Some good news at last, folks, on the war in Ukraine. My fellow Record columnist Barry Ferguson insists Vladimir Putin has got Volodymyr Zelensky sussed…
Poor Bazza has taken pelters thanks to his Old Firm prediction being even further off the mark than the Rangers strikers’ attempts at goal. But, hey, as Harry the Horny Hedgehog sighed as he climbed off the scrubbing brush, we all make mistakes.
Look at NASA. Due to a technical hitch, the launch of their rocket to the Moon was called off last Saturday. A huge blow for the American space program - and the hundreds of Rangers fans queued up to get on board…
It finished 4-0 to Celtic (four going on 10) and, while thunder and lightning had been forecast for the lunchtime kick-off in the east end of Glasgow, all we witnessed was a really bad shower from the west. In fact, it was such a one-sided affair at Parkhead that supporters who returned to the stadium for the visit of Real Madrid must have experienced a real sense of deja vu…
How good were the Spanish giants, eh? Based on Tuesday night’s evidence, I now fancy Motherwell to beat Celtic in our Premier Sports Cup tie next month. Why? Well, believe it or not, we boast a 100 percent record against the 14-time European champs.
Played one, won one, drawn nil, lost nil. Okay, so it was way back in 1927 (the mighty ‘Well beat Real Madrid 3-1 at an invitation tournament in Spain) but you can’t argue with the facts.
If you’ll allow me another stroll down football’s memory lane, I see Tesco has been blasted for selling jars of pesto that shoppers claim are “impossible to open”. I wonder if they also made the biscuit tin used by the Celtic board in the 1990s?
In the current financial climate, it’s funny how pesto now sounds like a rather posh, luxury item. Let’s face it, the cost of living crisis is affecting EVERYONE. Even John Travolta was overheard saying: “I’ve got bills, they’re multiplying…”
Edwina Currie was ridiculed by financial expert Martin Lewis this week for advising people to stay warm by putting a sheet of tinfoil behind the radiator. (She, of course, used to stay warm by getting her Nat King from John Major.)
Another top tip I heard was even dafter - this winter, stand in the corner of the living-room. Why? Well, it’s 90 degrees…
But that, of course, is a joke - something a lot of people have said about former FM Henry McLeish’s claim that the cost of living crisis may spark a rise in football hooliganism. I think he’s spot on.
I mean, when fans can’t afford to heat their houses or feed their weans, how will they react to paying £3.50 at the food kiosks for a plastic cup of warm, watery cola?
As for buying fancy cocktails down the pub… forget it! According to a survey, the pina colada - one of Del Boy Trotter’s favourite tipples - is the UK’s favourite cocktail. But who can afford to buy one?
Back in the good old days, I approached a young lady from Airdrie at the dancing and asking if she liked cocktails. “I dunno,” she replied, “tell me wan…”
PS. In the early rounds of the FA Cup, non-league Blackfield & Langley goalkeeper Connor Maseko was shown a red card for PEEING during the match. Yep, the big man nipped behind a hedge to answer a call of nature and was promptly sent off by the referee!
So how come no action was taken against the Real Madrid keeper on Tuesday night when - midway through the second-half - he left the field of play for a shower, a shave and a jobby…?
Phil of nonsense
I’m not a huge fan of daytime telly, but I tuned into This Morning earlier this week - one lucky winner won four sessions of chemotherapy on Spin The Wheel. Staying with ITV, soap fans will be able to take a “murder tour” of the Coronation Street set next month.
I’m guessing they’ll walk into the grocery shop while the boy who plays Dev is having another bash at acting and say: “That’s MURDER!”
By the way, folks, thanks to an ITV News special announcing the result of the Conservative leadership, Monday’s edition of Loose Women was pulled from the schedule. So Liz Truss isn’t ALL bad!
In fact, I’ll give the new PM another grudging commendation. Yes, I know those video clips of her talking about the pork markets and British cheese were totally cringeworthy, but surely pork & cheese is better than BoJo’s porkies & sleaze?
PS. Back to TV for a second. Four lost episodes of Till Death Us Do Part - starring Warren Mitchell as the outrageously racist, homophobic bigot Alf Garnett - will be screened on the That’s TV channel. I understand all four - once edited for a 2022 audience - will be shown next Thursday between 10pm and 10.03pm.
Who's Tam gonna call? Not his family
Remember when Andy Millman - the character played by Ricky Gervais is the brilliant comedy series Extras - was kicked out of the VIP section in a nightclub to make way for David Bowie? Well, I had a similar experience at the Edinburgh Festival the other week.
Enjoying a drink with friends & family after my one-man show at The New Stand Theatre (Graham Spiers was hosting it, but he didn’t contribute much), we were suddenly ordered, in no uncertain terms, to vacate the premises so the audience for the next show - comedian Stewart Lee - could start filing in. Talk about taking the wind out of your showbiz sails?
But worse was to follow…As we finished our drinks out on the pavement in George Street, my wife’s cousin Ian came up to say hello.
“Thanks for coming,” I said. “Did you enjoy the show?” He just looked at his feet and muttered: “Eh, I’m here to see Stewart Lee…”
PS. That’s not as humiliating as a review I read recently of the all-female version of Ghostbusters. “This movie was so bad,” said a punter on social media, “I watched it on a flight and people STILL walked out.” Ouch!
Happy birthday, Da!
I couldn’t possibly do a column this week without wishing my old man (Tom) a very happy 89th birthday. He’s now so old he can remember when DFS weren’t having a sale.
We’re off to Blackpool tomorrow for a wee family celebration (touch wood!) but, when I posted a pic of his birthday cake on Instagram last Sunday, I loved this observation from one of my followers. Mr Steve Brown said: “Don’t throw out those candles - switch them round for his birthday cake in 2031…”
There’s a challenge, Da…!
Sly dig
Not surprised to hear Sylvester Stallone and his wife have split up after 27 years. I heard they were going through a Rocky patch…
Celeb pal Chris is flash with the gnashers
As you can see, folks, I’ve had a busy week rubbing shoulders with a variety of showbiz stars - Hollywood film & theatre actor Alan Cumming, breakfast TV legend Rustie Lee and former X-Factor & Celeb BB contestant Chris Maloney. And a lovely bunch of people they were, too.
Alas, all my friends and family wanted to talk about when I showed them my photos were Chris Maloney’s “Turkey Teeth”. You’d never guess he spent a lot of time in Simon Cowell’s company, eh?
The big man’s gleaming gnashers (he’s also got a dazzling singing voice, by the way) made me think: I wonder if people in Istanbul with a smile like a row of condemned hooses are accused of having Scottish Teeth…?
PS. I’m still desperate to open a Scottish barber shop in Turkey - just to see how THEY like it…
My fave funny photos of the week
Do you ever look at things and wonder how it got there?
The Real Madrid centre-halves during the second-half at Parkhead.
Can you imagine how much this dress would have been worth during lockdown?
British tits:
Forget a Rolex, this is the new way to show off your wealth.
Text jokes of the week
Did you know the dictionary definition of ‘Truss’ is “a framework made in simplest form from two short planks”?
As landlords warn they may charge £20 a pint to cover energy bills, drinkers in London question the logic of lowering prices.
The film Titanic turns 25 this year - at which point I assume Leonardo di Caprio will no longer want to be in it.
I got invited to Tony the Tiger’s wedding. It was a bit of a frostie reception.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (Only a fraction of readers will find that funny.)
A dog breeder I know has crossed a bulldog with a shitzu. Nobody will believe the result!
Jesus was originally going to be called Gary, until Mary stubbed her toe on the desk at the registry office.
I once tried a horsemeat curry. Never again. I had the trots for a week.
I have a mate who tried to take a photo of himself in the shower, but the image was too blurry. He has selfie steam issues.
Saw a chameleon today. So I’m assuming it wasn’t a very good one.
I asked my wife if she could remember the most stupid thing she’s ever said. She replied: “I do.”
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen the mall.
Always remember, fellas, it’s better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.
And finally...
It’s 140 years this week since Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. Which means it’s 140 years and one day since he uttered the immortal line: “Where have all these f*****g moths come from?!?”
Meanwhile, New York artist Danielle Mastrion has started using a paint made from beer. Sounds ideal if doing a bit of DIY at home. You can paint the walls and get them plastered at the same time.
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