Stephen Colbert
The House select committee investigating January 6 resumed their public hearings on Thursday, and “painted a chilling and criminally insane portrait of an attempt to steal the election by weaponizing the justice department”, said Stephen Colbert.
Former acting attorney general Jeffrey Rosen told the committee that Trump phoned him on Christmas Eve 2020 to pressure him to call the election fraudulent with no evidence.
“What a lovely way to spend Christmas Eve,” the Late Show host said. “Twas the night before Christmas and all through DC, the Potus was screaming ‘the winner was me!’ / The conspiracies hung like a stench in the air, as thin and as fake as the president’s hair.”
The committee also read from handwritten notes by former acting deputy attorney general Richard Donoghue on what Trump said during phone calls: “Just say that the election is corrupt + leave the rest to me and the R. congressmen.”
Donoghue’s note “is the heart of the crime”, said Colbert. “The president knows there’s no evidence, and he wants the DoJ to just lie and say that there is evidence of corruption, so that his cronies in Congress can overturn the fair election.”
Donoghue also said that as the president grew more agitated, he started making absurd requests such as “why don’t you guys seize machines?”
“Well that’s a very casual way to end democracy,” said Colbert, pretending to direct an order at dinner – “hey guys, why don’t you all seize the machines, I’ll cancel the elections, and just order some secret police for the whole table. You guys want to go halfsies on fascism with me? I hear the brownshirts here are delicious.’”
According to Donoghue’s notes, the former president justified his outlandish conspiracy theories by saying, “you guys may not be following the internet the way I do.”
“… On the toilet with the safe search off?” Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers responded to the FDA’s new ban on Juul e-cigarettes. “In related news, some 15-year-olds just breached the Capitol,” he quipped.
Also on Thursday, the supreme court overturned a New York gun law restricting concealed weapons. “So move over, tourists!” Meyers said. “Seriously, move over, because you’re going to get shot.”
The Biden administration has been in touch with Tesla for advice on electric car policy, despite Biden’s public feud with CEO Elon Musk. “Yeah, Biden’s not afraid to hash it out with someone he disagrees with. He still thinks he can be friends with Mitch McConnell,” Meyers joked.
And Monopoly released a “Hamptons” version of the classic board game. “Said residents: what the hell is income tax?” said Meyers.
