There was widespread panic about global warming on Tuesday as many of us feared the planet was set to sizzle at 3000C thanks to the outbreak of World War III. Thankfully, though, the missile that landed in Poland has been checked by VAR and the boys at NATO have waved play on…
What a relief, eh? I mean, who wants nuclear armageddon just before the start of a World Cup? And have you any idea how much I spent last week doing my Christmas shopping?
It would have been a shame to blast the Earth to bits this week as it’s celebrating a very special milestone – on Monday, the world’s population hit the eight billion mark. Apparently, it received the official telegram from Leigh Griffiths…
The former Celtic star was meant to be our special guest last week on Off The Ball, but he pulled out. Which proves, of course, that there really is a first time for everything.
Griffiths (and all joking aside, folks, I’d take him in a flash at Motherwell) is also synonymous with hair transplants. In fact, he might have been the first player in Scotland to swap the barber’s scissors for a surgeon’s laser.
Motherwell and Scotland legend James McFadden’s synthetic napper is arguably the best in the business, with bluenose pundit Kris Boyd – who got the teeth done as well – a close second. With no league games on the horizon thanks to the Qatar World Cup, I wonder if any of the Scotland squad will fancy an extra few days in Turkey getting a bit of cosmetic work done?
That’s where it all happens, of course. Laser hair and Turkey teeth. (Yep, look out for the Scotland boys arriving home with a few extra caps…)
Do they still have any traditional barbers in Turkey – or have they all moved to Scotland? (It remains my dream to open a Scottish barbers in Turkey – just to see how they like it.)
Like big Kris, I fancy getting both done – teeth and hair. Hands up, dear reader, I’ve got traditional Lanarkshire choppers and my shampoo of choice these days is called Shoulders.
But I’m a bottle merchant and there’s no way I’d jump on the next plane to Turkey. Not after watching Midnight Express.
One of my mates has booked into a hair clinic in Istanbul next week. Good luck to him.
He’s been as bald as a coot for years, but the poor guy still carries a comb in his pocket. He says he can’t part with it…
Nah, I’ll stick to my wee Turkish barber shop in Glasgow, thanks very much. "Number two on top, pal, number one sides & back." Easy peasy.
Although it wasn’t for Ally McCoist. Remember that story? About a year ago, the Rangers and Scotland legend plonked himself down in the chair and asked the wee Turkish guy for “a normal one”.
But the barber thought he said “a number one” and proceeded to leave Coisty’s hair even shorter than his front lawn during gardening leave. To be honest, as I joked with Ally at the time, the end result suggested the barber thought he’d actually said: “Just make a complete **** of it, please…”
I enjoyed a chuckle in my local salon last week when a wee cocky dude (no older than 12) sat down in the chair and asked for a buzz cut. “I usually go to the place across the road,” he said. “Were we recommended?” asked the barber, bursting with pride. “Naw,” he replied. “They were f*****g mobbed and you looked deid…” Brilliant.
PS. Talking of football, a reminder I’ll be doing my bit for Children In Need tomorrow night. I’m going through to Easter Road to brick up the boys’ gate.
Former Hibs player Jamie Murphy – one of my old Motherwell muckers – is on holiday in Dubai this week with his missus. So I sent a text to remind him that’s where you’ll find the best fake “designer” bags in the world.
“That’s good to know,” he replied. “We’ve had to sell her real one to pay for the drinks we’ve just ordered.”
Don't miss the latest news from around Scotland and beyond - sign up to our daily newsletter here.
