Rory Stewart: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 47th president of the United States of America, Kamala Harris.
Kamala Harris: Er … Actually, I lost.
Stewart: You can’t have done. I’m never wrong. I’m the political messiah.
Alastair Campbell: I’m sorry to break it to you, but Donald Trump won. I can’t believe American voters didn’t pay attention to our predictions.
Stewart: I’m a broken man. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve never been wrong before about anything …
Campbell: Can you just keep quiet about it. You’re bad for business. Just pretend you always thought Trump was going to win.
Stewart: The hubris. I’m so ashamed. I’ve lost my sense of self.
Keir Starmer: Is that his serene highness, the president-elect, Donald Trump?
Donald Trump: That’s me.
Starmer: Can I just say that it is the honour of my life to be allowed to speak to you on the telephone at such a historic time for both our countries.
Trump: I wish I could say the same.
Starmer: May I begin by offering you my heartiest congratulations on your stunning victory. It’s so wonderful to see that being a sexual abuser and convicted criminal is no barrier to the highest office in the land.
Trump: That’s very nice of you to say so. A lot of people have said I’m going to be the best president ever. The very best. The best of the best. That’s not me that’s saying that. It’s the voices in my head.
Starmer: You are going to be brilliant. I’m sure of that. Do you remember that night we spent together a month or so ago? I have such fond memories of that …
Trump: Remind me.
Starmer: It was at your typically understated apartment in Trump Tower, and we shared a meal of a Deliveroo Big Mac.
Trump: Of course I remember. I remember everything. People say that I have the best memory of anyone they’ve ever met. It’s almost as if I’ve got perfect recall.
Starmer: While I’ve got you on the line, there’s someone next to me who would like to have a word …
Stewart: I’m so, so sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am …
Starmer: Not you …
David Lammy: I just wanted to say that when I called you a “woman-hating neo-Nazi sympathiser” a few years back, I was really trying to find an adequate way of expressing my admiration for you. I mean, Hitler has always had a bad rep since the second world war so people tend to forget the good stuff he did …
JD Vance: I couldn’t agree more. Some of his watercolours are rather charming.
Starmer: So that’s all from me for now. I can’t wait to start working with you formally in the new year. But if you did fancy coming over before then to do some Christmas shopping, then Victoria and I would love to have you to stay at Chequers. Mi casa, su casa. Much love.
Trump: Who was that?
Melania: The prime minister of the UK.
Trump: He’s even needier than me. The UK is somewhere in Europe, right?
Melania: Still as sharp as ever. Oh, by the way. There’s a man at the door. Says he knows you.
Trump: Who is it?
Melania: No idea.
Trump: Better let him in.
Nigel Farage: Hello, Mr President. Very good to see you.
Trump: You look vaguely familiar.
Farage: It’s Nigel. The man you engagingly call “No-mark Nige”.
Trump: It’s coming back to me.
Farage: Can I just point out that I was the only person in the entire world to predict you would win the election?
Trump: You said that last time when I lost. Leave the bullshit to me. Now what do you want?
Farage: Can I persuade you to come on my GB News show?
Trump: Why would I want to do that?
Farage: Point taken. Then how about you join me in Clacton when you’re next in the UK?
Trump: Where’s Clacton?
Farage: I’ve no idea. But why don’t I introduce you to some of the team. First of all, Dicky Tice.
Richard Tice: I am not worthy to be in the same room as you. May I ask you where you get your fantastic orange colour from. I spend hours on the sunbed every day and I only go a dull copper.
Farage: And Lee Anderson.
Trump: Who’s he?
Lee Anderson: Fuck you. Everyone knows who I am. Now fuck off, because I’ve got a train to catch.
Farage: Be nice, Lee. You’re not speaking to a security guard now.
Stewart: Please accept my apologies. I am a broken man.
Trump: It’s that guy again.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy: Greetings from Ukraine. You will still back us, won’t you?
Trump: I’m going to bring peace to your country. So much peace that you won’t know what to do with it. No one will ever have seen so much peace. And I tell you something, you will be seeing this peace in 24 hours.
Zelenskyy: What are you talking about? Are you about to sell us out to Russia?
Trump: I’ve got to go now. I’m on the golf course. It’s my turn to putt. Things are kinda boring here. I was rather hoping to claim the election had been stolen from me.
Olaf Scholz: Greetings from Germany.
Trump: I was wondering when you might ring to blow smoke up my ass.
Scholz: Think again, old man. I’m about to lose my job so I can say what I want. You’re a menace to the world.
Trump: Suck up the trade tariffs, loser. And fund Nato yourself. Gotta go. Putin on the other line.
Stewart: I can’t go on. I need help.
• A year in Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar
On Tuesday 3 December, join Crace, Hyde and Crerar as they look back at a political year like no other, live at the Barbican in London and livestreamed globally.
Book tickets here or at guardian.live
• Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
