Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert started by covering Joe Biden’s annual physical which led to “a clean bill of health although his X-ray did reveal several classified documents”.
The host joked that the president “tested positive for old AF” given that he is now the oldest president ever, setting a new record every morning. While Colbert did say that age is “just a number”, it is important.
According to a report this week, Biden’s team has been trying to “play up his vitality”, which includes filling his re-election campaign with a diverse set of supporting Democrats including Bernie Sanders. “Nothing says I’m not old like trotting out a guy who is one year older,” Colbert joked.
It’s partly in response to focus groups using words like “brain dead” and “mush”. “Come on, what are you doing?” Colbert said. “Never say ‘mush’ around an 80-year-old man. He’ll just get hungry and dinner’s not until three.”
This week has also seen problems in Virginia with the governor blocking a bill passed to stop law enforcement from accessing apps that track menstrual cycles as a result of abortion laws.
“The only person who knows when someone is menstruating should be that person and the woman she makes discreet eye contact with before exchanging a tampon then going on to win the lacrosse game,” he joked. “I only know what I see in commercials.”
He added: “Oh yes, there is a lot of menstrual crime in this country.”
It’s also almost a year since Russia invaded Ukraine and Colbert said Moscow was “losing just as hard as ever” with more than half its tanks lost. “I assume that means ‘destroyed’ because it’s got to be hard to lose a tank,” he said.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night With Seth Meyers, the host spoke about news related to Trump’s potential election interference in Georgia with a judge releasing parts of the grand jury’s report which showed evidence of possible crimes and recommended indictments.
But instead, Republicans have been “laser-focused on one thing and that’s Hunter Biden’s laptop”, something Meyers called a “non-stop obsession”.
He played a montage of them talking about it, including Trump calling it “the laptop from hell”.
“Why does Trump call it the laptop from hell?” he asked. “He’s never used a computer in his life. To Trump, any laptop would be the laptop from hell.”
One of the strangest stories of late was related to Trump keeping more classified documents at a personal residence and how one of his lawyers tried to explain it away. He claimed that the former president would put the manila folder over the blue light on his landline so he could sleep at night.
“The guy’s supposed to be a billionaire real estate mogul and he lives like a hungover private detective from the 70s,” Meyers joked.
Meyers also doubted that a small light would keep Trump awake. “This is a man who stared directly at the sun during an eclipse,” he added.
Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live, the host spoke about Biden’s “first ever state of the balloon-ion speech” as the president was forced to talk about the mysterious flying objects that had been shot down.
He also mentioned his annual checkup and joked: “If any other 80-year-old came out of a medical exam talking about aliens, you’d put him in a home.”
Kimmel quipped that “while checking his prostate they did find more classified documents” before moving on to the Georgia story and possible grand jury perjury, saying that while indictments are allegedly imminent, it’s taken two years to get to this place.
“There are guys in jail for stealing a catalytic convertor right now going, ‘I guess I should have tried to steal an election instead,’” he said.
