Australia has often been derided for its lack of culture. But in one area at least, they've outperformed other nations. Home and Away, the long-running and frankly ridiculous soap, was first broadcast on ITV on 11 February 1989 - a scarcely believable 20 years ago. This was during that mysterious period in western history when all things Antipodean became popular, such as Crocodile Dundee, Return to Eden, Neighbours, Kylie and Jason, Yahoo Serious and Foster's beer.
But while almost everything else was, thankfully, soon forgotten, Home and Away burrowed itself deep into our consciousness like a malignant, brain-eating worm. One of those scary ones originating in the Amazon basin. This daft saga of beaches, barbies and bust-ups has been raking in the viewers, five evenings a week, for two decades. How is this possible?
The programme is defined by implausible storylines, amateurish acting and dialogue that could only have been written by a drunken wombat hitting a typewriter with a claw hammer. It revolves around tedious shouting matches, unlikely romances, clunky murder mysteries and periodic disasters that result in several characters being marooned in the bush.
Probably the most ludicrous aspect of Home and Away is the bizarre familial relationships. I understand that long-lost twins, prematurely dead step-parents and wicked uncles are a rich source of narrative in soapland. But Home and Away takes this to absurd extremes.
Hardly anyone in Summer Bay ever appeared to live with both their natural parents. For everybody else in this dead zone for the nuclear family, it was separations, deceased spouses, unplanned pregnancies, orphaned siblings eking out an existence under a rock, or kindly former alcoholics willing to give a home to any passing waif in need of a bed and a little surrogate parenting.
Other annoyances include the fact that they're always talking about someone going to or from "the siddee". Where is this "siddee"? Why does nobody ever seem to name the damn place? And speaking of names, why do so many characters have stupid ones like Angel, Dale or Revhead?
The programme lacks even the tenuous connection to reality that one finds in the more kitchen sink British and Irish soaps, and thus is bereft of anything with which the viewer can properly identify. But it never fully embraces its absurdity, either, like Dallas or Sunset Beach, and thus fails to work as outlandish entertainment.
Admittedly there is/was one good thing about Home and Away: Principal Flathead's Brillo pad hair was the funniest thing on TV since they cancelled Get Smart. But that's it. So why in the name of Tom and Pippa is it still running?
There were lots of fine programmes around at that time, such as Stay Lucky, Mr Belvedere, Knots Landing and Challenge Anneka. How come none of these exemplars of television excellence stood the test of time, while Home and Away limps along like a three-legged (flamin') mongrel, regardless of quality, creativity or anything approaching believability?
Damned if I know, Bruce.
