The race is on to see who’ll play Prince Andrew in a film version of THAT Newsnight interview with Emily Maitlis.
It’s a toss-up between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, but one of my pals reckons any Motherwell player would be perfect as they don’t sweat either…
According to a report on STV News last week, Syrian refugees have been invited to a game at Fir Park. Which explains why I received about 100 texts asking: “Haven’t they suffered enough?”
I’m confident we’ll improve with a new manager at the helm, but the last year or so has been absolutely grim.
As a fellow ‘Well fan pointed out on Twitter: “We’re a team with no ideas, no creativity, no imagination, no plans and no impact. Our entire approach seems to be hoping our opponents are somehow even worse than us. We’re the Keir Starmer of Scottish football.”
To which another disgruntled supporter replied: “And we also appear to be against strikes…”
But my favourite barb from a Motherwell fan came from my wee pal Stephen Reside, a member of the club’s Disabled Supporters’ Society.
After our embarrassing 3-0 aggregate defeat to Sligo Rovers in the Europe, he said: “As someone with cerebral palsy, I can say Motherwell are just like me - s***e over two legs…”
Even Graham Alexander would have laughed at that one.
Some teams have enjoyed a great start to the season. Look at The Three Musketeers FC. Their first lot of games finished 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-4…
(I don’t need to explain that, do I?)
But that’s not the case for every club.
Did you hear the guy who phoned into Radio Clyde the other day to take part in the mystery prize competition?
The presenter said: “You only have to answer one question – and it’s on geography. Feel confident?”
“Well, I’ve got a degree in geography from the University of St.Andrews,” said the caller, “and I’ve taught geography in schools for the past 30 years.”
“OK then,” said the DJ, “to win the star prize – two VIP tickets to a St Mirren game of your choice – what is the capital of France?”
And the fella said: “Kilmarnock.”
Meanwhile, dear reader, a Livingston schoolgirl found a massive eight-inch CHIP in a bag of Aldi’s frozen variety.
Thank goodness she’s not a Hibs fan or she could have killed that poor Hearts player…
Listen, if the Easter Road club identify the numpties who threw a cigarette lighter and chips at Alex Cochrane – and if we’re serious about punishing these knuckle-draggers – here’s my advice when the case is heard in court. Say it was just a lighter.
A judge will NEVER believe Scottish guys threw away chips.
Know what made me REALLY angry about chips being used as missiles in the Edinburgh derby? Not a single newspaper went with the headline Assault ’n’ Sauce…
● In other sports, decathlon athlete Alberto Nonino experienced a wardrobe malfunction during the home straight of the 400m when his willy fell out of his loose-fitting shorts. After crossing the line, he said: “I’m just relieved it wasn’t a relay race…”
● I read last Friday that, thanks to a two-week strike by council workers, Edinburgh is set to be overflowing with rubbish during the Festival. Sometimes you don’t need a punchline…
● Hats off to Aberdeenshire comedian Rob Grainger, 33, who performed his opening show at the Fringe to one person in the audience. And well done to that one person for not just leaving the keys and telling HIM to lock up.
● How’s this for a tribute? My mate spent a day in Edinburgh on Tuesday and he swears he saw a sign in a chip shop window saying ‘RIP Olivia Newton-John - from one Grease legend to another…’
● A woman who drank 20 cans of Irn-Bru a day has beaten her addiction with hypnosis. Don’t think that would work with my pal who’s been known to guzzle 20 cans of Red Bull a day.
“You’re feeling sleepy…”
“Am I f***!”
Spidey is in his swinging 60s after birthday
Happy birthday, Spider-man!
The Marvel superhero was 60 last week (I read it on the web) so here’s my gift for [**spoiler alert**] Peter Parker... a joke.
Spiderman lands on top of the Empire State Building and says to King Kong: “Right come on, big man, me and you, square-go, now!”
And King Kong says: “I can’t – I’ve got a plane to catch...”
We’re all getting older, of course, and Pope Francis, 85, says he may retire as he can no longer travel the world due to strained knee ligaments.
In fact, when he lands at an airport these days, he just sends the tarmac a text...
PS. Belated birthday wishes to the current Mrs Cowan, who was 28 last week.
That’s her story and she’s sticking to it.
you need to stop this patter, Liz. That means when we started dating in 2003, you were only NINE.
(Excuse me, folks, I think that’s the police at the door...)
● Went to a Dire Straits themed cafe yesterday and the menu was very confusing. They wanted money for muffins but the chips were free.
Feeling flush
A 51-year-old D toilet cleaner is at No11 in the Amazon charts with a reggae song. And if he needs a few tunes for the first album, may I suggest...
Cisterns Are Doing It For Themselves, I Can See Clearly Now the Steam Has Gone and If I Said you Had a Beautiful Bidet Would you Hold It Against Me?
Plus, of course, anything by Lavvy Siffre or Loo Rolls.
Sucker for a roll
My intrepid BBC chum Martin Geissler has risked his life reporting from the frontline in Afghanistan but, on holiday in Spain last week, even he wasn’t brave enough to try... a roll ’n’ octopus!
Don’t blame him. What sucker would eat one of those?
A Mediterranean delicacy, did you know octopus takes about 16 hours to cook? That’s because it keeps reaching out and switching off the gas.
Meanwhile, my wee pal Lorraine Kelly has rubbished claims she’s going on I’m A Celeb, saying: “There’s no way on God’s green earth I’m eating a kangaroo’s bum-hole in front of Ant & Dec.”
You could do a lot worse than a kangaroo’s bum-hole, Lorraine. Thanks to all that jumping up and down, they’re actually very tender.
PS. I once tasted ostrich penis. It was a cruel joke played on me by Bernie Clifton.
Bird fools
Some news involving our feathered friends... Shrieking bird alarms have been fitted at a Wetherspoon pub in Exeter to protect customers from dive- bombing seagulls.
That’ll never work. If it’s like any ‘Spoons I’ve been in, the gulls will be used to the sound of shrieking birds.
Birdwatchers flocked to a Cambridgeshire reservoir after a South African gull reached the UK. Not for long, though, as Priti Patel put it on the first flight to Rwanda.
Blue tits are disappearing due to climate change. But they’ll reappear in winter, ladies, when we can’t afford to switch the heating on...
My fave funny photos of the week
A rare picture of the Duke of Wellington in battle.
“Listen, hen, for the last time–I am NOT Bobby Charlton!!!”
Rebekah and Jamie Vardy downsize their villa.
Imagine putting these two shops next to each other? It’s a sin.
Heading home after another shift at The Louvre.
Text jokes of the week
The new series of Big Brother receives 50 million applications after producers confirm the house will have food and central heating.
When my wife was trying to watch the Lionesses winning the Euro Final last week, I started doing the hoovering. That’ll teach her.
My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been cancelled. You could say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I just got kicked out of a D:Ream tribute band as I kept forgetting the lyrics. Oh well, things can only improve.
I recently read that white rum is bad for the heart. I’m now thinking of consulting a Bicardiologist.
I learned all my Chinese cooking skills from The Bee Gees. Well, you can tell by the way I use my wok…
In medieval times, did you know people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night? This was the earliest known form of saddle-light navigation.
I think I was more surprised than disgusted last night when my dinner at the Brazilian steakhouse had a hair on it.
When I was growing up, my parents played Madness and The Specials every single day. Ska’d me for life.
I got sacked from my new job for asking a customer if they wanted smoking or no-smoking. Apparently, the correct terms are cremation or burial.
Went to a Dire Straits themed cafe yesterday and the menu was very confusing. They wanted money for muffins but the chips were free.
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she’d like to show me a good time. When we went outside, she ran 100m in 10.49 seconds.
Second hand mags
A gold watch that belonged to Adolf Hitler has sold for £900,000.
It needs a wee repair, however, as one of the hands keeps pointing at 11...
My favourite auction story this week? A man’s lifetime stash of (ahem) “vintage adult magazines” is tipped to sell for £20,000.
And I’m still chuckling at his honest admission that “they’re not all in mint condition”...
I still get a cold shiver when I think of my mum going into tidy up my room one Sunday afternoon – and finding a bed on top of my scud books...
Meanwhile, there was outrage last week following reports that Prince Charles accepted a £1million donation from the family of Osama Bin Laden.
To keep the British people onside, he also accepted free flights for his brother Andrew.
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she’d like to show me a good time. When we went outside, she ran 100m in 10.49 seconds.
And finally
As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th season, can I just take this opportunity to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
