Rishi Sunak: Good work this week, Suella.
Suella Braverman: Thank you, prime minister. I really think we have got illegal immigrants on the run now.
Sunak: What makes you say that? All our other bills have failed. Why should this one be any different?
Braverman: Then what was the point of it?
Sunak: Sorry. I forgot that you’re not very bright. Let me spell it out to you. Obviously, we have no centres to detain anyone. Nor do we have any deportation agreements with third countries. Apart from Rwanda, which will take 200. Though we haven’t yet deported anyone there. And obviously the lefty lawyers will try to make us obey the law to stop us. But we’ll get great headlines from the Mail and the Telegraph for looking as if we’re trying.
Braverman: Oh. I see.
Sunak: Really?
Braverman: Not entirely. Let me just check. We do still hate immigrants, don’t we?
Sunak: Of course. Very much so.
Braverman: Well, that’s alright then.
Sunak: Just keep on doing what you’re doing. Don’t get hung up on what I said about professionalism, integrity and accountability. That was just a Downing Street soundbite. Hell, I’d never have appointed you as home secretary if I’d meant anyone to take it seriously. After all, you had only been caught breaking the ministerial code – again – just six days earlier. Your job is just to be a lightning rod for halfwits like Jacob Rees-Mogg and Lee Anderson.
Braverman: Phew!
Sunak: Talking of which. How are you getting on with the ghastly woke blob?
Braverman: You mean, my civil servants?
Sunak: Absolutely.
Braverman: But I never sent that email.
Sunak: Of course you didn’t. It was one of our morons in CCHQ. But that doesn’t matter. What counts is everyone knows that’s what you really think. And being at war with civil servants is a great look for us. Dog-whistle populism goes down a storm with Tory voters.
Braverman: I have sent out another email saying how much I love the blob.
Sunak: Any replies?
Braverman: A couple of anonymous ones telling me to fuck off.
Sunak: Excellent. Just as long as no one is talking about the cost of living or hospital waiting lists reaching their highest levels then we’re still in the game.
The phone rings
Sunak: Sorry. It’s the chairman of the BBC. I’ve got to take this.
Richard Sharp: My dear Rishi. How are you, old boy? So good of you to spare the time to speak to me.
Sunak: Not at all.
Sharp: I can’t tell you how sorry I am that Gary Lineker has spoken out of turn on your superb immigration bill. The BBC must be impartial at all times.
Sunak: Don’t give it a second thought.
Sharp: No, no, really. I can’t apologise enough, darling Rishi. It was unforgivable.
Sunak: You misunderstand me, Dicky. I was delighted Mr Likener, or whatever his name is, compared the bill to Nazi Germany. Please keep it coming. Because when snowflakes like him speak out, it helps to create the impression that we really are going to do something about the small boats, after all.
Sharp: I catch your drift. Good thinking. I will encourage him to go on Twittering.
Sunak: Excellent. And may I thank you for your impartial donations to the Tory party in the past. And we’d be delighted if you felt able to give to the party again in the future. I can send you the direct debit forms, if that helps.
Sharp: Splendid. Let’s do lunch sometime soon.
Sunak: Take care. I’m just off to Paris to see Macron.
24 heures plus tard
Sunak: Bonjour Monsieur le President.
Macron: Bonjour. Can I see your passport?
Sunak: Why?
Macron: Just to make sure you have the right visa stamp. Since Brexit, there are formalities to be observed … Not that one. That’s your US green card.
Sunak: We need to talk about les petits bateaux. The must be arreted.
Macron: What do you suggest?
Sunak: We will pay you a few euros for more gendarmes sur les plages.
Macron: You’ve tried that before and the number of crossings has increased.
Sunak: That’s because your police have been pushing the boats towards the UK.
Macron: Not that nonsense spouted by the demi-wit, Natalie Elphicke.
Sunak: It’s très sérieux. We have reason to believe there are at least 100 million migrants on the north French coast at the moment. Possibly billions. Everyone veut venir a Angleterre. It won’t be long before the whole world is in Dover. So we want you to agree droit maintenant to take back everyone who crosses the Channel.
Macron: Vous avez perdu the plot. So what’s your plan regarding the European convention on human rights?
Sunak: C’est comme ça. We’re not going to quitter the ECHR. We’re just going to carry on breaking international law by detaining migrants in nonexistent centres and threatening to send them back to countries with whom we have not signed a returns treaty.
Macron: You’re having un rire! This is the most fun summit I’ve ever attended! I can’t wait to go back to the EU and tell them all about it. You make me look sane. No wonder every far-right group in Europe loves you. Talking of which, can you tell Boris Johnson he can’t have a Légion d’honneur?
Sunak: Sorry?
Macron: He emailed to ask for one in his resignation honours list. But do give my respects to Monsieur Lineker. I love Allumette du Jour.
