While differences in perspective can be good for any relationship, when a disagreement escalates into words that can’t be unsaid, no one wins.
But making sure dissent doesn’t devolve into drama is easier said than done. Even Joseph Grenny, author of the constructive conflict handbook Crucial Conversations, admits to having spent a night on the couch in protest over toothpaste spittle on a mirror.
Here, readers share their most effective techniques for defusing a simmering row and prioritising resolution, from hand signals, to taking an outside perspective or quieting their inner teenager.
No petulance
Ever since we first started dating, we have had a “no petulance” rule. This means approaching issues as problems to fix together, rather than as a means of having a go at each other. No petulance also means trying to have adult conversations, as opposed to yelling at each other. Going for a walk to clear one’s head is a good strategy too.
Anonymous, Australia
Take a break
My husband makes a hand signal of a tent to indicate that he thinks I’m getting tense. Even if I disagree, I’ll take a break. Sometimes we compare theoretical mathematical models of our positions to ensure the proposed solution is fair. We both like maths.
Kerri, Melbourne
Speak to the heart of the issue
Don’t get stuck arguing about details. Work out the heart of the issue and talk directly to it. For example, if your partner is often late and it upsets you, don’t go down a rabbit hole arguing about exactly how late they were, or how often they are late, or if they think they have good excuses for being late. If the real problem is that you feel they’re not prioritising you or valuing your time, then get straight to it and say you feel you are unimportant to them. You can save a lot of time this way.
Anonymous, Australia
Control the volume
The best thing we do to avoid an atmosphere that breeds conflict is to connectwith each other by bonding and listening every day. There is definitely a connection between weeks where my wife and I are distant from each other (work travel, dinner meetings, etc.) and fights increasing.
If a fight is going to kick off and I want to de-escalate, I know to control the tempo and volume of my voice and ask questions to understand her perspective. This isn’t always easy, but it usually works.
Ben, Queensland
Broker a deal
We’ve had counselling a number of times and have learned to try to handle things using our “adult selves” as opposed to our “angry toddler” or “petulant teenager” selves. If I see that we’re both point-taking, I will take a deep breath and say, “look, we’re keeping score, something’s wrong, let’s talk about it”.
If I see him beginning to boil, I’ll often appeal to his mind: “Now, we’ve been together for over half a century, surely we can find a solution to this if we put both our heads together. We’re intelligent people.”
This will usually open the door to us talking things out. We both agree to let the other person completely finish talking about how they feel, no matter how long it takes, without interrupting. This is very difficult. When we’ve heard each other out, I say: “OK, how can we each come out of this with at least something that we each want?”
Then we will go for a long walk and feel better about each other.
Anonymous, Australia
Have a safe phrase
I touch him lightly on the arm and say “I need your attention”. This is a safe phrase. He knows from previous arguments that he must look at me with eye contact and try to listen and respond or I will start screaming hysterically, which he hates.
Rebecca, Italy
Don’t forget where you’re trying to go
I remember what my father said to me: “Is it worth being right?” Then I take a deep breath and tell myself we have the same destination, just the route may differ.
I do really try to hear what she is saying and then apologise, as she is usually right.
One way I try to diffuse things is to stop arguing about the issue and start talking to her about how her responses make me feel. She will generally then talk about how my arguing is making her feel. Once this is out in the open, the dispute usually stops.
If needed, we will then discuss the issue later. If we come back to it, then it is often without the heated passion. Rinse and repeat if passion still remains.
-Anonymous, Netherlands
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length.
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