Stephen Colbert
Temperatures in the UK hit a record 40.3C (104.5F) on Tuesday, the country’s hottest day on record. “Luckily, Brits can keep cool with their light and refreshing cuisine of potted organ meat, battered fish and room-temperature beer,” Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday evening.
The heat brought Britain to a halt – trains slowed, the British Museum closed and Buckingham Palace curtailed the changing of the guard. And since people with pale skin and red hair are more sensitive to sunburn, one theater chain offered Britain’s redheads free movie tickets to dodge the extreme heat. “Though of course the best way for British redheads to dodge extreme heat is moving to America,” the Late Show host joked over a picture of Prince Harry.
The US is also experiencing an extreme heatwave, as nearly 20% of the population will likely see a temperature at or above 100F this week. “Remember when you wished everybody who denied climate change would go to hell? Unfortunately, hell came to us,” said Colbert.
In political news, former Trump adviser Steve Bannon, currently on trial for contempt of Congress, says he will now testify before the January 6 committee after the former president wrote a letter releasing Bannon from “executive privilege”, reportedly hoping he’ll defend Trump before the committee. “Finally, Bannon can tell the former president’s side of the story!” Colbert said, mimicking Bannon: “Mr Chairman, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The president didn’t mean to grab the steering wheel from the Secret Service. He just thought it was a big black donut.”
It turns out, however, that Trump’s lawyer already told federal investigators that Trump never actually invoked executive privilege for Bannon. “I mean, wow, he really hung Bannon out to dry,” said Colbert. “Which isn’t easy because Bannon secretes a thick layer of sebum.”
Trevor Noah
The Secret Service lost its January 6 texts while doing a phone migration? What perf...terrible timing. pic.twitter.com/Lbqn11kjrY
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) July 20, 2022
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah looked into the curious case of the Secret Service’s deleted text messages from January 6, which they blamed on a “device replacement program”.
“You know, it’s interesting how they’re saying once you delete a text, there’s no way to retrieve it,” Noah noted. “Once they delete a text, it’s gone. Because best believe, if any of us ‘lost a text’, the Secret Service would find it. They would find the shit out of it.
“Maybe it’s because I’m South African, but I just assumed this would happen,” he added. “It’s the Secret Service – I mean, that’s their job, right? To keep secrets? In fact if they give you the text, you should fire them, snitch.
“The real question we should be asking is: why are they even texting?” he continued. “Imagine this: the Capitol is being overrun by a mob of Facebook comments come to life, people are trying to hang the vice-president, and the Secret Service is texting?”
Noah acknowledged how people could easily view the deleted messages as part of a cover-up of January 6 within the administration – “people say that this was proof the Secret Service was in on the Capitol plot,” he explained. “But it could also be a much simpler answer. Maybe they just don’t want people to see the texts they were sending about their boss.
“Could you imagine being at the congressional hearing and Liz Cheney is like, ‘So Agent Johnson, what did you mean when you texted: President poop emoji is baby crying emoji in car emoji?’”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers noted the White House meeting between the first lady, Jill Biden, and Ukraine’s first lady, Olena Zelenska, this week. “Sorry for everything your country is going through, said Zelenska,” Meyers quipped.
Elon Musk was photographed vacationing on a yacht with friends off the coast of Mykonos, Greece this weekend, “and all I can say is wow, he is so white the sun had to put on sunscreen,” Meyers said over a photo of the richest man in the world in swim trunks. “He looks like the page in the coloring book you haven’t gotten to yet. Is he partying on that yacht? Or is he haunting it?
“I will say, though, he does have the skin tone of someone who is very good with technology.”
And New York’s governor, Kathy Hochul, announced that she would expand shark patrol crews amid an increase in attacks on Long Island. “Meanwhile, Republican governors are encouraging residents to buy sharks for protection,” Meyers joked.
