Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert opened the Late Show with tentative good news from the war in Ukraine: the Russian military announced that it would “sharply reduce military activity” near Kyiv, “an area where – and I’m sure this is just a coincidence – they’re getting their ass handed to them by the Ukrainians,” Colbert said.
“In a related story from March Madness,” he continued, “after losing to North Carolina, St Peter’s has announced it will sharply reduce basketball activity near the final four.”
Peace talks between Russia and Ukraine in Istanbul have shown marginal progress, Colbert noted, but “the vibes at these meetings have been very uneasy.” According to reports, Ukraine warned its negotiators not to eat, drink or touch anything out of poison concerns. “So basically, New York subway rules,” said Colbert.
In domestic news, a federal judge ruled this week that Trump “more likely than not” committed a crime in trying to block confirmation of Biden’s win in the 2020 election. “Him crime-ing seems like a fair bet pretty much any day,” said Colbert.
Another indicator of said crime is that “there seems to be a poorly executed cover-up going on here.” The House committee investigating the 6 January insurrection has the White House phone records from that day, though the committee revealed Tuesday that there’s a gap of seven hours and 37 minutes in the records, including the period when the Capitol was under assault by a pro-Trump mob. “Instead, for all of those hours, all the White House phone records just say, ‘scam likely,’” Colbert quipped.
“Here’s the thing: we know the former president spoke to people like Kevin McCarthy and Jim Jordan during those seven hours and 37 minutes,” Colbert said. Which is the why the House panel is investigating whether Trump used backchannels to communicate that day, including burner phones. “I wouldn’t be surprised – he already has a burner son,” Colbert joked over a photo of Eric Trump.
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel traced more fallout from the unmissable moment of the Oscars, when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock on stage. “I feel like if they discovered a live chicken on the moon, we would talk about it less than we do this slap,” said Kimmel.
Kimmel touched on some of the stranger responses, such as conspiracy theories that the whole incident was staged to promote a comedy tour for Chris Rock and Kevin Hart. “What would lead someone to a conclusion like this?” Kimmel wondered. “Will Smith destroyed his reputation on the night he won an Oscar so Chris Rock and Kevin Hart could sell concert tickets? Chris Rock and Kevin Hart don’t need help selling concert tickets. Kevin Hart alone sells out like the Grand Canyon. This is ridiculous.”
Kimmel also touched on the over seven-hour gap in the White House phone records. “So now the big question is, which White House toilet did [Trump] flush them down?” he wondered.
While the select committee looks into whether Trump used a burner phone, Trump released a statement saying: “I have no idea what a burner phone is, to the best of my knowledge I have never even heard of the term.”
“Which is interesting,” Kimmel noted, “because his former national security adviser John Bolton today revealed that he and Trump have spoken about how people use burner phones.”
“Whenever Trump doesn’t know about something, he claims to know everything about it, like ‘I know more about windmills than everybody,’” Kimmel noted. “When it comes to things he might get in trouble for, all of a sudden he goes, ‘burner phones? Never heard of them. Hookers? What are those?’”
