Stephen Colbert
Late-night hosts were clear-eyed about the prospect of a second Donald Trump presidency on Tuesday evening, as more details about his agenda came into focus. Stephen Colbert, always reluctant to talk about the former president, felt forced to delve into them. “People talk about him a lot, and because people are talking about him, we talk about him – like, say, the 91 charges he’s facing,” he said on the Late Show. “Which is, technically speaking, a lot of charges.
“But as much as all of us talk and think about this numbnut, every so often, it’s really important to, let’s say metaphorically, jam the sharpened stick of knowledge into the soft inner thigh of your mind and just grind it around a little bit to try to reawaken the horror of what our country would be like if this hate-filled dingus and his soulless goons ever got a hold of power again.
“Because, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Donald Trump is a fascist,” he continued. For anyone who thought that was too harsh a characterization, Colbert listed his evidence, such as that the former president had referred to “vermin” that he wanted to “root out” on the campaign trail. “First, that’s dehumanizing his fellow Americans. Second, if he’s really looking for vermin, he should start with his own lawyer, who I believe is an alcoholic mole rat,” said Colbert, referring to a photo of Rudy Giuliani.
Trump has long toyed with the language of fascism, but is now openly cribbing from Hitler and Mussolini. In response to such comparisons, Trump’s team released a statement: “Those who try to make that ridiculous assertion are clearly snowflakes grasping for anything … and their entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House.”
Colbert offered an addendum: “Furthermore, anyone who says I’m a cannibal is a liar, and if they say it again, I will eat their delicious face.”
Colbert also pointed to the Trump adviser Stephen Miller’s immigration plan for mass deportations and giant internment camps for undocumented immigrants, which Miller assured would “look professional”.
“Professional? Phew. It may be a giant step down the road toward totalitarianism, but on the bright side, no Crocs,” Colbert deadpanned.
“OK, I think we have enough data points,” Colbert concluded. “Trump calls his opponents vermin, says he will crush those who disagree with him, holds on to power at all costs, would declare martial law to stop an imaginary evil cabal, plans to put people in camps and says Hitler had some good ideas.
“He’s gone and he’s never coming back, because our joke solved everything,” Colbert joked.
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel noted the release of Mike Pence’s new book Go Home for Dinner: Advice on How Faith Makes a Family and Family Makes a Life.
“The original title was Go Home for Dinner, Because the People Eating at Applebee’s Want to Hang You, but I think he made the right decision,” Kimmel quipped.
In other Trump news, “we’re getting more inside information into what another Maga White House would look like, and God forbid it happens,” said Kimmel. “It is going to be a doozy,” as Trump’s team is reportedly recruiting an army of far-right loyalists to fill out the government ranks and his campaign.
“If you’re a Maga diehard and you’re unemployed, which is likely, all you have to do to apply is fax your résumé or mail it to Trump campaign headquarters,” Kimmel explained. “Or, you can just spray-paint the résumé on the front of a pizza place you think is full of pedophiles, and you’re right in.”
And a new report reveals that Truth Social, “Trump’s imaginary social media company”, has lost $73m since it launched. “Which means it is Donald Trump’s #1 most successful company yet,” Kimmel deadpanned. “Truth Social has lost so much money, they might have to start calling it Twitter.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers checked in on Trump’s civil fraud trial in New York, where his son Don Jr called his father “an artist when it comes to real estate” and said “he sees things that other people don’t.”
“For example, three ghosts every Christmas Eve,” Meyers quipped.
Internal polling from Trump’s campaign theorized that Nikki Haley would benefit the most from fellow Republican Tim Scott dropping out of the race. “Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people,” Meyers deadpanned.
In the same memo, the pollster predicted that Haley and the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, will be in a “dogfight” for second place. “And you can tell DeSantis and Haley are getting ready for a rumble because they both just took off their heels,” said Meyers.
And the House speaker, Mike Johnson, confirmed that he was “all in” for Trump 2024. “Meanwhile, a lot of Democrats are still ‘just the tip’ for Biden,” Meyers joked.
