just hope it’s jet-powered like traditional aircraft.
After all, most new cars are now electric - hands up if you fancy your battery going flat at 30,000-ft?
Oh, and don’t forget - the new Highway Code rules regarding cyclists come into force next week.
So remember to leave a gap of 1.5m if you’re overtaking Elliot and ET…
In other aviation news, it was also reported this week that a British Airways 747 plane bought for £1 has become the world’s first jet to be turned into a bar - and the BA Negus “party plane” can now be hired from Cotswolds Airport.
A party plane? Sounds like the UK’s equivalent of Airforce One.
Since the start of the pandemic, Downing Street has seen more knees-ups than a hospital’s gynaecology department.
In fact, political experts believe it’s only a matter of time until the Conservative Party changes its name to the Conservative Work Event.
It was revealed this week that Boris Johnson - who, at the time of writing, is still clinging to power by his fingertips - enjoyed a surprise 56th birthday bash in June 2020.
And as much as we’ve all loved the jokes - when everyone started singing Happy Birthday, he simply thought they were washing their hands - it’s now time to get serious and blow out the candles on his time as PM.
I heard BoJo being described as “gutless” this week, but I think that’s unfair.
Tell you what, if I had a head of hair like that, I wouldn’t go anywhere NEAR 56 naked flames.
The party only lasted 10 minutes - just enough time for a game of Pin The Tail on Matt Hancock - but Dominic Cummings immediately hinted at more shock revelations.
Whisper it, but I’ve heard Downing Street hosted another 43 birthday parties in 2020 as Boris organised one for each of his kids.
Even though it means I’m officially an old codger, I’m glad I was born in 1969 as that meant I was able to enjoy a pre-Covid 50th birthday party with my family back in April 2019.
One year later, on my 51st, I wasn’t allowed to celebrate with my mum and my father-in-law due to the strict lockdown regulations and, just a few months later, they had both passed away.
If there’s any justice in the world, Boris Johnson’s next birthday cake will have a metal file in it…
PS. On the back of the BYOB scandal, I wrote last week about other examples of a wee fly bevvy.
And here’s an absolute cracker from Eddie Gilzean in Aberdeen.
At a wedding a few years ago - in a very expensive hotel - Eddie and Mrs G were joined at their table by two evening guests - a nice couple from Glasgow - who arrived with a beautifully-wrapped present.
A few moments later, the man punched a hole in the bottom of the gift to reveal the plastic spout of a box of wine…
Genius!
Oh oh heaven
A cinema in Manchester is now allowing dogs through the doors on a Monday - but what movies might appeal to the pet pooches?
Well, with Brad Pitbull and Spaniel Day Lewis in the “lead” roles, might I suggest…
The Man With The Golden Retriever, A Fistful Of Collars, The Bitches Of Eastwick, The Hunt For Red Setter, Husky Galore, Piddler On The Woof, Litter To Brezhnev, There’s No Business Like Schnorbitzness, Monty Python And The Holy Growl, How The Westie Was Won, Schnauzer’s List, Canine And A Half Weeks, Bark To The Future, Where Beagles Dare and Whatever Happened To Rabies, Jane?
Oh, and memo to all cinema ushers with a torch: please watch out for any Close Encounters Of A Turd Kind…
PS. Staying with the flicks, good luck to Idris Elba, widely tipped to become the first black James Bond - he’s certainly going to need it.
Five minutes into his debut, I predict 007 will be pulled over by cops to explain where he got the Aston Martin…
Lookalike of the week?
How about top Scottish football commentator Derek Rae and Grandpa Munster? Uncanny!!!
Best not watch
In a new series of some utter guff called Celebrity Help! My House Is Haunted, the ex-wife of George Best claims the football legend’s ghost is haunting her house.
Ironic, really, as this is the place where George used to make spirits disappear…
Anyway, folks, in episode two, I understand it’s claimed that George’s ghost has also put the willies up a couple of Miss Worlds.
PS. I once had a drink in a haunted pub. Sure enough, my pint of lager was headless.
Wayne's wacky world
I see Wayne Rooney is selling £40 cartoons of himself. So, stand by for a copyright issue with the makers of Shrek.
Apparently, one of Wayne’s drawings copped off last week with Maw Broon.
Staying with football, the only upset in last week’s Scottish Cup fourth round involved Kelty Hearts. They needed extra-time to beat St.Johnstone.
My Off The Ball mucker Cosgrove dashed out of the Glasgow studio bang on 2pm to drive to Fife and he faced a dilemma - the Kincardine Bridge or the Queensferry Crossing?
Which one did he stop at on the way home?
Burns fright
Burns Night on Tuesday sparked a big debate over the best way to cook a haggis.
And that’s because top Scottish chef and restaurateur Nick Nairn (the man who asked “who needs a Michelin star when you’ve been reviewed by the Michelin Man?” when I popped into his old Glasgow place 20-odd years ago) insisted our national dish is best done (GASP!) in the microwave.
More popular methods include: poached in a pot of water, roasted in the oven or sliced-up and fried in a pan.
Me? Call me old-fashioned, but I like to toast the haggis…
● It’s been reported that Geordies are best prepared for an apocalypse with one in five stockpiling supplies and building bunkers.
Hang on a minute... the same Geordies who don’t wear coats? They’re not even prepared for winter!
Mind you, I think the Geordies WOULD cope better as - before and after armageddon - the local area would look pretty much the same...
● After all the other kids at school kept calling her Flatpack, a teenage girl at a Norwich school has changed her name from Ikea.
Poor soul. She must have been in bits…
My fave funny photos of the week
“Hold on, Jack… the council are on their way.”
What a terrific special offer at Costcutter!
Surely it’s time to give Lorraine Kelly a later slot when her guests are turning up in their pyjamas?
The pandemic has clearly taken it has toll on our politicians.
It didn’t take long for sacked Watford manager Claudio Ranieri to find a new job!
Text jokes of the week
● The police decided to investigate the Downing Street parties as it was becoming too big for Sue Gray to sweep under the carpet by herself.
● A couple of my mates had a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns Night and called it Chinese Burns Night. I didn’t want to go, but they twisted my arm…
● Due to changes in the Highway Code to protect cyclists, I’m now stopping at green traffic lights so I don’t run over one of them going straight through a red light on the other side.
● This new rowing machine works really well. Since I bought it, we haven’t stopped arguing about how much I spent and when it’s going
in the loft.
● My pal Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton Diet. Sure enough, it made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean…
● Fun fact: if you drink wine fast enough, your Fitbit thinks you’re running.
● My wife asked for some chocolate and a “surprise” for her birthday. You should have seen her face when she unwrapped her Kinder Egg.
● Just bought a new frying pan that is guaranteed non-stick for five years. And how do I know this? There’s a sticker on it saying just that.
● For our 20th wedding anniversary, my wife asked if I would like to go on a second honeymoon. Great idea, I thought, so I divorced her and married my girlfriend.
● If you spill red wine on the carpet, a good tip is to get some white wine and drink it until you don’t care any more.
● There’s a new film out about an HGV driver who constantly cleans and polishes his truck. I haven’t seen it yet, but the trailer looks amazing.
Fairground distraction
About 2000 hamsters had to be culled after an outbreak of Covid a pet store in hong Kong.
So, time to dust down an all-time favourite gag.
The owner had them made into a fur coat for his wife and when they went to the fairground this week, it took three hours to get her off the big wheel...
And finally
According to reports, East Ayrshire has the best value houses in the UK. I’ll say. My mate recently bought a four-apartment in Cumnock from Poundland.
