After several years of trying to salvage her long relationship with Rosa through couple’s counselling and other efforts, Kara eventually made the difficult decision to end it. After the separation, Kara found herself estranged and isolated from Rosa’s extended family, whom she had shared close ties with for more than 30 years.
The enduring pain of being excluded from family gatherings and communications made her wonder if she was being punished for her choice to leave. Caught in a constant struggle, Kara oscillated between attempts to reconnect and repair, or avoidance because the rejections were far too painful.
Kara sought help after the death of the one family member who had stayed in contact with her when the exclusions felt more punishing. It wasn’t just about putting an end to the constant anguish she felt, but she wanted to unravel why the family was still angry and whether she was somehow feeding into what she called “this hostile, remote, but intense dynamic”.
Psychological models
To help Kara make sense of the intricate family patterns and think about options for responding – or not – we explored three psychological models to provide insight.
During our discussions, the first model we discussed was family systems theory, which likens family dynamics to a scripted drama where members play certain roles to maintain the system, no matter what the cost. In this intricate play, enmeshed family patterns can emerge when relationships lack boundaries and individual identities become fused with everyone else’s.
Consequently, individuals find themselves trapped in a perpetual cycle of seeking approval and validation from close others, often at the expense of their own independence.
Kara’s experience of her former partner’s family system was a testament to the power of these family dynamics. The fact that there were strong emotions surrounding Kara’s decision to leave Rosa was completely understandable. But what confused Kara was this apparent double standard within the family. Other family members had also experienced relationship breakdowns but weren’t subjected to the same exclusion.
Kara struggled to make sense of this double standard until we identified she had been a pivotal “actor” in the family system.
Talking through her long-term relationships, Kara identified that as a young woman she had taken up the role of “fix it” person. For over three decades, Kara had been the pillar of support, providing financial, practical and emotional help to many family members. Whenever someone experienced any difficulties, Kara was the one who would step in as the problem solver.
By “causing” the (separation) problem, and therefore choosing not to fix it, Kara effectively rejected her family role and the family closed ranks to exclude her. Kara could no longer act in the family drama.
The attachment theory
Understanding Kara’s attachment experiences and early learning in her family of origin was important. Her very early memories of her father instructing her: “Don’t upset your [depressed and withdrawn] mother,” set up a behaviour pattern of “we talk and act as if everything is OK”.
This seemingly innocent instruction laid the foundation for a behavioural pattern of sweeping emotions under the rug and maintaining the illusion of everything being OK. In her original family, Kara learned to ignore her own needs and to lean into caretaking and soothing others, which over time became automatic.
Similar to the dynamic with her mother, Kara found herself navigating a turbulent relationship with Rosa. She experienced Rosa as frequently demanding, quick to take offence but very hard to soothe. “I always had the sense I was doing something wrong, nothing was quite enough.”
By managing the volatile Rosa, she became an expert in tiptoeing around her, a skill that had been ingrained in everyone but had now become Kara’s role to play in the family drama. As Kara skilfully tried to navigate the minefield of Rosa’s emotions, she realised her competent caretaking had unintentionally perpetuated the dynamic.
How to unhook and create a new reality
Kara’s new realisation – “no matter what I do I cannot make this right for the family” – became a turning point for her. She saw with more clarity the same pattern that existed in her original family, mirroring her experiences with Rosa.
While physical change is usually the easiest (leaving Rosa), intellectual and emotional change usually take much longer. Kara is now starting to experience the emotional integration of letting go of her role, owning her actions and considering options for change.
Are there options for her to connect with the family in a different way within the current system? Kara is choosing to remain curious and open to contact, holding some hope that time may create opportunities for different roles. She also continues to try to grow more acceptance of the death of her role in the family and that unless the family are able to talk about the situation in a different way with Kara, she will probably remain excluded from Rosa’s family.
Kara’s journey isn’t without its ups and downs. There continue to be moments of grief as she mourns the loss of the family relationships and faces the uncertainties of possibly creating a new dynamic. However, she had learned to embrace the wisdom of Marcel Proust’s words: “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
*Names and details have been changed
• Gaynor Parkin is a clinical psychologist and founder of Umbrella Wellbeing. Erika Clarry is the wellbeing assessment and research coordinator at Umbrella
